“You realise one of us is going to have to get another bottle of booze before something drastic happens,” Paul declared, looking from his empty glass to Greg. “Like we start to sober and realise that someone is potentially trying to end our lives.”

“Oh hey,” Gina soothed. “Look on the bright side. If you sober you can enjoy the humiliation of Fen to the full.”

As if on cue Fenny started giggling inanely at something until she snorted. This in turn caused Brad to laugh at her, but being inebriated she thought he was laughing with her and just laughed harder.

“Oh, for a handy cam,” Greg sighed, resigning himself to the realisation that he would have to go to the bar. He pushed his chair back and got unsteadily to his feet. “What does everyone want?”

“More soda!” Fenny declared through a slew of giggles.

Paul looked at Fenny strangely and then back and Greg. “Might as well just get a jug of beer.”

“No more fraternising with the Mexicans?” Greg mused before looking to Gina. “Do you want another glass of Coward’s finest?”

“No, I think I’ve had more than enough,” Gina breathed. “I’ll just have water.”

“I’ll be right back then darlings,” Greg beamed before nearly losing his right testicle on the corner of one of the tables. “Bloody Mexicans,” he cussed and tottered off to the bar.

“I feel I should go help him otherwise someone is going to end up getting a beer shower,” Gina sighed reluctantly standing.

“I had a beer shower once,” Paul grinned nostalgically. “Unfortunately it was on stage…”

“That’s nice hon, really,” Gina teased, patting him on the head. “I’m proud of you, I am.”

“Oh, go help Greg,” Paul groused, motioning toward the bar. “And I hope you do your other ankle on the way.” Gina jokingly gave him the finger as she hobbled off to help Greg. Paul leaned back in his chair and looked over at Brad and Fenny who were necking. He rolled his eyes and decided to try and fish the worm out of the tequila bottle.

“And so I said to the guy, I said…”

“Greg,” Gina scolded as she found Greg leaning heavily on the bar, talking loudly about god only knows what.

“I said that…what?” Greg huffed, looking at Gina like she’d just interrupted something incredibly important like brain surgery.

“Are you going to get the drinks or just gossip like a woman for the rest of the evening?”

“I was telling…” he paused at looked at the barman for help.

“Trevor,” the barman sighed as he wiped the bar with a rag.

“Right, I was telling Trevor a rather humorous anecdote and you’ve just ruined it.”

Gina raised her eyebrows and looked past Greg to Trevor who shook his head and mouthed ‘No’ and ‘please take him away’ before serving another patron. “Yeah, I can see he was enthralled.”

“Australians are fickle,” Greg pouted as Trevor returned.

“What would you like?” he asked, looking at Gina as she seemed to be the sane one of the duo.

“A jug of beer, another spiked soda, and a glass of water, please,” Gina smiled as Greg continued to sulk.

“Sure thing darl,” Trevor perked and set to work organising the drink. “So what brings you out this way?”

“We’re trying to lose the Americans,” Gina said deadpan. “Couldn’t recommend a good hiding spot for corpses could you?”

“Actually there’s a vacant bit of scrub…” Trevor began as Greg unceremoniously got off his stool, evened up the pain in his testicles and then staggered back to where Paul had just got the worm out of the bottle.

“Your wife is flirting with the barman,” he declared, rubbed his crotch and then sat down.

“I’m not surprised after what she’s drank,” Paul shrugged and flicked the worm onto Fenny’s cheek. She let out a shriek, her chair toppled back and she ended up on the floor still trying to swat the worm from her cheek.

Paul couldn’t stop laughing as an equally inebriated Brad tried to help Fenny up from the floor but she was still wailing about the creepy crawly on her cheek. He looked up to see Gina paying for the drinks and decided he better help her as no one else was capable of doing so. He stepped over Fenny and hurried toward the bar still breathless from laughter.

By the time the jug of beer was three quartes gone, Greg and Paul had fallen into some piss pot philosophy about the meaning of life, God and cotton weave fabric. Fenny had recovered from the worm incident and after downing her latest soda had seemed to be laughing non stop while Brad had taken to just rambling about how much he’d missed her and was a useless human being without her. Gina, who was feeling particularly sober, had tried to encourage a bit of a snog from Paul, but no matter how much she groped his thigh or nibbled his earlobe he just kept talking to Greg.

