“We’ve really gotta learn how to fight,” Paul panted as Gina’s hand groped at his exposed chest.

“Fine, I’ll chuck a vase at you later,” Gina gasped, her lips crashing back down on his.

“A big one.”

“A fucking huge one,” she chided as their flustered faces broke into giggles.

“Please tell me that’s your phone vibrating my testicles,” he sniggered and slid his hand into her pocket to pull out her cell phone. “They’ll glow now, from all that radiation.”

“Shut up,” she giggled as she answered the call. “Hello.”

“Gina, thank god you’re still up,” Freya’s frantic voice breathed.

“It’s 11:00, where did you expect me to be?”

“I need to ask you a huge, huge favour.”

“Does it involve eating lentil burgers?”

“No.”

“Okay, what’s the problem then?”

“My computer has died, I can’t get my article back, and Amanda is breathing down my neck. You’re really good at fixing this kind of thing.”

“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?”

“No, apparently it’s going in the first edition.”

Gina closed her eyes and let out a low groan. “Damn this little red bitch in my chest.”

“What?”

“Never mind, give me 20 and I’ll be there.”

“Thanks Gina, you’re a real friend,” Freya sighed as Gina hung up her phone and collapsed back against Paul on the couch.

“You are a far nicer person than people give you credit for,” Paul perked.

“You’ve so got to dump her,” Gina breathed as she pulled herself back up.

“This is where you go back to hating me again, right?”

“Working on it,” she huffed, getting to her feet and readjusting her clothes.

“Well the three minutes of happiness we had were nice,” he shrugged.

Gina looked at him bemused and broke into a smile. “Another half a second and you would have been spent.”

Paul’s mouth fell open in over the top shock. He then changed his expression to a devious smile. Gina’s eyes went wide and she let out a squeal as she hurriedly grabbed the envelope from the table and shoved it into her back pocket. She began to back away, trying not to laugh as Paul moved toward her. He broke into a dash and she bolted for the door but he grabbed her as she fiddled with the lock.

“NO!” Gina shrieked as Paul started to tickle her until she couldn’t breathe for laughing. “Stop, please, mercy.”

“Spent, am I?” Paul sneered.

“No,” Gina giggled. “You could fuck a marathon.”

“A marathon?” he jeered as he tickled her even more.

“Please, I’ll seriously wet myself,” she laughed.

“Oh what, and you think that’ll stop me?” Paul cackled as Gina let out another squeal.

“Hot chocolate and TimTams,” Danny announced as he emerged from the kitchen in a pair of baggy shorts and his favorite Swans guernsey with two mugs and a packet of chocolate biscuits under one arm.

“I never took you as a chocoholic?” Fenny mused as she closed her sketchbook and placed it on the coffee table.

“I figure it’s what we’re supposed to do since we’re both suffering broken hearts,” Danny shrugged and passed Fenny a mug.

“Oh yeah, I’m devastated,” she muttered as she helped herself to a biscuit and stretched her legs out over his lap.

“Oh come on, you must have liked something about the guy?” he countered, using his free hand to massage one of her feet.

“Yeah, that’s true. He was quite a charmer when we first met, believe it or not. He was sweet, romantic and pretty much swept me off my feet.”

“So what went wrong?”

“I don’t really know. He just changed, almost overnight. I guess that’s when he started seeing Sam or something. The only thing I was useful for was being part of the industry,” she sighed as Danny’s hand moved from her foot onto her leg. “How’d you meet Sam?”

“Office party, too much beer, and something to do with a broom cupboard. She was basically the office stunner; I treated her like a princess. Thought she was the one. Then she got promoted and started taking lots of overseas business trips….” he breathed.

“Does Gina know her?”

“God no, Gina would have scared her off,” he smiled.

Fenny studied Danny for a moment. “Do you miss journalism?”

“Very much so. I’d rather be out shoving my Dictaphone in the Prime Minister’s face than listening to pretentious pricks like Andy crap on,” Danny nodded.

“So why did you leave it?”

