“Not tired are you?” Joaquin teased as Ben leaned against a lamppost in what he probably thought was a nonchalant manner. It wasn’t. He’d just carried her three blocks to a corner that looked as good a place as any to find a cab, and both were quite out of breath, he from running and laughing, she from shrieking and giggling like a child.

“What, me?” he gasped, not able to hide the fact he was obviously winded. “Course not.”

“You know, normally when a man plays knight in shining armor to a damsel in distress, he doesn’t play the horse as well,” Joaquin mused as she waved at a passing cab that resolutely ignored her.

“Well I’m a multi-purpose knight,” Ben shrugged, pushing away from the post. “Scarer of thugs, squisher of spiders, provider of transport, the whole deal.” He raised his hand and a taxi pulled up to the curb. “See? What would you do without me?” he grinned as he opened the door for her.

“There’s no telling,” she breathed, climbed into the back seat and murmured her address to the driver. The adrenaline was dissipating and she tried not to think about what she would have done without him, and cursed herself for being stupid enough to wander unknown streets at night.

Ben slid in next to her and slammed the door closed as the taxi pulled into traffic. “Sorry the night didn’t turn out all that great.”

“No, it wasn’t that bad. Apart from the narrowly avoiding rape and murder thing, y’know.”

“Yeah. Sometimes you have to worry about the way men’s brains work.”

“Trust me, I do. Leo comes to mind.”

“His brain just doesn’t work,” Ben smirked, “it’s pretty simple.”

“You make a very good point.” They passed a few streetlights in silence. Joaquin watched the shadows move across the inside of the cab. She let out a soft chuckle and leaned her head against his shoulder.

“What?” he asked.

“Just thinking about what could have happened if you’d pulled a girl before Leo’d gone home. Leo would’ve had to save me.”

“Leo would’ve had to save himself,” Ben smirked. “Actually, he would’ve run away screaming like a girl, probably.”

“The thugs would probably want him more than me. He’s prettier than I am anyway,” Joaquin giggled.

“I’ve seen him in his underwear, and he’s really not.”

“There’s an image I didn’t want,” she cringed, swatting his arm.

“Trust me, I didn’t want it either.”

“Of course you’ve not seen me in my underwear, so you can’t really make the comparison, can you?”

“I’ve got a vivid imagination,” Ben smirked, raising an eyebrow.

She glanced up at him and smacked his arm, which he rubbed playfully until she rested her head on his shoulder again, trying in vain to hide a yawn. Ben seemed to notice as he yawned too. Joaquin smiled and glanced out the window, noticing they were nearing her apartment.

“I’m glad I let you two talk me into coming with you,” she announced after a few minutes. “The wine bar wasn’t really all that bad. Just don’t ask me to go back, alright?” she grinned.

“Fine,” he said with a heavily affected sigh.

Joaquin yawned reluctantly and leaned back in her seat. “You didn’t have to come back with me,” she mused. “You could’ve gone back to the bar to find someone to spend the night with.”

“I probably wouldn’t have found anyone better than you.”

“Aww, you’re sweet,” Joaquin smiled as the cab pulled to a stop outside her apartment building. “Inebriated, but sweet.”

“I’m not drunk,” he insisted as he opened the car door and stepped outside, holding the door for her to slip out as well. She surprised him throwing her arms around his neck in a warm hug. He froze for a moment, but promptly reciprocated the gesture.

“Thanks again for everything, my knight and trusty steed,” she said with a smile into his shoulder.

“You know, you don’t really have to go home yet,” he mused, voice soft as he rested his chin against her head.

“Hmm?”

“We could go back to my place and play damsel in distress again.” One of his hands moved confidently to her rear. “This time you can meet my steed.”

Joaquin’s eyes went wide and when he dared give her a little squeeze, she jumped away from him, scowling levelly at him.

“You’re an unbelievable idiot,” she scorned, turned on her heel and marched away.

“What?” Ben called after her, but she ignored him and disappeared inside. “What’d I do?” he asked the cab driver.

“Dunno, you looked alright to me,” he shrugged. “We going somewhere or you just gonna stand out here and pine all night?”

“I’m not pining,” Ben frowned.

The driver shrugged. “Suit yourself,” he said as Ben got in. “I know a good strip joint?”

Ben paused a moment to think. “No, probably best to just go home.”

“Pining,” the driver said under his breath.

Joaquin stormed into the darkened apartment and was decidedly annoyed that Adele was obviously in bed and she had no one to whom she could vent her frustrations about the Y chromosome. Why was it one man could misconstrue a friendly night out into “let’s have sex” while the man she’d been infatuated with for months seemed happy to “just be friends”? And to top it off, there were random men in the streets wanting to do any number of vicious things to anything with breasts.

She changed into her pajamas and flumped into bed while planning to declare war on the male race. In the morning. If she could be bothered.

&mbsp;

Aidan opened his eyes only to discover the sun had not only risen but had decided to burn holes in his retinas that morning. He immediately turned face down to bury his face in a cushion to keep out the offending light. A hangover was definitely present, but he couldn’t remember where it came from through the haze of nausea and general misery. The throbbing of his bladder, however, got him off the sofa towards a toilet in a hurry. It wasn’t until he was in the bathroom that he realized he wasn’t at home, and there was a distinct possibility he was at Jo and Adele’s.