“Oh for god’s sake shut up,” she demanded, looking despondently at Paul and Greg.

“Something wrong babe?” Paul asked blankly, taking a mouthful of beer.

“You’re rambling incessantly,” Gsheina replied and continued before he could get a word in. “Which wouldn’t be so bad but you’ve gone from three separate topics to – the meaning of life has something to do with God wearing a cotton weave ball gown!”

“Well it’s more practical,” Greg shrugged.

“Won’t make his eczema flare up,” Paul added.

Gina looked at them both pained before turning her attention to someone who appeared to be the hotelier. He turned on a few cheap lights and uncovered something that had been obscured by a sheet. A few seconds later the squeal of a microphone filled the room and everyone cringed.

“Sorry about that,” the hotelier perked, holding the mic too close to his mouth. “Thank you all for turning out tonight, the weekly karaoke competition is by far the highlight of our small community….”

“Karaoke,” Gina cringed. “Oh dear.”

“…So without further ado I’ll start the evening with a song close to my heart.”

“Only we could find the one place in the outback with a karaoke machine,” Greg mused and winced as the hotelier started warbling.

“I’m more concerned that ‘Pub with No Beer’ is close to his heart,” Paul pouted as his face contorted like someone was scratching their nails down a blackboard.

“What’s happening, what did I miss?” Fenny asked, smiling inanely.

“Karaoke,” Gina replied. “There’s a karaoke competition.”

“Great!” Fenny beamed and got unsteadily to her feet. “I love karaoke.”

“Since when?” Brad said with a short laugh, trying to stop her from leaving, but Fenny managed to wriggle away.

“Shouldn’t one of us go after her?” Gina announced, looking at the three men.

“But she really wants to have a go, Genie,” Paul sniggered. “We shouldn’t stand in her way, she’s a grown woman.”

“Well don’t think I’m going to help you when she attacks you in the morning,” Gina frowned as she got to her feet and hurried off to find Fenny.

“Do we know who’s going next?” the hotelier announced to one of his staff.

“Me, I am,” Fenny beamed, waltzing over.

“Wait,” Gina declared, grabbing Fenny’s arm. “Don’t let her near the microphone.”

“Gina!” Fenny pouted rather stupidly. “Where’s your sense of adventure.”

“Locked in a cellar with a gun to its head,” Gina groused. “If you get up there and sing you’ll regret it, you will.”

“Oh come on, we did great in Betty’s kitchen.”

“Yes, kitchen, Fenella — KITCHEN!”

Fenny frowned a moment and then grinned. “No, you’re absolutely right.”

“I knew you’d see sense,” Gina breathed, relieved.

“You can sing with me, it’ll sound much better,” Fenny enthused and dragged Gina on stage.

“You are a dead woman,” Gina hissed through her teeth.

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Fenny shrugged as they were both given microphones.

“Christ, what are we gonna sing?” Gina winced as Fenny eagerly went through the list of songs.

“Oh, oh, this one,” Fenny perked, settling on “Then He Kissed Me.”

“Fen no, I hate this song,” Gina huffed but it was too late and Fenny began to sing in her own unique way.

“Well, he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance.

He looked kinda nice and so I said I might take a chance.

When he danced he held me tight

And when he walked me home that night

All the stars were shining bright

And then he kissed me.”

“Oh the shame,” Brad cringed into his beer. “Thank god they’re both in it together.”

“Actually if there’s one thing I have achieved in all my years of marriage,” Paul mused. “Is teaching my wife how to sing.”

“You what?” Greg cackled.

“Well, y’know what women are like. They sing around the house and stuff and if I’m going to be forced to endure it, I want it in tune.”

“Pure, unadulterated genius,” Brad smiled as it was Gina’s turn to sing.

“Each time I saw him I couldn’t wait to see him again.

I wanted to let him know that he was more than a friend.

I didn’t know just what to do

So I whispered I love you

And he said that he loved me too

And then he kissed me.”

“That was to me that was,” Paul beamed. “That’s my wife up there.”

“Oh shut up,” Brad sneered as Greg hushed them both.

