“So, you tell me again now, mate, what happened.” Paul stopped to burp unashamedly and then giggle. “That tasted nasty.”

“I’m hurting on the inside, man,” Brad declared as his beer slopped over the glass and onto the table. “It’s like, like she’s taken all the happy inside me and turned it to sad.”

“That’s women for ya,” Paul interjected with a snort. “They tear out your heart and bash it with a hammer.”

“A big hammer,” Brad agreed. “Y’know, she just doesn’t care about how I feel.”

“She wouldn’t.”

“Nope.”

“Fen’s a cold bitch, like fucking icebergs in her soul.”

“I’m broken, man.”

“It’s ok, drink more,” Paul insisted and drained the last of their jug of beer into Brad’s near full glass.

“And you, man, fuck, your woman.”

“We’re divorced, she divorced me.”

“She’s rightfully yours!”

“I know, you’re right mate. Fucking right. That blonde harlot should be in my bed…”

“…and not that bastard foreign correspondent whatever his name is.”

“It’s a brand of jeans.”

“Levi!”

“That’s that fucker.”

They both took large gulps of beer.

“We, my friend, have been fucked over by women we have showed nothing but love and stuff for,” Brad said as stoically as he could manage having downed enough alcohol to be embalmed.

“We don’t need them,” Paul agreed.

“That’s right,” Brad nodded. “But we stay loyal to them.”

“And why? Because they need us, mate.”

“It’s like we provide a service.”

“Fucking charity, mate. Charity.”

“They should be grateful two good looking, successful fellas like us want to be with them.”

“We could’ve had underwear models.”

“Or nubile young popstars.”

“But no, we devote ourselves to them out of kindness.”

“They don’t understand out needs.”

“Fuck no, when have they ever done anything for us?”

Brad’s forehead knotted and his eyes crossed as he thought as hard as he could. “Well Fen was a pillar of strength when I dumped my bastard child on her.”

“She should be grateful you did that,” Paul said as sternly as he could while wobbling. “Showing her family unity, mate.”

“You raise a good point, my friend.”

“Genie always nursed me when I was sick.”

“But that’s her duty as a woman and as your wife, man.”

“That’s right, mate.”

“But really, what did they ever do for us? Other than things women are supposed to do?”

“Nothing that I can think of right now,” Paul frowned. “But I am quite drunk.”

“No, you’re masking the pain caused by a woman, man,” Brad declared. “It’s not drunk, it’s therapy.”

“You’re right, this calls for tequila!”

“Well you’ll have to get it from somewhere else,” an employee of the establishment declared, looking unsurprised by the intoxication of his patrons. “We’re closing.”

“So early,” Paul gasped. “Is this a communist state?”

“It’s 3am,” the employee sighed. “Please leave.”

“Oh we’ll go,” Brad declared as he got to his feet. He made sure to hold onto the table because he was sure if he didn’t he’d go face first into the floor. “But we’ll let it be known that we’re not happy about the service of this stablish…stablishm…”

“Stablishment,” Paul piped up. “It’s stablishment Sherwood.”

“I beg you good day,” Brad turned his nose up and attempted a forceful walk out. Instead he tripped over three barstools, face slammed a wall and fell down the steps into the pavement. Paul made it outside laughing like a banshee and gripped a nearby lamppost as Brad tried to get to his feet.

“Help me up, you fuck basket,” Brad huffed then giggled as he fell back into the pavement.

“Fuck basket?!” Paul snorted with laughter as he staggered over to Brad and held out his hand. Seconds later he was beside Brad on the pavement. They lay there giggling like schoolgirls until two tall men in dark blue appeared.

“Good evening gentlemen,” one announced as he crossed his arms. “Had a bit too much to drink, have we?”

“Define too much?” Paul mused as he started making a pavement angel.

“Can you actually stand?” asked the other man in blue.

“It’s not looking good,” Brad grinned. “I blame women.”

“If you can’t stand we’ll have to take you back to the station until you can.”

“If we can’t stand, how are you going to take us back to the station?” Paul countered. “Didn’t think of that, did ya, fuckwit?”

The two men in blue looked at each other and sighed. “Is there anyone who can come and get you?” one asked.

“I could call Genie,” Paul suggested lazily.

“No, man, she might be with Levi,” Brad said with much concern.

“That doesn’t make it better,” Paul pouted.

“I’ll call my wife,” Brad declared and propped himself up against a dustbin.

“You have a wife?” Paul gasped wide eyed.

“Fen, you idiot.”

