32 – Cats, Dogs and Show Ponies

“What’s that noise?” Gina asked suddenly, and Fenny muted the television. There were strange sounds coming from the other end of the apartment.

“Shit, Jag and Mochrie,” Fenny hissed, jumping up and running into the study.

“What’s Colin doing to your cat?” Gina asked confusedly as she followed.

“No, it’s some stray Brad picked up last night,” Fenny grumbled as she entered the room. Jaguar was up on the top shelf of a bookcase, baring his claws, back arched, hackles raised, hissing at the dog, who had her front paws on the second shelf, tail wagging happily and yipping at the cat. “I can’t believe we forgot about you,” Fenny sighed, grabbing Mochrie by the scruff of the neck. “You leave Jag alone, you hear me? He could take your eyes out if you mess with him, so stop it.”

“Why are you talking to the dog?” Gina asked, bemused.

“Why not?” Fenny countered. “I talk to everything. Not that anything listens to me.” She looked down at the dog who was still enthralled by the cat, and sighed. “Brad was supposed to walk her earlier. I guess that’s up to us now.”

“But it’s raining,” Gina declared.

“What, do all people from Oz melt when you get a little wet? I mean I know you’re wicked, but a witch?”

“Has anyone ever consulted you about the possibility of being committed?” Gina teased.

“Yes, actually,” Fenny mused. “C’mon, we gotta find some sort of leash and dig the umbrellas out of the closet before Mochrie here a) kills the cat, b) gets killed by the cat, or c) wets the carpet.”

“Good idea,” Gina nodded.


“Welcome to the studio,” Brad said, holding out his hands in a grand gesture as they wandered onto the stage.

“Nice,” Paul nodded. “Where’s Wayne?”

Brad shrugged. “No telling. Punctuality isn’t high up on his list of admirable character traits.”

“So, practicing, huh?” Paul mused, wandering around to sit at Drew’s desk.

“He hasn’t been on with anyone else for a while, he’s had the spotlight all to himself, which is the way he likes it. But, now it’s time to get used to playing nicely with others…It’s actually been a while since I’ve sung, too.”

“Wanna warm up the old pipes?” Paul asked, abandoning the swivel chair to join Brad.

“Sure,” he smiled. “Like what?”

“How do you feel about Elton John?” Paul asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Sure,” Brad shrugged.

Paul smiled and began to sing.

 

It’s a little bit funny this feeling inside

I’m not one of those who can easily hide

Brad nodded to himself, taking in Paul’s key and the stylistic changes, and joined in.

Don’t have much money but, boy if I did

I’d buy a big house where we both could live

 

If I was a sculptor but then again no

Brad mimed chiseling away at a sculpture, then pushing it over.

Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show

Paul mimed pouring liquids, sniffing carefully, then drinking and staggering bleary and smiling across the stage in a way that made Brad giggle at him.

I know it’s not much but it’s the best I can do

My gift is my song and this one’s for you

 

Paul put his arm around Brad’s shoulder before going into the chorus, and Brad playfully grabbed his hand and they swayed in time to imaginary music, gazing into each others eyes, Brad struggling to keep a straight face.

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple but now that it’s done

I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

 

“Aw, guys, I didn’t know you cared,” Wayne cooed as he wandered onstage wiping invisible tears from his eyes.

“You’re late,” Brad grumbled.

“Sorry, there was a wreck on the 101, traffic was killer. Who’s your friend?” Wayne asked.

“You remember Paul McDermott,” Brad said, “from Australia? Greg’s friend? Beat your ass in karaoke?”

“Beat yours too, Sherwood,” Paul chuckled, earning himself a playful punch in the arm.

“Oh yeah,” Wayne said slowly as the recognition hit, then extended out his hand for a shake. “You here to help with rehearsals?”

“Yeah, thought I’d see how you yanks sing,” Paul grinned, “give you a pointer or two.”

Wayne laughed, then paused to consider if he should have been offended.


The rain had turned to a faint drizzle, certainly not enough to bother with an umbrella, but still people sped down the streets with windshield wipers slashing furiously, and umbrellas poking Gina and Fenny in the head as people whisked by.

“So tell me, why is the dog named Mochrie?” Gina asked as the dog pulled against the leash, borrowed from the neighbors across the hall.

“Brad’s strange,” Fenny shrugged.

“You keeping her?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“Not a dog person then?”

“Not really. Brad said he’d put an ad in the paper, ‘Found Dog’ and all that.”

Gina nodded and glanced at her watch.

“You’re not still upset with Brad, are you?” Fenny asked.

“A little,” Gina shrugged. “I woke up pissed, but I figure he’s a man, he says things he doesn’t mean, and we all know it. Not worth it to stay mad at him forever.”

“I’m glad we can all, you know, be friends again. It’s looking like things are back to normal.”