“They’re singing together,” he declared. “You should pay attention.”

“He kissed me in a way that I’ve never been kissed before,

He kissed me in a way that I wanna be kissed forever more.”

“You know, they’re not half bad really,” Brad sighed, leaning against his fist.

“I’m sorry, are we listening to the same performance?” Greg laughed and Brad shot him daggers. “No, you’re right. They’re great so long as Gina drowns out Fen.”

“Now, now we shouldn’t judge,” Paul said with as much seriousness as he could muster. “Sure, Fen is atrocious but at least she’s giving it a red hot go.”

“You don’t honestly mean that?” Brad gasped as Fenny began to dance in a rather uncoordinated fashion.

“Not a word,” Paul cackled.

“I knew that he was mine so I gave him all the love that I had

And one day he took me home to meet his mom and his dad.

Then he asked me to be his bride

And always be right by his side.

I felt so happy I almost cried

And then he kissed me.”

“Please tell me this song ends soon,” Brad swallowed and filled his empty glass.

“I think if it doesn’t Gina may kill Fen,” Greg shrugged. “In which case, yeah, it’ll end soon.”

“Shh,” Paul hissed doing an absurd hand gesture to hush them all.

“Then he asked me to be his bride

And always be right by his side.

I felt so happy I almost cried

And then he kissed me.

And then he kissed me.

And then he kissed me”

Gina finished the last note of the song as her cheeks burned red with embarrassment. She grabbed Fenny and shoved her off stage as Paul, Greg and Brad cheered, clapped and banged on the table shamefully loud.

“That was the most embarrassing moment of my life,” Gina groused as she stormed back toward the table, Fenny tottering about giddily behind her. “I’m so hurting you when you’re in a fit state to feel it.”

“Woohoo, rock and roll!” Paul cheered and Gina sneered at him.

“Closer to absolute humiliation.”

“Was I good?” Fenny asked, a bewildered expression on her face.

“No sweetie,” Brad smiled and Fenny giggled and cooed at him.

“Some husband you are,” Gina spat, glaring at Paul. “You should be the one up there.”

“Why do I always have to sing?” Paul pouted. “I know I’m a musical god and all…” Gina’s expression grew darker. “You were fabulous on your own, you didn’t need me,” he added and squeezed her knee affectionately.

“Won’t you sing?” Gina sulked and pouted. “Just once, for me?”

“Genie,” Paul whined.

“You wouldn’t deny your wife some of your musical godliness now would you?” Greg jeered and Paul narrowed his eyes at him.

“Babe, I’ll sing if you sing with me,” he declared, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh don’t make me…Paul you know I…fine,” Gina sighed. “I’ll ritually humiliate myself again for your pleasure.

“Well can you make it quick because that girl on now is making my ears bleed,” Brad groaned as Fenny slumped lazily against him.

“Isn’t that the entire basis of our relationship?” Paul mused as they got to their feet and headed toward the stage.

“What do ya think they’ll sing?” Fenny mused.

“A duet I imagine,” Brad smiled and kissed the top of her head,

“Oh Paul, no,” Greg groaned and buried his face in his hands as the music started.

“What are we going to sing then?” Gina sighed after she’d endured several minutes of taunting from the hotelier because of her previous experience.

“Any preferences?” Paul asked, looking over what was on offer.

“Something that’s very quick and not going to shame me forever,” Gina countered.

“Got it!” Paul sniggered and motioned to the monitor just to the side of them. Gina read the first few lyrics and laughed. “You start.”

“Thanks honey,” Gina sneered. “They say we’re young and we don’t know. We won’t find out until we grow.”

“My pleasure,” Paul smiled. “Well I don’t know if all that’s true.

Cause you got me and baby I got you”

“Babe, I got You Babe, Babe I got you babe”

“They’re so cute,” Fenny cooed. “Just like Sonny and Cher…apart from Paul doesn’t have a bad moustache and Gina isn’t half Indian.”

“And Paul can’t ski,” Greg chided and Fenny laughed.

“They say our love won’t pay the rent, before it’s earned our money’s all we’ve spent,” Paul sang trying not to giggle.

“I guess that’s so, we don’t have a pot, but at least I’m sure of all the thing we got…” Gina crooned, realising as she read the words, how stupid they actually were.