“Ooh yeah.”

Fenny was jolted awake by the sounds of ‘Another Postcard’ by the Barenaked Ladies and it took several moments for her to remember it was her ringtone at the moment. Too lazy to grab her classes she pressed the button on her cell and pressed it to her ear.

“Mmm.”

“Fenny!”

“Yeah.”

“FENNY! SHE ANSWERED!”

“Brad…”

“WOOOOOO!”

“…and Paul…”

“Needs to ask you favour, oh wifey of mine.”

“How drunk are you?”

“Extremely.”

“Wonderful.”

“Anyway, Constable Horowitz here would like you to pick us up please.”

“A police officer.”

“Two.”

“Oh dear.”

“Or we have to go to prison and I don’t want to get man raped.”

“You’d go in a holding cell, Brad.”

“I’m too pretty for man rape.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I mean Pauly can handle himself…”

There was a yell in the background of, ‘look at me I’m pole dancing’ and Brad started to giggle.

Fenny sighed heavily. “Fine, I’ll just throw on some clothes and come get you.”

“You’re the best Fen,” Brad enthused and then attempted to give her directions to where they were.

It was a good half hour later when Fenny pulled up in Gina’s beetle outside the closed pub. She killed the engine and stepped out of the car to greet the officers.

“I’d like to apologise,” she announced straight away. “They’re idiots and shouldn’t be let out in public.”

“You’ll hear no disagreement from us,” one of the officers nodded. “Will you be all right with them?”

“Yes, I’ll be…” she was cut off as both Brad and Paul flung their arms around her.

“WE LOVE YOU FEN YOU’RE OUR SAVIOUR!” they cried together.

“Ok, that’s great and everything,” she mused, freeing herself and opening the passenger side door of the beetle. She pulled the chair forward and pointed to the back seat. “In,” she insisted, looking at Paul.

“Ooh, yes ma’am,” Paul giggled, tripped as he clambered over the seat and toppled into the back.

“Put your seatbelt on,” Fenny insisted as Paul promptly started giggling again. She crossed her arms and shook her head. “Don’t make me have to buckle you in McDermott.” It soon became apparent she would actually have to go through with her threat as Paul couldn’t even get the seatbelt over him. Fenny leaned into the back of the car, pulled the belt with force and snapped it into the clip. All the while Paul squealed about how she was groping him. She slid the passenger seat back into place and Brad happily fell into it. As she pulled away from the kerb and Brad and Paul began to sing along with the Beyonce song on the radio, Fenny knew it was going to be a long drive home.

“Will you two keep it down,” Fenny ordered as she coaxed Brad and Paul into Gina’s apartment. This went badly as Brad knocked into the coffee table and sent books toppling to the floor.

“Can I put on music?” Paul asked in not a whisper.

“No, I’ll get you a blanket and you can go to sleep on the couch,” Fenny hissed as she headed for the hallway.

“But I want to dance,” Paul insisted following her.

“No.”

“Is Levi here?”

“Who?”

“Genie’s new man.”

“No, she’s asleep and you’ll wake her if you don’t shut up.”

“Oh.”

“Go wait in the living room and I’ll get you a blanket so you can sleep on the couch.”

“Fuck that,” Paul grumbled and headed for Gina’s room.

He pushed open the door and thanks to the glow of the clock radio he could see the small lump that was his ex-wife under the covers. Lewis was curled up at her stomach but he lifted his head as Paul stepped into the room.

“Well?” Paul huffed looking at the cat who surveyed him a moment before hopping off the bed and leaving the room. He tried his best to tip toe across the room but in the end he just staggered until he was in bed falling distance. Paul crawled up the bed and spooned Gina while still above the covers.

“What the hell…” Gina woke blearily and was greeted by the stench of alcohol and a rather pleasant warm body. “Paul?”

“I wasn’t sleeping on the couch,” he replied not moving an inch.

“How drunk are you.”

“So very much.”

“Why are you drunk?”

“Brad and I needed to talk emotional stuff.”

“Right,” Gina breathed and turned to look over her shoulder. “You really stink.”

“I was lying on the pavement for quite some time.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Paul giggled sleepily. “Can I stay? I’m a bit too fucked to move.”

Gina sighed. “If you must, but please take off your clothes because you’re repellent.”

There was a few moments silence. “Genie…”

“Yes Paul.”

“I might need help.”

Gina sat up and switched on her bedside light. Paul was lying in rather crumpled and glazed heap. “Hopeless, you’re absolutely hopeless.”