“For now,” Gina smiled. “Assuming normal is my Ozzy Osbourne dreams and you talking about testicles.”

“For our little group of freaks, I consider that phenomenally normal. So, are you gonna tell me about your Ozzy dreams?” Fenny giggled.

“Ask yourself if you really want to know,” Gina countered.

“Good point,” Fenny nodded, and wiped the water drops off her glasses. “What about the Brad ones?”

Gina smirked at her. “Let’s just say if he’s half as good as he is in my dreams, you’re a lucky girl. Oh, and he wants to do it in his dressing room,” she laughed. “Shall Pauly and I catch a taxi home without you two after the show?”

“Shut up,” Fenny giggled.

“Hey, speaking of the taping, who’s gonna be there tonight, do you know?”

“Well, I dunno, Brad never mentioned it. I’m guessing Wayne’ll be there, since he wants to rehearse, and probably Colin and Ryan.”

“No Greg then,” Gina mumbled.

“Is that disappointment I hear?” Fenny asked, a teasing edge to her voice.

“I need to talk to him,” Gina declared, “last time I saw him I just kind of…left. I need to explain that we’re friends, nothing more, I’ve got Paul now.”

“Best of luck to you,” Fenny smiled cautiously and reached for her key ring as they approached the apartment building. “I give it fifteen minutes before he’s got your legs in the air.”

“Fen,” Gina gasped. “Thanks so much for your vote of confidence.”

“Just messing with you, kiddo.”

“I know, and I deserve it,” Gina sighed. “Let’s get your mutt dried off.”


“So, should we have a go at a song then, finish warming up?” Paul asked.

“Sure,” Wayne shrugged. “What song you got in mind?”

Paul glanced around the empty studio, looking for inspiration, and raised his eyebrows as his gaze settled on the piano. He smiled at Brad and began to sing.

 

Looking out on the morning rain, I used to feel uninspired

And when I knew I’d have to face another day

Brad let out a short chuckle as he and Wayne both recognized the song, and then set out harmonizing with Paul.

Lord, it made me feel so tired

Before the day I met you, life was so unkind

Your love was the key to my peace of mind

‘Cause you make me feel, Wayne shrieked, falling to his knees between the other two like a member of a boy band. Brad and Paul looked at each other, a bit disturbed, and continued.

You make me feel

You make me feel like a natural woman

Wayne couldn’t help but chuckle as they finished the first verse, but sobered as Brad and Paul turned on him.

 

When my soul was in the lost and found, Paul sang, body writhing like a rock star in the throes of musical passion, you came along to claim it

I didn’t know just what was wrong with me, Brad crooned, swanning to an imagined audience, ’til your kiss helped me name it

Wayne opened his mouth to take his solo, but got as far as “Now I—” before Brad and Paul overtook him.

Now I’m no longer doubtful of what I’m living for

‘Cause if I make you happy I don’t need to do more

“Give someone else a chance, you show pony,” Paul grumbled to Wayne, who stepped back, startled, and listened as they continued.

You make me feel

You make me feel

You make me feel like a natural woman

 

Oh baby what you done to me, Paul all but screamed, his voice dripping with emotion.

What you done to me, Brad echoed heart-wrenchingly.

You make me feel so good inside

Good inside

And I just want to be

Wanna be

Close to you, you make me feel so alive

You make me feel

You make me feel

You make me feel like a natural woman

 

Paul and Brad collapsed into a fit of laughter once they’d finished the song, accompanied by considerably weaker harmonies from Wayne, who didn’t look nearly as amused. “I’m gonna go see if Laura’s around to help,” he grumbled and wandered off.

“I think I hurt his feelings,” Paul shrugged once Wayne was out of sight.

“Oh, it’ll do him some good to have his pedestal shook,” Brad smiled.


Fenny and Gina sat on the couch channel surfing between bouts of screaming at Mochrie, who seemed to have been born with the assumption that every other being on the planet was meant to be her playmate, to leave the cat alone until Fenny broke down and shut Jaguar up in the study.

Mochrie was sitting on the couch with her head on Gina’s lap. “She’s gonna end up with the guy with the hair,” Gina announced, not daring to take her eyes away from the television screen.

“Really? I thought she was after the old guy with the cane,” Fenny said.

“No, she was after him for his money. Isn’t he the rich one?”

“I thought the rich guy was the dude with the daughter, y’know, they were on that beach…”

“Oh, was that his daughter? Hmm, I guess she was. What’s with Mr. Hit People With My Cane then?”

“Blackmail?” Fenny suggested.

Gina frowned at the screen, then turned to Fenny. “I think it may be time to change the channel, the Mexican soap operas are starting to get intriguing.”