“The truth?” he said cautiously. Fenny nodded. “I missed Gina. it wasn’t the same without her. Who else could you go to a Press Club Luncheon with and spend the entire time flicking crème caramel in various rich bastards’ expensive glasses of champagne?”

“I get the feeling you have quite a soft spot for my best friend,” Fenny teased.

Danny chuckled. “I used to. Tried to kiss her once, too. I was very, very drunk and she looked at me and said, ‘Daniel, you ever try that again and I’ll be forced to remove your wedding tackle with a nail file’.”

Fenny giggled and placed her mug on the coffee table. “I’d expect nothing less from her.”

Danny leaned forward and placed his mug on the table as well, and then looked at Fenny. “Where am I supposed to lie?”

“On the floor?” she suggested.

“Nah fuck that,” he scoffed and squished his way into her spot, causing Fenny to topple over the side.

“Hey,” she pouted as Danny sprawled out on his back and grinned. “And just where am I supposed to lie?”

“I’ll be your mattress.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, climb aboard.”

Fenny giggled as she clambered on top of Danny, her head nestled beneath his chin and her arms wrapped around him. She found herself almost instantly relaxing as she felt his heartbeat against her chest and his muscular arms wrap around her. This, Fenny decided, was as close to bliss as she was ever likely to get.

“Could you be anymore fantastic?” Freya perked as she pulled the floppy from the disk drive.

“At this hour?” Gina asked and stifled a yawn. It was 2am and she’d finally fixed Freya’s computer and saved the day.

“I’ll shove this on Amanda’s desk and we’ll go,” Freya announced. “I owe you, like, so much,” she added as she left her cubicle.

“Yeah,” Gina said with a sardonic smile. “Like fucking off outta my life,” she added as she shut the computer down. Freya returned seconds later and grabbed her bag from where she’d dumped it under her desk.

“Do you need a lift?” Gina asked as she got to her feet.

“Yes, oh yes, thank you,” Freya said almost over-dramatically. “Could you drop me at Paul’s?”

“Sure,” Gina said curtly as she led the way from the building. She’d been hoping Freya would go to her own home, so she could have gone and snuggled with Paul. They drove in silence with only the overnight mix on the radio to stop the atmosphere from being tense. Gina slowed to a stop outside Paul’s apartment block and Freya slid out the car.

“Thank you for, like, the millionth time,” she smiled before closing the door.

Gina smiled until she was out of sight and then yawned again and wondered what otherworld arsehole had decided to fuck up her life. How many people on earth would get stuck with their husband’s mistress? Especially one who doesn’t actually know the man she’s dating is married, nor that he’s still very much in love with his wife, but thinks that wife is her bestest buddy? Gina decided the radio was screwing with her head and turned it down. She arrived home a short while later and staggered, absolutely exhausted, into her apartment. The day had been far too emotionally draining, and all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and forget about life for a while.

Gina didn’t bother turning on any lights and tiptoed into her bedroom. She stripped to her underwear and then fumbled for her pajamas that she knew were on the end of the bed.

“Leave them off.”

“Fuck,” Gina gasped, her heart racing as the light flicked on and Paul looked at her half-asleep from beneath the covers. “Are you trying to send me to an early grave?”

“Sorry,” Paul yawned. “Where you been?”

“Where do you think? I dropped her at your place,” Gina said in a hushed voice as she quickly pulled on her pajamas.

“Oh well, she’s sleeping alone then,” he smiled as she slid into bed and snuggled as close to him as she could. He reached over and switched off the light.

“I’m devastated, really,” she sighed as she held him that little bit tighter, just to make sure she wasn’t dreaming after falling asleep at the wheel and about to crash into a ditch. “So why are you warming my bed? I’d like to think it’s because you love and adore me.”

“Do you need to ask?” he teased. “I remembered I wanted to ask you something.”

“I’ve told you I’m not into wife swapping parties,” she mused sleepily.

“Damn. No, nothing like that. I’m going to Adelaide for a couple of days with Cam and Mick to do GUD, thought you might like to come,” he announced. “I mean, you haven’t been home for a while, we could pop in and see your folks.”

“Oh, the excitement. I’ll think about it,” she replied. “Now shut up and let me sleep or you can go share with Brad.”