“Babe I got You Babe, Babe I got you babe”

“Is it of concern to anyone that they’re both actually wearing flares?” Brad piped up.

“They’re in costume sorta,” Fenny shrugged. “Paul still doesn’t have the moustache though.”

“And Gina still isn’t part Indian,” Greg agreed.

“Either you guys are getting drunker or I’m getting more sober,” Brad declared looking at both Fenny and Greg strangely.

“I got flowers in the spring,” Gina sang. “Until they gave me hayfever.”

“I got you to wear my ring,” Paul continued. “Until some psycho stole it from you.”

“And when I’m sad, you’re a clown,” Gina crooned, realising she was being completely daggy and singing to him. “And if I get scared you’re always around.”

“So let them say your hair’s too long,” Paul sang and realised he couldn’t give a damn about the rest of the room. “I don’t care, with you I can’t go wrong.” He smiled and held out his hand, realising that with Gina’s history she was probably close to losing control of her actions.. “Then put your little hand in mine. There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb.”

“Babe I got You Babe I got you babe”

“Can I have another drink?” Fenny asked sleepily.

“NO!” Brad and Greg said together.

“Fine, when I die of starvation…”

“Don’t you mean dehydration?” Greg pointed out amused.

Fenny thought for a moment. “I can’t remember what I said.”

“I got you to hold my hand,” Paul announced his voice going up an octave or two.

“I got you to understand,” Gina added wishing she had her husband’s vocal range.

“I got you to walk with me”

“I got you to talk with me”

“I got you to kiss good night”

“I got you to hold me tight”

“I got you I won’t let go”

“I got you to love me so”

“I got you babe”

By the time they’d sung the last word of the song, Gina and Paul were oblivious to the rest of the patrons and half a pheromone away from giving the audience more than just a nice tune. The sound of cheering brought them back to reality and they quickly left the stage, slightly embarrassed by the very public display of affection.

“No more karaoke, ever,” Gina declared, sitting heavily in her seat.

“You guys were great,” Fenny beamed. “You were just like Sonny and Cher except…”

“Paul doesn’t have a moustache,” Greg sighed.

“And you’re not half Indian,” Brad added.

Gina and Paul looked at them both like they were insane. “We should probably be heading to bed now,” Paul piped up.

“No you can’t!” Fenny gasped nearly toppling off her chair again.

“Why?” everyone else said together.

“We haven’t had a group singalong yet,” Fenny beamed, looking excitedly around the table.

“Oh no more, please,” Gina groaned.

“Come on, group effort, then we can all go to bed,” Fenny beamed and leapt up from her chair.

“She’s so getting dumped in the outback somewhere tomorrow,” Gina huffed as they all walked unenthusiastically toward the waiting karaoke machine.

“I’ve picked the song,” Fenny gushed as she handed out the microphones. Gina and Paul had to share, while Greg had his own and Fenny shared with Brad.

“Group ritual humiliation,” Greg groused. “Story of my life really.”

“Pay attention, Proops the music is starting,” Brad cussed and they sang as a group.

“We are family

I got all my sisters with me

We are family

Get up, everybody, and sing”

“Everyone can see we’re together as we walk on by,” Fenny began.

“And we fly just like birds of a feather. I won’t tell no lie,” Paul continued.

“All of the people around us they say, ‘can they be that close?’” Brad added.

“Just let me state for the record we’re givin’ love in a family dose,” Gina giggled.

“We are family

I got all my sisters with me

We are family

Get up, everybody, and sing”

“Livin’ life is fun and we’re just begun to get our share of this world’s delights,” Greg piped up.

“High hopes we have for the future and our goal’s in sight,” Fenny sang as she started to bop.

“No we don’t get depressed here’s what we call our golden rule,” Gina crooned and then sniggered into Paul’s shoulder.

“Have faith in you and the things you do. You won’t go wrong, oh no

This is our family jewel,” Paul belted out.

“Sing it to me!” Greg yelled before they all roared together.

“We are family

I got all my sisters with me

We are family

Get up, everybody, and sing,” They repeated the chorus until they all ran out of breath and then received a rousing applause from the town locals.

hr

“I’m exhausted,” Gina yawned as they headed for bed a short time after.