“I hate when that happens,” Fenny grumbled and flicked off the television. “What’s really bad is when you get hooked on the game shows. You have no idea what the questions are, but you start rooting for one of the contestants.”

“You need to get out more,” Gina laughed and stretched, catching the attention of the dog. “Hey, how long ‘til the show starts?”

Fenny glanced up towards the clock on the VCR. “We’ve got about an hour before we leave.”

“Brilliant. Think I’ll have a shower,” Gina announced and headed towards the bathroom.

“Have fun,” Fenny yawned and leaned over to grab her sketchpad from the end table. “If I’m gonna be stuck with you awhile,” she mumbled to Mochrie as she opened to a fresh page, “I may as well make use of you.”

Fenny sat for a few minutes drawing the sleeping dog as Mochrie changed positions, listening to the water flowing through the pipes as Gina bathed. She was surprised when the phone rang, and let out a grunt as she dragged herself from the sofa to answer it. “Hello?”

“Hey Fenny, is Brad around?” It was Ryan.

“Oh, no, actually, he’s at the studio already, something about practicing with Wayne?”

“Oh. Alright.”

“Why, something wrong?”

“No, it’s just that we’re having a scheduling emergency,” Ryan explained, “Kathy just pulled out of a couple tapings and with him and Greg both being at the taping tonight I thought I’d see who could fill in. So, I was just calling to ask Brad to bring along his schedule for the next few weeks, but since he’s not there, I guess we’ll do it some other time.”

“Well Gina and I are coming to the taping tonight, I could bring along Brad’s planner if you think that would help.”

“Oh yeah, that’d be great, thanks,” he chimed. “So, Gina’s back in town, huh?” he asked. “Greg will be pleased to see her.”

“Maybe,” Fenny shrugged, then wondered why she would be inclined to shrug at the phone.

“Well tell her hi for me, and I guess I’ll see you guys later,” he perked.

“Sure thing,” Fenny smiled and hung up. “Oh boy,” she sighed.


“Let’s try one more,” Wayne chimed, glancing over at Laura at the piano to make sure she was up for it. She smiled back and Wayne thought up a suggestion. He’d been significantly easier to deal with since Paul snapping at him and was enjoying Brad and Paul’s talent for lyrics. “How about…computer, that’s a nice general topic. What’s a style we haven’t done in a while?” he asked, looking back towards Laura.

“Blues?” she suggested.

“Great,” Brad smiled, “let’s go.”

Laura let loose with some nice raunchy bluesy chords and Brad began to sing:

 

My girlfriend got a new computer

And we don’t know how it works

I left her alone to mess with it

Now it sits on the desk and it lurks

After about twenty-five minutes

Of trying to reason with the machine

She screamed and threw it out the window

And it landed on Charlie Sheen

 

All eyes turned to Brad in confused amusement and he held up his hands innocently. “It rhymes,” he shrugged. Paul nodded and launched into his verse.

 

Oh those computers, they can be nasty

Evil, wicked, mean and vile

Whoever’s in charge of the fucking Web

Should be drowned in a tub of cow bile

“It rhymes,” he mumbled under his breath.

Then tied up and gagged and dragged down to the dock

Where they could open wide and suck—


The piano music suddenly stopped and Laura flumped down on the keys. “I’m sorry,” she managed through a laugh. “I’m, really, I’m so, so—”

“Hey guys, what’s going on?” Colin chimed as he approached the stage.

“Finding out that Paul will probably never be allowed on American television,” Brad laughed.


“Who was that on the phone?” Gina asked as she came out of the bathroom toweling her hair.

“Oh, Ryan. I need to bring Brad’s work schedule for them to work out a couple more shows.”

“Aah,” Gina nodded.

“Um, Greg’s gonna be there,” Fenny announced.

“Really?” Gina asked, cursing herself for sounding so eager.

“Unless Ry’s pulling your leg.”

“Well then, this could be interesting,” she said, frowning at herself. “What are the chances of something stupid happening?”

“Considering our track record, pretty high,” Fenny smiled. “But it can’t be any worse than our other trips to the studio.”

“God no,” Gina laughed. “I know it’s wrong, but looking back at it, it was so funny when you and Ritza laid into each other that one time. I’m surprised you’re still allowed in the building.”

“Yeah, well remember when I had to save you from making an idiot out of yourself in front of Greg’s wife?” Fenny countered, and Gina frowned at her. “At least you don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

“And I didn’t end up on televisions all across the world having Brad singing to me,” Gina chuckled.

“Yeah, that so wasn’t cool,” Fenny grumbled. “At least now I know the guys at the show well enough to tell them to fuck off if they come near me with a microphone.”

“I thought it was hilarious,” Gina gasped at Fenny’s distaste for her fifteen seconds of fame.

“It was pretty funny, wasn’t it?” Fenny smiled.