By the time they’d crawled through the late afternoon traffic, the conversation had gone from how amusing it’d be to give Paul a full body shave to the time Gina and Abbie had given half a dozen chickens as a birthday present to a friend who lived in an apartment.

“You didn’t seriously do that?” Fenny gasped.

“Of course we did,” Gina mused.

“Why would we lie?” Abbie added. “Sure, it could be classed as a lie if I’d said we’d gift-wrapped 39 camels for charity, but many cultures give chickens as presents.”

“Yes, but not in inner city Melbourne,” Paul chimed in.

“There’s always a first,” Abbie countered.

“I’d like to see camels gift-wrapped,” Brad piped up and received a bewildered look from everyone else for his slow response to the conversation. No one was given time to express this point as Gina pulled the car to a stop at the Hilton and everyone got out. She passed the keys to the valet and they wandered into the lobby.

The second they passed through the electronic doors they noticed a commotion over by the bar. Cameron had decided to do his best Tom Cruise in “Cocktail” impersonation and was creating a series of indigestible cocktails as Mick yelled out a series of drinks to mix.

“Baileys, scotch and raspberry cordial…ew,” Abbie cringed.

“I have to find some new friends,” Paul sighed, realising he was now totally sober.

“Have they actually stopped drinking since they’ve been here?” Fenny asked.

“I don’t know, what am I, their keeper?” Paul replied.

“Look, it’s McDermott,” Cameron declared as he passed Mick a glass with a foaming pink liquid in it.

“Hey fellas,” Paul waved.

“While it might look totally disgusting, Cam’s rum, pink lemonade and guava mixer is great,” Mick perked and took a mouthful of the liquid. His eyes glassed over and he appeared motionless for moment. “Great,” he added as he came back to life.

“So, what are we doing now?” Fenny piped up, looking to Gina for a semblance of intelligence.

“Dinner?” Gina shrugged and looked at Abbie who was giggling at Mick and Cameron.

“Yeah, whatever,” she mused.

Gina looked at Paul and gave him a wry smile. “Go on, go join them, I know you want to.”

“Huh? No, we’re having dinner, aren’t we?” Paul replied, obviously distracted by his friends.

“I demand you go and get smashed,” Gina declared. “Go on,” she pointed to where Mick was leaning his head on the bar and Cameron was pouring beer into his mouth.

Paul grinned unashamedly. “I so love you,” he mused and brushed his lips against hers.

Gina grabbed him before he dashed off. “Take Brad with you,” she whispered.

Paul rolled his eyes. “Brad mate, fancy a drink?”

“Sure, as long as it doesn’t have raspberry cordial in it,” Brad perked, shot Fenny a smile and followed Paul over to the bar, where Mick was now pouring beer into Cameron’s mouth.

“Oh, why’d you make the guys leave?” Abbie pouted.

“Fen needs space,” Gina shrugged.

“Thanks,” Fenny sighed. “Can we go somewhere? Anywhere?”

“Don’t you want to change first? I know I do,” Gina declared. “Then we can.”

Fenny nodded and the three women headed upstairs. Abbie followed Gina into her hotel room and flumped on the bed as Gina changed into her jeans, boots and peasant top. “So what’s Fen’s story then?” Abbie asked.

“A spineless artist who by all means is totally in love with Brad Sherwood but insists on making their happiness crumble into a fiery ball of misery which yours truly is forced to constantly rebuild. Otherwise I have to put up with the pair of them giving me headaches with their pining,” Gina replied as she ran a brush through her hair.

“Is the woman going to force me to drink?”

“She forces me to drink.”

“Oh great, tonight’s going to be a fucking ball then.”

“Of course it will. I can usually push Fen into being less, well, Fen. But with you here, I expect we can get her to do something as far from Fenny-like as possible,” Gina perked.

“I’m intrigued,” Abbie mused raising an eyebrow.