“Or the three of us together,” Paul suggested. Gina chose to ignore the comment as she felt the heaviness of sleep descend upon her.

“Shit,” Danny cussed as the sneaker he’d pulled off flew across the room and knocked over a stack of CDs. Fenny woke and blearily looked in Danny’s direction.

“What the hell did you do?” she asked.

“Just destroying things, sorry. I went for a run and was trying to be quiet,” he replied, pulling off his other sneaker.

“I don’t know how you can be bothered to do that in the morning. Or at all, for that matter,” she mused as she slid out of bed and padded over to him.

“I’ve gotta be fit to play footy,” he declared as she let one of her hands slide onto his toned rear, enjoying the silky feel of his tiny jogging shorts. “You don’t want to touch me, I’m sweating like a pig,” he added and removed his singlet.

“Hey, that’s just the way I like you,” she smiled and planted several kisses on his glistening chest.

“Still, I’m having a shower,” he smiled and caught her in a kiss.

“Well in that case, I’ll have to join you, get those hard to reach places,” Fenny said poignantly.

“If you insist,” Danny nodded and caught her in another kiss just as there was a knock at the door. “Hold that thought,” he announced and dashed out of the room.

Fenny heard Danny open the door, have a brief conversation, and then looked up as he entered the room with a large bunch of roses in his arms.

“For you,” he shrugged, “and they’re not from me.” He lay them on the bed.

Fenny poked around the over-the-top bunch of flowers and finally found a card. She had a fair idea who they were from, and the card only confirmed her suspicions.

“Does he think I’m going to just fall back into his arms?” Fenny huffed and chucked the card onto the bed.

“Who?” Danny asked and picked up the card. “Oh, Andy.”

“I should go and throw the flowers at him, hope the thorns prick out his eyeballs,” she spat.

“Even better, lob off all the heads and then send them back,” he suggested. “Girl did that to me once.”

“What did you do to deserve that?”

“Backed over her dog.”

Fenny let out a snigger, “I shouldn’t laugh.”

“The irony was it was called Rover and that’s what I was driving.”

She broke into giggles and looked back at the flowers. “I’ll think of something to get the message through to the prick.”

“That’s the ‘tude,” he perked. “Now, back to the hard to reach places,” he added with a grin.

“Sherwood, you’ve been staring at the back of that cereal packet for the last ten minutes. The nutritional information just isn’t that interesting,” Gina declared as she rested her mug back on the table.

“Huh? Oh, sorry. I’m totally elsewhere,” Brad muttered.

“Why? What have you done?”

“Why do you assume I’ve done something?”

“I’m married, I know the looks men give when they’re guilty.”

Brad pushed the cereal box out of the way and looked despondently at Gina. “I did something really, really bad.”

“Bad with a bad outcome or bad with a good outcome?”

“Not sure yet. Was darn good at the time though.”

Gina raised an eyebrow. “You fucked Ritza!” she gasped.

“What? How did you…?” Brad gasped.

“Women’s intuition,” she shrugged. “What about Fen, I thought you guys were…sorted?”

“I didn’t plan for it, it just felt right. Great. Mind blowing, even.”

“Please, that’s too much detail, even for me.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I love Fen, you know that. I’ve been kicking myself since Ritza and I…. I’m such an idiot.”

“Yes you are,” she agreed. “Please tell me you are not falling for her all over again as I might have to beat you with a selection of household cleaning implements.”

“I don’t know. I think I feel sorry for her,” he shrugged.

“I’m starting to worry that you have some sort of complex that attracts you to single mothers,” she teased.

“You think I need therapy?”

“Might help your profile.”

“Gee thanks,” he huffed. “Paul left early.”

“Yeah, he’s spending a couple of days in Adelaide.”

“Glad I’m not.”

“Wanted me to go with him.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t.”

“Oh I will, I’m just letting him stew a while,” Gina smiled.

“You’re pure evil,” Brad mused.

“Yes, well at least I’m not screwing around,” she said pointedly.

“You’re right, hold the press, a miracle has happened,” he chided.