“What happened to Fen?” Greg asked, looking around but noticing she wasn’t there.

“Dunno,” Brad shrugged. “She left the stage pretty quickly after we finished singing.”

“Was it actually singing?” Paul chided. “Because I’m sure it was more wailing.”

“There’s just not enough karaoke involved in crime,” Greg mused. “I hope next time we get kidnapped by viscous psychopaths there’s a karaoke machine nearby.”

“What next time,” Gina, Brad and Paul said together.

“Oh door’s unlocked,” Brad declared as he reached his room. “Fen must already be in.”

“Night Sherwood,” Greg yawned, retiring to his room.

“Night Proop Cat,” Brad smiled and looked over at Gina and Paul who were locked in a ferverent kiss against their room door. “Get a room,” he chided before opening his own door. It was dark, but despite the lack of light he could still see Fenny’s form curled on the bed. He removed his shoes quietly and then crept over. “You ok, sweetie?” Brad said softly as he crawled onto the bed beside her.

“I’m not very well,” Fenny mumbled, sounding far more sober than she had previously. “I’m thinking, despite my stomach churning, that I’m going to be angry with you in the morning.”

“Maybe you ate something…” Brad began as one of Fenny’s eyes opened in the dim light. “They were all in on it.”

“Whatever,” Fenny groaned. “Just warning you that when I feel human again, I’m going to remove parts of your anatomy that otherwise would be used for reproduction.”

“Oh,” Brad breathed. “Guess I’m back to big idiot status again huh?” he added, laying down beside her.

“Not quite,” Fenny said softly, taking one if his hands and holding it between her own. Brad felt himself relax a little, dropped a kiss on her forehead and wrapped her in his arms. “Tell me everything is gonna work out ok.”

“Everything is going to work out just fine,” Brad soothed, stroking her arm and then opened one eye. “I hope.”

“Wait, wait, I’m stuck,” Paul wailed from somewhere inside his ‘save the platypus’ top. Gina, who was under the covers in only her panties, forced herself back out and helped Paul wriggle out of his top. “Oh hello,” he mused, his eyes fixed on her naked breasts.

“Such a bloke…” Gina sighed and crawled back under the covers. “Well, are you coming to bed or what?” she added after Paul stood staring blankly for a moment.

“Huh? Yeah…” he said distractedly and pulled off the rest of his clothes, before sliding in beside Gina in only his boxers.

“I can turn off the light now?” she asked and he nodded. As the room filled with darkness they both snuggled down and tried to sleep. After about half a second of trying Gina felt Paul’s arms move around her.

“Genie…”

“Yes Pauly,” she smiled as she felt his lips on her shoulder.

“You wouldn’t, well y’know, be in the mood at all would you?”

Gina looked over her shoulder. “In the mood? What are you, 60?”

“What? I was being polite,” Paul huffed as Gina rolled over to face him.

“You’ve never once asked me if I was in the mood before,” she sighed. “It’s always been a rather crude ‘let’s fuck’.”

“You’re right,” he gasped going wide eyed. “I’m getting old and turning into my father.”

“And neither of us needs an image of your parents having sex,” she countered.

“No, you shouldn’t have went there,” he wailed. “I’ll never remove the mental scarring.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she mused. “I can think of something that might help.”

“Therapy?”

“Idiot,” she smiled and straddled him beneath the covers. “Let’s fuck.”

“You’re so sexy when you talk like that,” he growled before they fell into a heated embrace.

Greg lay awake staring at the ceiling fan and trying to comprehend what on earth was happening and why his life was so out of control. It was at this point he realised he had drunk far too much. He took a breath and closed his eyes as he took to pondering what Danny might be doing. Had Amy managed to seduce him yet? Actually, he wondered if Beven and Ritza had screwed each other senseless, or even if they were still alive.

“Man, why does everything always go back to sex,” he announced to the light fitting and was greeted by a unanimous cry of ‘Oh God I love you’ from the direction of Paul and Gina’s room. Followed shortly by a yelp of ‘Oh no,’ and fast footsteps from Brad and Fenny’s room.

Greg laughed to himself and then began to hum. “We are family…”