Fenny pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a fresh shirt before grabbing her cell phone. She had three messages in her message bank and obediently called the number to listen to them. The first one was from Danny, his voice making her smile and filling her with a sense of calm. It’s Danny, I miss you, call me when you get back. The next wasn’t quite so pleasing; it was from Andy and he sounded tense, Fen, I hate this fighting between us. It’s killing me, please, please call me. We need to talk. She listened to the robotic voice wondering who her last message was from. Fen, I want to tell you…I know you’re probably back in Brad’s arms, so just delete this message, okay? But I’ve got to say it; I’ll go mad if I don’t. I love you, Fen. Fenny stopped the call and looked at her phone, not sure what she should be thinking. Danny had said the three words she was scared to say, and she wasn’t upset, or angry. In fact, the only thing Fenny could sense was the giddy smile on her face.

“I’m so, so sorry for fucking Freya, man,” Brad apologised again as Paul handed him a beer.

“Don’t worry about it, okay,” Paul soothed. “If anything you did me a favour.”

“How?”

“I’ve got a reason to break things off with her now?” Paul shrugged.

“Have you no remorse?”

“Only that it couldn’t have been under better circumstances?”

“Who breaks up under better circumstances? Define better circumstances?”

“Well, I could’ve…if she hadn’t…the thing is, right, that she has betrayed our relationship and I feel emotionally scarred.”

“You are so full of shit,” Brad smirked. “How can you dump her over something that Gina has done countless times?”

“Gina has fucked you?” Paul mocked.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Brad huffed.

“Look, I know I’m contradictory, but such is life,” Paul declared. “I haven’t been the most faithful husband, boyfriend, human, brother and pet owner in the 40 years I’ve been on this fucking planet mate. The only thing, the one thing that keeps me sane is Gina.”

“Then why fuck Freya?” Brad scorned.

“Stupidity. Listen Sherwood, can you honestly say that Fen is everything to you? I mean that girl has put herself through hell for you.”

“Hell? She shacked up with Andy the advertising asshole.”

“It was soulless relationship, are you that stupid that you couldn’t see that?”

“What about Danny then? He’s in love with her.”

“So, so are you, apparently, and if today is any indication, you’ve still got one hand in her knickers more than he does.”

Brad looked at Paul bemused. “Look, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve let my feelings be known. It’s up to Fen to make the next move.”

They both took a gulp of beer. “We’re not even close to drunk enough,” Paul declared.

“I know, let’s get onto the uncontrollable laughter stage and soon,” Brad agreed.

Gina and Abbie looked at each other and then back at Fenny who had barely uttered two words over dinner and had taken to mashing her dessert into an unattractive mess.

“Want to talk about it?” Gina asked. “Fen?”

“Huh?” Fenny gasped, looking at the concerned faces of her friends.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Gina repeated, an annoyed tone to her voice.

“I’m fine, really, just not very hungry,” Fenny mumbled and put her spoon down.

“Oh please, you destroyed a perfectly good chocolate pudding, if you don’t talk I’ll be forced to throttle you with the tablecloth,” Abbie cussed and sculled the rest of the wine in her glass.

“It’s nothing really, just trivial,” Fenny shrugged.

“Go for it with Brad,” Gina sighed. “I’m serious, go back to the hotel, drag him to your room and tear his clothes off with your teeth.”

“Brad isn’t the problem. Well he is the problem, but not the problem at this very moment…”

“Stop bloody rambling woman and just spit it out,” Abbie ordered.

“Danny left a message on my phone saying he loved me,” Fenny cringed.

“Danny?” Abbie asked, looking to Gina for help.

“Brannigan,” Gina mused.

“Crap, I wanted him,” Abbie pouted.

“Well, you wanted to know,” Fenny said matter-of-factly. “So what do I do?”

Gina and Abbie looked at each other a moment. “He’s in Sydney at the moment…” Gina began.

“And Brad’s here ready and waiting…” Abbie chimed in.

“This just revolves back to my go and fuck Brad theory,” Gina mused.

“Thank you, that was most helpful,” Fenny sarced.

Gina looked at her watch. “Shit, we better go and make sure those three idiots make it on stage and that Brad hasn’t been tied to a street sign with his testicles panted yellow.”

“I’d pay to see that,” Abbie giggled as she signalled a waiter.

Gina, Fenny and Abbie approached Laughing Gas as Paul, Brad, Mick and Cameron wandered up giggling hysterically and quite wobbly on their feet.

“How was dinner?” Paul asked.

“How was the piss up?” Gina countered.