“Do you want those Cornflakes in your lap?” she scorned. “Anyway, while you’re here, a couple of things to do while I’m gone: feed the cat, buy milk, and sort out your life, okay?”

“In that order?”

“Well you could try buying a life, sorting out the cat, and feeding milk, but that’s just freaky,” Gina perked.

Paul arrived at the airport feeling slightly relieved that he’d be able to escape the shittier parts of his life for 48 hours. When he’d gotten home he’d lied to Freya saying that he’d gone to Mikey’s, they had a few drinks and he decided to spend the night on the couch. Freya accepted his apology even though this would have meant turning up on Mikey’s doorstep after 11 at night and getting wasted within a couple of hours, not that it couldn’t be done. He scanned the crowds and noticed Cameron, a fellow comedian, and Mick, who was part of the Gadflys, arguing over what was better, fingerbuns or donuts.

“I’m with Mick, give me a chocolate donut over a fingerbun any day,” Paul announced causing the other two to turn around.

“Ha,” Mick smiled, triumphant.

“Since when did you side with the guitarist?” Cameron huffed.

“Since he’s offered to buy the first round when we get to Adelaide,” Paul grinned and slapped Mick on the back.

“Hey?” Mick gasped and nearly dropped his guitar on a small child.

“Careful you fuckwit, you nearly killed that child,” Paul pointed out.

“Yeah, save it for Adelaide,” Cameron added.

Paul looked at them both strangely. “Why the fuck do I work with you two?”

Cameron smiled while Mick looked accusingly at his guitar case.

After sharing enough bodily fluids to lubricate the entire population of Mongolia, the shower, and breakfast with Danny, he announced he had footy training and that she was welcome to come and watch.

“While the prospect of watching you get all sweaty again is actually quite appealing, I should probably go and see Brad,” Fenny smiled as she hunted out her bag.

“Yeah, of course,” Danny nodded, sounding slightly taken aback. “Do you want to meet for lunch or something?”

“We’ll see. I should go and see Gina as well.”

“Right, you want a lift?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s a nice day…I’ll take the bus,” she smiled. “Hey, that’s technically exercise.”

“Shit, all I need now is to get you in some tight walking shorts,” he smirked.

“That is never going to happen, I promise you now,” Fenny smiled and brushed her lips against his. “I’ll call.”

“You’d better,” Danny smiled back as he watched her head for the door. “Fen!”

“What?” she asked stopping and turning around.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Nothing,” he managed to mumble.

Fenny studied him for a moment. “Yeah,” she nodded, “later,” and then headed out of Danny’s apartment. As she made her way to the footpath, Fenny’s head began to swim. She thought, no, she knew that Danny had been about to confess that he loved her, and in all honesty, she’d wanted him to. At that moment, Fenny could think of nothing nicer than staying in Australia and settling down with Danny. He made her feel special, and their relationship was uncomplicated. If she had learnt nothing else, it was that Australian men were a very good option.

Fenny saw the bright yellow bus stop sign in the distance and headed toward it. As she did, she noticed a dark car slowing down beside her. She quickened her pace as the car pulled to a stop and there was the banging of a car door.

“Fen.”

She stopped and turned around. “Fuck off, Andy,” she spat.

“Please, can we just talk?” Andy begged.

“What’s there to talk about?”

“Us.”

“Us? Andy, there is no us, there hasn’t been an us for long time”

“Don’t say that,” he pleaded as he moved closer to her. “I know I’ve been a bastard lately, I’ve just been under so much stress. It’ll be alright once we get back to the States.”

“Maybe I don’t want to go back to the States,” she cussed

“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s where you live,” he scorned.

“See, there you go again, telling me what I’m going to do. I can and will make up my own mind, when I decide whatever it is I’m going to do,” she snapped as she noticed the bus in the distance.

“Fen, please, I’m sorry, can we just talk, go for coffee or something?” Andy whined.

“I don’t drink coffee, you should know that,” she hissed and she signalled the bus, which slowed to stop. “We’re over, Andy, live with it,” she huffed and got on the bus, happy to watch Andy’s crushed expression fade into the distance.