Fenny deviated and headed into the study where she remembered Gina had a couple of sleeping bags stashed away in a box. She retrieved them and headed back through the hall and into the living room.

“Ok guys, so I got you…” she paused and glanced around the faint light. “Where the hell did they go?” she frowned, chucked the sleeping bags on the couch and exhaustedly headed to her bedroom.

Fenny opened the door and sighed as she saw that Brad was passed out, face down on her bed. The blanket wrapped awkwardly around one leg. She hesitated a moment before padding over to the bed and switching on the light. Brad didn’t stir and she realised that it probably wasn’t healthy that he was sleeping with a face full of fabric. Gingerly she manoeuvred his face so it was receiving air again, letting her fingers touch his skin just a little longer than was necessary. Satisfied Brad wasn’t about to die by asphyxiation overnight, Fenny changed out of the jeans and sweater she’d pulled on and into an oversized shirt. One of Brad’s shirts to be exact, but she’d grown accustomed to using it as nightwear.

She took one last confused look at Brad who had started to snore and squeezed herself beneath the narrow section of covers his comatose body allowed her.

Gina tapped her mug as she waited impatiently for the kettle to boil. There was a lot of things going through her head now she was fully awake. Like how she quite enjoyed having Paul snuggled up to her all night, how very thirsty she was, how much she wanted to kiss Lee all over and most importantly in which way she was going to torture Fenny for bringing those two idiots home and forcing her to think very early on a Sunday. The kettle boiled as Fenny appeared looking very dishevelled and miserable. Gina decided this was at least a pleasing start.

“Fen, we need to talk,” she announced as she poured the boiling water into her mug.

“About?” Fenny yawned as she retrieved a carton of juice from the fridge.

“About why Paul is in my bed sleeping off a hangover.”

Fenny opened her mouth to speak but was distracted by her bedroom door opening, fast footsteps and the slamming of the bathroom door.

“And by that retching I’m assuming Brad’s here as well,” she added, raising an eyebrow.

“He called and there was police…” Fenny winced. “They didn’t puke in your car or anything.”

“He just destroyed your soul, Fenella,” Gina sighed. “You should’ve let him spend the night in a holding sell.”

“Paul would’ve had to spend the night in one as well.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“That’s not very nice.”

“He made my sheets smell of man sweat and beer.”

“Well that wouldn’t be the first time either.”

“Now is not the time you to be a smart arse,” Gina scorned. “I’m very unhappy about this whole situation.”

“I’m not entirely thrilled,” Fenny huffed. “But y’know I am married to the douche, so I thought I should do the right thing. Besides, they’ve saved our lives a few times. We owe them that much.”

The bathroom door reopened and a groaning Brad returned to Fenny’s room. Gina sighed and grabbed a glass which she filled with water from the tap. “Go and see to your husband,” she ordered and passed Fenny the glass of water.

Gina took her tea and wandered back into her room, she placed it on the bedside cupboard and sat herself on the bed.

“I’m really hungover,” Paul declared as he turned over to look up at her. “My head feels like its about to explode like gelignite strapped to a suicide bomber.”

“Sounds messy,” Gina mused as Paul manoeuvred himself to rest his head in her lap.

“The messiest,” Paul agreed as Gina absent-mindedly began to stroke his hair. “How’s Sherwood?”

“Praying to the porcelain god, a lot.”

“Boy needs to toughen up,” he mused. “Drinks like a girl.”

“I don’t think being able to drink your body weight in alcohol and not having your liver dissolve is really cause for bragging rights.”

“Are you sure, because I kinda think it is.”

Gina let out a sigh as her fingers traced circles in his hair. “And yet it puzzles you why we divorced.”

“My foolishness was not entirely to blame for our separation,” Paul said soberly as he stroked her knee.

“Are you sure, because I kinda think it is,” Gina chided and Paul shot her a sideways hurt look.

“Too mean for an old man who’s very, very hungover.”

“Sorry, I’m a bit tetchy,” Gina apologised. “I just wasn’t expecting to be nursing my daft ex-husband through a hangover this morning.”

Paul let out groan and rolled onto his back, head still in her lap. “I’m sorry Genie, I didn’t mean to invade your bed.”

“You’re forgiven,” she smiled and patted his cheek. “Thankfully Lee wasn’t here or that could’ve been awkward.”

“I’ll say, imagine if I’d spooned him,” Paul pouted. “And no, I don’t want to know how wonderfully things are going or if you’ve had sex,” he paused. “Have you had sex? No, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know…is he better than me? What am I saying? Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know that he’s seen you naked? Oh great now, I’m thinking of you naked…” he was cut off by Gina putting her hand over his mouth.