“Successful,” Paul nodded, fighting giggles as Mick and Cameron descended inside.

Gina shook her head as she wrapped him up in a hug. “Did Brad say anything?” she whispered into his ear.

“Ask me when I’m sober,” Paul sniggered as he tried to kiss her.

“We might be married, but I’m not going there. I can smell whatever it is you’ve been drinking from here,” Gina declared, trying to keep her lips away from his.

“I think it involved tequila and something blue and bubbly, which is currently burning holes in my intestinal track,” Paul mused.

Gina had a sudden image of Paul drinking Harpic toilet cleaner. “You should probably go and entertain your fans now.” She smiled and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“Okay,” he said childlike and grinned impishly. “Come on, Sherwood,” he added and dragged Brad into the club.

“Shall we go and get our seats then?” Gina piped up as she tried to wipe the smile from her face.

“Actually, I don’t think I’m really in the mood. I might just go back to the hotel and have an early night,” Fenny announced.

“This from the woman who spent the last five minutes in a flirt-off with Brad,” Abbie exclaimed. “Obviously you wouldn’t have noticed as you were too busy trying to decide whether to drag Paul into the nearest alley for a quickie or not,” she added, looking at Gina.

“Actually, I was more concerned as to whether he’d been drinking ‘blue loo’ or not,” Gina cussed. “What do you mean flirt-off?”

“Fen and Brad, the little looks, sly smiles, the hankering, lust in the eyes. It was all there,” Abbie chided.

“I think somebody’s got a case of the green eyed monster,” Fenny declared raising an eyebrow.

Gina started laughing and Abbie shot her daggers. “I’m not above punching you.”

“Me neither, for that matter,” Fenny piped up as Gina glared at her. “Hey, it’s not like you wouldn’t have deserved it.”

“And I thought you guys were my friends,” Gina huffed as she heard Paul burst into the first song.

“Are we going in or what?” Abbie breathed.

“Well Fen might have a breakdown having to be in the same room as Brad,” Gina sighed. “But then you haven’t seen Pauly perform for a while.”

“Did I or did I not state earlier that I never said I wanted to see him ponce about on stage?” Abbie said haughtily.

“Good point,” Fenny nodded. “Besides, you’re married to him, he can perform for you anytime,” she added looking at Gina.

“Fine, then what are we going to do?” Gina asked.

“Let’s go to the beach,” Abbie perked.

“It’s dark,” Fenny announced, stating the obvious.

“Exactly,” Abbie smiled, grabbed both Gina and Fenny, and led them back up the street.

Paul scanned the crowd looking for a familiar face to taunt and realised that neither Gina, Fenny, nor Abbie were there. The only person he recognised other than the handful of obsessed fans who’d been there the previous night was Brad, who was lolling about at the bar. He’d have to use Brad a little later, but right now, even though Paul was currently belting out a song, he felt slightly miffed that Gina hadn’t turned up, hell, she’d only been outside. He made a mental note to (a) drink more when he’d finished singing and (b) to make Gina beg at his feet for forgiveness for being unsupportive.

“Do you think Paul will be angry?” Fenny asked as she, Gina and Abbie took a slow walk along the deserted Largs Bay jetty.

“Oh, probably,” Gina sighed. “He’ll have to take his wrath out on some other meek audience member instead.”

“Remember when he invited you along to a show, before you started dating,” Abbie mused slapping Gina’s arm. “You spent about five minutes insulting each other, it was hysterical.”

“I would have loved to have seen that,” Fenny perked. “So how did you two meet?”

“High school,” Abbie replied. “We shared a mutual hate of the same person.”

“We still do,” Gina added as both she and Abbie started sniggering.

“So how did you two meet?” Abbie asked, looking from Fenny to Gina and back again.

“Fen deposited a large cup of Pepsi over Greg Proops’s head,” Gina mused.

“Because he was fucking you?” Abbie asked.

“Something like that,” Fenny smiled. “That and I was having issues with Brad.”

“But we properly met at a Whose Line taping.” Gina nodded.

“God, that seems so long ago,” Fenny sighed as her mind wandered back to slightly less confusing and happier times. “Are you seeing anyone?” she added looking at Abbie.

“Abs has Mark, her lap dog,” Gina piped up.