Gina looked over the list she’d written of things for Brad to do while she was gone.

“Feed the cat, buy milk, clean bathroom, pick up towels, write down logical phone messages, don’t cook anything — get take away…” Gina’s mutterings were interrupted by a knock at the door. She hurriedly pinned the list to the fridge with a magnet and rushed to open the front door.

“Fen,” Gina gasped.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Fenny cussed.

“Sorry, I’m sort of rushing about a bit.”

“Sort of rushing about?” Fenny asked as she followed Gina who went into her bedroom. There was a small bag packed on the bed and Fenny looked at it curiously.

“You’re not eloping, are you?” Fenny asked.

“Huh?” Gina asked as Fenny motioned to the bag. “I’m already married, you tool. No, Paul’s performing in Adelaide, he invited me along.”

“That’s brilliant, has he dumped…”

“No. gave me a scare, though. In some stupid, drunken moment he decided he wanted a divorce, got the papers yesterday.”

“Shit, you didn’t sign them?” Fenny gasped.

“God no. Paul apologised and told me to dispose of them. Haven’t got round to it yet though. I’ll do it later,” Gina mused. “So, what brings you here?”

“I don’t know…Gina…” Fenny paused as she sat on the edge of the bed. “Andy and I broke up.”

“Yes! Finally!” Gina perked.

“Yeah and I, I think I’m falling in love with Dan,” Fenny swallowed.

“Hey,” Gina gasped and dropped the hairbrush she was holding. “What about Brad?”

“God, I don’t know…I’ve barely seen him,” Fenny groaned. “What am I going to do?”

“I have no idea,” Gina said blankly. “I’ve got a plane to catch in an hour, I need to get to the airport and I don’t think an hour is long enough to deal with all your problems somehow.”

“Well, then I’ll come with you,” Fenny declared.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I need to get away from, well, everything. Clear my head.”

“Isn’t this just you running away from your problems?” Gina mused.

“I want to see Paul perform,” Fenny countered.

Gina rolled her eyes. “Okay, but we are going to have some serious discussion about your promiscuity, young lady,” she scorned and reached for her bag.

Brad sat in his hired car outside Ritza’s watching the front door. He wasn’t sure why. He wanted to be able to tell her that last night had been a mistake, that he loved Fenny and they should stop associating. The problem was he’d enjoyed that almost lost familiarity of her hands on his bare flesh and soft, sweet kisses and the sex that was close to the best he’d ever had, or could at least remember. Ritza drove him wild, and he wasn’t sure why. Perhaps it was because of the danger involved in such a relationship; hell, she did shoot him, after all. Was it all just a sick, perverted fantasy screwing with his mind or did he truly have something special with Ritza?

Brad started the engine and pulled away from the curb. He couldn’t make any type of rational decision right now. He needed some serious thinking time and a big bowl of ice cream.

“How long until we have to go on?” Mick asked, mulling over a cigarette.

“We’re on at 7:30, I’ve told you five times in the last hour,” Cameron scorned.

“I thought it was fucking 7?” Paul piped up as he downed a shot of tequila.

“I could have sworn it was 8,” Mick shrugged.

The three men looked at each other confused, before Cameron got to his feet and grabbed a newspaper someone had left on a table. He returned and flicked through it until he found the small advert with the picture of Paul on it.

“See, 7:30,” he huffed and pointed at it.

“I look terrible,” Paul declared and snatched the paper to inspect his picture.

“Try telling that to your hoards of fans,” Cameron chided as he lit himself a cigarette.

“I wish I had fans,” Mick sighed.

“I’ll be your fan,” Paul giggled. “Mick, I love you Mick, kiss me you sexy hunk of manhood,” he added and tried to plant a sloppy kiss on Mick’s cheek. Mick moved away giggling and nearly fell off his chair. The three men lost it completely and it took them several minutes to calm down.

“So, what’s the time now?” Cameron asked.

“Twenty to eight,” Paul grinned.

They sniggered and then unanimously cried, “FUCK”

“These people scare me,” Fenny whispered to Gina.