“You’re an idiot,” she giggled and dropped a kiss on his forehead. “Go back to sleep before you say something foolish like that time you were hungover and spent 2 hours giving me an in depth analysis of the good side of Judas which ended with you spilling that nauseous sexcapade involving Freya, a bearskin rug and a pack of Cheetos.”

“I never told you that,” Paul gasped as he half sat.

“You lied and told her it wasn’t real bearskin and they were vegan Cheetos.”

“You’re making that up.”

“She made you wear leopard print undies.”

“Oh dear god.”

“Yeah, that was my reaction to.”

Paul yawned and lay back down, turning away from her. “Come snuggle me and I’ll replace that image with something else.”

Gina bit her lip, toyed with the idea and then decided, “Ah what the hell,” and more eagerly than she expected spooned Paul. She wrapped her arms tightly around him and enjoyed the feeling of warmth and familiarity. “So get image replacing McDermott.”

“Ok, remember that time when you made that toffee pudding…”

Fenny gingerly stepped into her darkened room and glanced at the mess beneath the sheets that was Brad. She padded across the room and stopped at the edge of the bed. Ridiculously she stood there clasping the glass of water, not entirely sure what her next move should be. She toyed with the idea of putting the glass down but couldn’t quite force herself to make any sudden movements. A squeal of, ‘you’re filthy’ broke out from Gina’s room and Brad stirred.

“Have you come to read me the last rites?” he mumbled into the pillow.

“I don’t know the last rites,” Fenny replied. “And if you were dying from alcohol poisoning then I’d leave God out of it and just slap you a bit.”

“You’re mean.”

“You made my bed smell like booze, cigarettes, sweat and puke.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Brad sighed as he rolled onto his back. “Quite honestly I remember so little of last night…”

“You called me to rescue you from the police.”

“Police? Oh, that’s who those guys were.”

Fenny rolled her eyes. “I’m surprised you called me.”

“I was insanely drunk,” Brad said hoarsely. “I wasn’t really in control of my actions.”

“Right,” Fenny said quietly as she finally put the glass down and walked over to the window to open the curtains a little. “So you can only stand to be around me when you’re drunk.”

“Oh Fen,” Brad groaned. “Not now, please let’s not do this now.” he sat up as she turned to see his pale, pained expression in the faint light.

“Now seems like a good time,” she shrugged as he moaned and fell back onto the pillows. “I just want you to understand things from my point of view…”

“I’ll apologise now if I have to dash from the room and vomit some more during this conversation.”

“Gee thanks.”

“I don’t mean that as an offense to you,” Brad sighed. “I’m just on a roll at the moment.”

Fenny clenched her teeth. “Why wont you just hear me out?” She heard her voice crack and cursed herself.

“Because right now my entire body is screaming in pain, my stomach is doing more flips than a 13-year-old gymnast, and I’m really not in the mood for a D&M about the state of our relationship.” Fenny crossed her arms, swallowed a couple of times and tried to look nonplussed. “I’ll just leave you be then.”

“I don’t want that either.” He cleared his throat and looked at her with the most beautiful, pleading eyes she’d seen in a long time.

“What do you want then?” she asked, her resolve crumbling easier than a child’s sandcastle.

“I want my wife to come over here and give me a cuddle,” Brad said in almost a whisper. Fenny swallowed again as she hesitated and then slowly she moved over to the bed and flopped down next to Brad. He gently slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her against him. He buried his face into her neck and she found her herself firstly hunting out his ‘Fenny’ tattoo to brush over and then letting her arms move around him, her hands seeking out his shoulders to caress. He gave her a gentle squeeze and Fenny felt a smile come to her lips. Sure he smelt rather awful but he felt wonderful.

It was late in the afternoon when Paul wandered into the kitchen where Gina was icing cupcakes. He stopped and cocked his head to the side.

“Special occasion?”

“I can’t decide between My Ex-Husband Got Drunk and Ended Up in My Bed Sunday or Happy Hangover Day.”

“I’m open to both of those,” Paul chided as Gina turned around and raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah you need to find some pants.”

“You used to like me pantless.”

“I still like you pantless,” she smiled and reddened a little as Paul did a little twirl in his underwear. “Having said that you also need a shower.”

“You can help me wash behind my ears if you want.”

“I think that would be violating out friend agreement.”

“And the spooning didn’t?”