“He’s not a lap dog,” Abbie laughed. “He just does what I say.”

“They eloped a couple of years ago. Paul and I were in Queensland on holiday and they turned up and informed us we were the witnesses,” Gina mused.

“My parents still don’t know. They keep asking when we’re going to get hitched, they don’t believe me when I tell them we already are,” Abbie cackled.

“Sounds like a good idea to me. I fear letting my father anywhere near my wedding,” Fenny laughed.

“So you plan to marry one of your many men then?” Abbie asked.

“She used to be engaged to Brad,” Gina replied. “Until his child with another woman was revealed.”

“Oh my god,” Abbie gasped.

“She’s adorable, really, I just don’t want to be her mother,” Fenny shrugged as they stopped at the end of the jetty and looked down at the dark, swirling water. They stood in silence for a moment, taking in the sea air. “My life is way too fucked up,” Fenny declared.

“Well stop fucking other men and it won’t be a problem,” Abbie mused. “And that goes for you too,” she added, narrowing her eyes at Gina, who smiled wryly and gave her friend the finger.

“What are we going to do now?” Paul demanded, looking at his watch.

“We could do…” Mick began but was cut off quickly by Paul.

“No, that song is shit.”

Cameron suddenly burst out into a song about Tony Danza, and the audience cracked up. Paul looked at Cameron and shook his head.

“They love me,” Cameron said smugly as he reached for his drink. Paul turned back to the audience and smiled as Mick decided to start singing. He leaned over and smacked Mick’s hands off of the guitar. “No one wants to hear your fucking song, mate.” The audience whooped and Mick gave Paul the finger.

“GIVE SOMEONE ELSE ON STAGE A GO, MONKEY BOY,” Brad yelled from the bar.

Paul looked at him amused. “Get fucked, Sherwood,” he scorned. “Everyone, that’s my ex-friend Brad. People who were here last night might remember Fenny, Brad is one of the fifteen men she’s currently fucking.”

“Hey, there’s plenty of me to go around,” Brad perked.

“Ha, I’ve seen you naked,” Paul said, then looked a bit confused. “That sounded so wrong.”

“I’ve seen your wife naked,” Brad chirped. Paul scowled and then they both cracked up.

“Hey Sherwood, you should come sing a song,” Paul announced. “Do you want to hear Brad sing?” he asked the audience, who cheered loudly.

Brad finished his drink and swaggered through the audience and up onto the stage. The crowd sniggered at the obvious difference in height between Paul and Brad, and Paul leapt up on a speaker box. His intoxicated state made balancing difficult and he fell off into Brad’s arms.

“What am I going to sing?” Brad asked, dropping Paul back onto the stage.

Paul thought for a moment. “Let’s do ‘Love Shack’.”

Brad giggled. “Oh, Jesus.”

Paul looked over at Cameron and Mick “Do you know it?” They both nodded. Paul dashed off stage and returned with an extra microphone for Brad. The audience was a bit confused about what was happening, until Brad started singing and they all cracked up. Brad himself almost lost it when Paul, Cameron and Mick did their best as female backing singers.

“I wish I could stay here, right here forever,” Fenny sighed as she lay back on the sand.

“Why, so you can avoid dealing with your problems as usual?” Gina sighed.

“Well that’s the pot calling the kettle black,” Abbie snide.

“I don’t run away from my problems,” Gina huffed. “Often.”

“Pretty hard to run with Paul clamped between your thighs,” Abbie chided.

“That’s where he does his best work,” Gina agreed.

“Can we not go there?” Fenny groaned as they all fell silent.

“I’m bored,” Abbie piped up. “Gina, I’m bored.”

“So what do you want me to do about it?” Gina scowled.

“Let’s go swimming,” Abbie perked.

“We don’t have our suits,” Fenny declared, again stating the obvious.

“And?” Abbie shrugged as she started to remove her clothes.

“You’re not serious,” Fenny gasped and looked at Gina who was doing the same.

“Are you going to join us or be a spoilsport?” Abbie asked.

“I’m liking the idea of being a spoilsport,” Fenny replied, then realised she’d been abandoned. She let several handfuls of sand run through her fingers as she watched Gina and Abbie playing about in the surf.

“Fuck it,” she mumbled and started to strip.