“You’re not wrong,” Gina replied as one of the girls in front of them squealed about how gorgeous Paul was. The Laughing Gas Comedy Club was fairly small, with only cheap plastic seats for the audience to sit on and a narrow stage. It was your typical comedy club, really, the only difference this time being that it was full of people who licked the ground Paul walked on. Gina scanned the room again and smiled as she noticed Paul arrive. He stopped to see what was on the large screen in front of the audience and then disappeared into the off stage area.

“I’ll be back,” Gina announced to Fenny and then shuffled her way out of the audience to an array of mutterings from disgruntled groupies. She made her way past the audience to a small door that led to the off stage area and already could hear Paul, Cameron and Mick.

“Get your pants on McDermott, we’re already late.”

“Fuck off, I’m going as fast as I can.”

“Where’s my beer?”

“You drank it.”

“No, the other one.”

“I drank it.”

“Bastard.”

Gina pushed open the door and was greeted by shocked and then amused expressions from everyone who was in the tiny offstage area.

“Paul, your wife’s here,” Cameron announced and gave Paul a shove.

Paul looked over, still not having done up his pants and looked surprised. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

“Isn’t that why she married you?” Cameron piped up.

“No, I married him for his good looks and charm,” Gina chided as she sauntered over as Paul finally did his pants up. “And how drunk are you?”

Paul grinned impishly. “Well, I didn’t think you were going to be here, and that depressed me, so I drank, then the drinking depressed me, so I drank some more.”

“We started drinking in Sydney,” Mick added.

Gina smiled and shook her head. “That’s the man I married.”

“What? Piss drunk?” Cameron asked.

“I was actually,” Paul sniggered as Gina planted a kiss on him. “Ohh,” he added and broke into giggles again.

“Fen’s here too,” Gina giggled. “She’s running from Andy who’s taken to stalking her, Danny who she’s falling in love with, and Brad.”

“That girl is seriously fucked, I’ll deal with her later,” Paul breathed and grabbed a beer.

“Are you ready?” asked one of the Laughing Gas employees.

“Huh? Oh yeah, yeah,” Paul perked.

“Good luck, don’t behave,” Gina smiled, gave him another quick kiss and left the off stage area to get back to her seat.

“Was he grateful for your presence?” Fenny asked as Gina sat herself down, copping a few looks from curious fans.

“He’s shitfaced,” Gina giggled as the room was silenced by Paul’s voice. He was attempting to introduce them, but was too drunk, got tongue-tied, and simply announced, “Fuck it.”

Fenny and Gina both sniggered slightly more than the rest of the crowd as the three men appeared on stage with their drinks in their hands. The women around them started squealing, and Paul lapped it up. They went straight into an introductory song that didn’t really make sense and seemed to be a mishmash of everything and anything. Fenny doubled over when Paul started pretending to be Britney Spears, and they both totally lost it when he mentioned “tequila” and then announced that some guy was a “goat sucker.” Said guy looked slightly horrified, which pleased Paul to no end. By the end of the first song, most people had laughed themselves until it hurt.

“It’s fucking nice to be back in Adelaide, glad you could all come out tonight,” Paul announced as he drank some more beer. “Some familiar faces here,” he added scanning the crowd. “The fucking goat sucker, don’t pretend you don’t like it, mate,” he smiled, “and my good friend Fen who’s currently fucking three different men.”

Fenny’s mouth fell wide open and Gina cracked up.

“It’s true, she is. She’s a bit fucked up, aren’t ya Fen?”

“It’s lucky we’re in the city of the shallow grave, mate, I think you’re going to end up in one,” Cameron laughed.

“Nah, Fen doesn’t have the spine to kill me,” Paul smiled impishly and looked at her. Fenny shook her head and Paul went into another song.

Brad lay sprawled on Gina’s couch, channel surfing and feeling generally confused and angry. He’d spent all day trying to wrap his mind around things, and still nothing was resolved. He contemplated messing up Gina’s apartment for his own amusement and drinking himself into a stupor. Both ideas were cut short by a knock at the door. He slid off the couch and padded over to the door. He took several deep breaths, hoping it wasn’t Ritza before he opened it.