“That was classed as cheer up hugs.”

“Really? I might need a cheer up hug in the shower.”

“Not gonna happen,” Gina laughed and Paul shook his head.

“Can’t blame a guy for trying,” he declared as he headed for the bathroom.

Gina iced the last cupcake and placed it on the plate with the others just as Fenny appeared looking happily dishevelled. “Oh hello, I was starting to think you’d found Narnia.”

“No, still looking for that,” Fenny pouted and then smiled. “I’ve spent the best part of the day cuddling my husband.”

“Ooh progress.”

“Well, less progress, more sick man needing nursed,” she shrugged. “But, eh, I’ll take what I can get.”

“Thatta girl,” Gina mused. “Think positive.”

“How’s things with Paul?”

“They’re fine.”

“And filthy.”

“You say that like it’s a surprise.”

“Well I wasn’t expecting you two to be quite so friendly quite so soon.”

Gina readjusted a couple of cupcakes on the plate and shrugged. “It’s kind of hard not to be. You can’t just stop adoring someone. No matter how much shit they put you through.”

Fenny gave her friend a wry smile as a knock at the door interrupted them. “I’ll go,” she offered and strolled out of the kitchen and down the hall to the front door.

“Are you still having a crisis?” smirked the scruffy, but rather handsome young man on the doorstep.

“I’m constantly in a crisis,” Fenny replied and crossed her arms. “You’re not my Facebook stalker, are you?”

“Well I might be if you’d friend me,” the man chided. “We can send each other virtual plants to virtually save the rainforests.”

“That works for me,” Fenny nodded. “You have to be Lee.”

“Do I? Says who?”

Fenny frowned. “I wasn’t at all prepared for that answer.”

Lee grinned mischievously. “That means I win our first meeting.”

“I didn’t realise we were in competition.”

“You didn’t ask.”

Fenny blinked and decided her brain was going to explode if the conversation continued. He was adorable but strange. “Until round two, then.”

“I’m already in training,” Lee enthused as Fenny moved aside to let him in. “Where’s my prize?”

“In the kitchen with the cupcakes.”

“That’s like the worst Cluedo conclusion ever…


“Am I dead yet?” Brad asked as he staggered into the kitchen and slumped into a chair.

“No, although you are looking corpse-like,” Gina replied as she patted his shoulder. “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what though.”

“How about sweet tea and dry toast?”

“I think I can handle that,” Brad yawned. “Why do they call it dry toast? It’s not like you dampen toast normally.”

Gina giggled as she dropped the bread into the toaster and boiled the kettle. “You must be feeling better.”

“A bit,” he smiled. “Sorry we did stupid drunken things and invaded your house.”

“Aww, it’s ok,” she cooed as the toast popped up and she grabbed a plate. “It’s not like it’s the first time and I do love you both dearly.”

“You’re a goddess, Gina.”

“Well yes, of course.”

Brad chuckled as Gina placed the tea and toast in front of him. They both looked up as Fenny reappeared looking bewildered with Lee close behind her babbling about an odd little shop he visited in Vietnam that sold relics from the war.

“Are you harassing my friend?” Gina scorned as Lee sauntered over to her.

“I am getting to know your friend, we’re bonding,” Lee said innocently. “And I know you said we’d see each other tomorrow but I couldn’t wait,” he pouted, his eyes went wide and he teased her into his arms.

“Fenella?”

“I’m still trying to work out what we were actually talking about,” Fenny shrugged and distracted herself by patting Brad’s head.

“What would you say if I said I didn’t want to see you right now?” Gina asked raising an eyebrow.

“That’s you’re lying,” Lee countered. “I’m adorable and you know you want to see me.”

“Damn you,” Gina giggled as she brushed her lips against his.

“Hey Genie, I hope you don’t mind but I…” Paul’s voice trailed off as he stopped in the doorway. Hair damp from the shower, clothes soiled from the previous night.

“Why is your ex-husband here?” Lee asked pulling away from Gina a little.

“Awkward!” Brad declared in a singsong voice.

“It’s nothing,” Gina squeaked and then regained her composure. “They got drunk last night and spent the night here.”

“Yeah mate, it was nothing,” Paul huffed. “Thanks for the use of your bed, I better be going,” he added and stalked from the room.

“Your bed?” Lee asked looking questioningly at Gina.

“Do something,” Brad hissed at Fenny who was staring, not sure what to do in the now very awkward moment. She looked from Gina to Lee, gasped and then snatched up Brad’s second slice of toast and began to eat it.