“Oh, hi. Is Gina in?” Freya asked, a bottle of wine in her arms.

“No, she’s not. She’s popped up the coast for a couple of days,” Brad lied.

“Oh, right…” Freya mumbled. “I thought we could have hung out, since Paul is away.”

“And get drunk?” Brad mused.

“Well, a couple of glasses are okay,” she shrugged.

“Well, you would have been alone anyway, Gina doesn’t drink booze,” he said sympathetically. “I, however, do. Come in,” he added.

Freya looked slightly nervous as Brad moved aside, but then decided she had nothing better to do and wandered inside.

“Anyone want to talk about anything?” Paul asked as he stopped for another beer break after several songs.

“GOAT SUCKERS,” someone yelled from the back.

“What?” Paul said, amused, and the moron repeated himself only to be looked at strangely. “You’re a dickhead, mate, shut the fuck up now,” Paul ordered and then looked over the audience again. He caught Fenny’s eye and smiled at her. “How you going Fen? Enjoying the show?”

“Highlight of my life,” Fenny replied monotonely.

“That’s not the fucking attitude,” Paul scoffed. “I think the weight of your problems is, like, fucking making you unhappy and sucking the fucking happiness from the rest of the room into your personal space there, and making everybody else fucking miserable.”

“I agree,” Gina chided and received a smile from Paul.

“So, what I think we’ll do is, we’ll stop the fucking show and just talk it through. See if we can’t help. And let’s face it, this should be pretty normal for you, being a fucking American and all,” Paul perked and took a seat on a speaker. Fenny was blushing, biting her lip and wanting to beat Paul with his microphone stand. “We’ve already established you’re fucking three men,” Paul announced to the audience who giggled.

“Two,” Gina announced

“Two,” Paul mused, “she didn’t dump the advertising wanker?”

“Yeah, he was fucking the hot Aussie guys fiancée,” Gina continued. Paul’s mouth fell open.

“Are all your friends sluts?” Cameron piped up.

“No, just Fen,” Paul giggled. “So, now we’re down to the Aussie sex god or the seppo b-grade actor. Shall we weigh their pros and cons?”

Gina was giggling away while Fenny shook her head, not wanting to respond and give him anymore fuel to tease her with.

Paul raised an eyebrow and looked at Gina. “What do you think she should fucking do?” he asked with a grin.

“I don’t know, but if you don’t quit picking on her I’ll tell them about that charming velour tracksuit of yours,” Gina sneered.

“Excuse me?” Cameron giggled.

“You’ll keep,” Paul mused, narrowing his eyes. “You’ll fucking keep.” He opened another beer as he got himself together and prepared to sing another song.

“I want to know about the tracksuit,” Cameron grinned. “Tell me,” he begged.

“Don’t you fucking tell him anything,” Paul ordered, putting an annoyed tone in his voice.

“He wears it for Tai Chi,” Fenny called out. The crowd cracked up, Cameron and Mick fell about laughing, and Paul gave Fenny the finger, but he was giggling. When things calmed down he dedicated his next song to Gina and she knew what it was before he even started singing: it was all about bondage and he ended up rooting the keyboard.

“I’m going to kill him,” Fenny cussed.

“I’ll help you,” Gina agreed.

“Hey, how do you know him?” asked a girl in front of them as she turned around.

“We were kidnapped together,” Fenny mused.

“I married him,” Gina said blankly

They girl looked at them both oddly and turned back. It was obvious she didn’t believe them.

The rest of GUD got progressively sillier, from Paul chasing a girl who wanted the toilet, Cameron’s series of increasingly crude songs, a few songs about 9/11, and a tribute to Osama Bin Laden that literally had to be seen to be believed. There was also the discovery that the guy they’d been calling a “goatsucker” all evening was in fact an American and was not amused by anything and sat stoically throughout the performance. The highlight was when Paul nearly wiped out half the audience with his microphone — this included Gina. He was swinging it around being a smart arse when it flew off through the audience. He swore loudly, looked shocked and dove into the crowd to check no one was injured.

“You should have seen it from my fucking point of view,” he giggled as they all fell about laughing again as he took to miming the incident.