Vague memories of the night before flitted through his mind – the unlabeled bottles, the make up brushes, Del’s boyfriend in the absurd cricket gear and, when he got round to noticing the mirror, the purple hair dye. That damned purple hair dye.

He immediately turned on the taps and wet his hair in the sink, hoping Dale had been sane enough to purchase temporary dye. The fact that the water had continued running clear indicated he probably hadn’t been. Big surprise. He stood up and glared at the mirror, only to find his hair had gone a darker, altogether less attractive shade of violet, and he was soaking his jumper.

Pulling it off and grabbing the nearest towel and scrubbing the wet patch down the back of the sweater, he noticed the terrible stench of turpentine, sweat and bourbon emanating from his jumper and quite probably his own skin. Just as he was debating between helping himself to a shower, dousing himself in air freshener and/or just jumping out the nearest window, the door behind him swept open. He turned, startled, to see Joaquin, wide-eyed and pajama-clad, jump back and let out a frightened squeal that pierced through his abused brain. The door slammed closed and he squinted his eyes against the pain.

“Completely mental,” he grumbled, before abandoning the jumper to search the cabinet for any form of medication that would deaden any of his pains.

The sound of a startled cry jolted Adele awake and she cursed into her pillow. “Five, four, three, two—”

“What in god’s name is he doing here half naked in our bathroom?!” Joaquin demanded as she stormed into the bedroom. “And why is his hair purple?”

“Bourbon and some guy named Dale,” Adele grumbled.

“Thank you,” Joaquin scorned sarcastically as she put her hands on her hips and glared at her roommate, who pulled the covers over her head in a not-so-subtle hint that she wanted to be left alone. It didn’t work. “What, that’s it?”

“Yes.”

Joaquin continued to scowl. “Fine,” she sighed after a moment. “I’m going to go to my bedroom now. Let me know when the world has regained its usual sense of absurdity, because I don’t think I can handle any more of these surprises.”

Adele heard her leave the room and scamper across the hall. “That should keep her out of my hair for a while,” she mused. After a few moments she decided it was probably best to get up and deal with the half-naked moron in her bathroom. She got up, pulled on the first things she found in her wardrobe and decided to confront whichever crazy person she met first as she headed down the hall.

“Your friend is mental,” Aidan announced as Adele wandered into the living room. “She’ll be the death of me yet.”

“This coming from the man with purple hair,” she countered, settling on the couch next to where Aidan, now fully clothed but decidedly seedy and significantly damp, was half-collapsed in the corner.

“I don’t know how that happened,” he answered stoically.

“Something involving Dale and bourbon.”

“I should know better. Last time I got involved with those two there was very nearly a piercing incident.”

“Do I want to know?”

“Well Dale went first, they botched it and his nipple started pouring blood. I passed out before they could pierce anything. That’s what the paramedics told me anyway.”

“The purple hair is starting to surprise me less and less.”

“The hair isn’t the issue here.”

“No, it’s not. I believe the issue here is that you showed up here last night completely off your face, said some unsavory things, passed out on my couch and disrobed in my bathroom which startled my flatmate.”

“She screamed at me!”

“Well what would you do if you woke up one morning and found a half-naked man in your bathroom?”

“You’re straying from the point again.”

“You’d scream like a girl.”

Aidan turned his face to the floor, scowling. “Do you have anything that’ll keep my head from exploding?” he asked.

“Now who’s straying from the point?”

“Bourbon hangovers and screaming psychotics don’t agree with me.”

“You’ll get no hangover remedies from me,” Adele scorned. “You should suffer for your idiocy.”

“I’m suffering, I’m suffering,” he grumbled. “Jesus, I’m sorry for interrupting you and Steve, next time I’ll pass out on the street and get killed by roving maniacs.”

“It’d save me having to deal with your stench in my cushions.”

“You know what?” Aidan announced gruffly as he got up from the couch. “I don’t know why I’m even here when I can go home and die in peace. Sorry for invading your space, apologize to Jo for me, and say hi to Cricket Boy.”

“Cricket Boy?” she mused as the front door slammed shut. “What’s with him and ‘Steve’ anyway?”

She briefly wondered how he’d get home and how he’d gotten to her apartment in the first place, then decided she didn’t care because he was an insensitive prick who made a very unattractive drunk and looked very silly with purple hair. If all her time with Joaquin had taught her anything, it should have been “Don’t get involved with artists, they’re all insane,” and although Aidan had started out rational enough it was becoming clear he was as much of a bastard as, well, every other man on the planet.

October jumped up onto the couch to sniff around, shook her head in distaste and leapt into the armchair where she curled up to sleep.

“Yeah, disgusting isn’t he,” Adele mused. The cat yawned. “Jo, he’s gone,” Adele called towards the hallway.

A door creaked open. “Are things normal yet?”

“Nope.”

“Not even, y’know, us-normal?” Joaquin asked hopefully.

“Not even close.”

“I’m moving to Siberia.”

“That’d help improve my normal status.”

“I hate you.”

“I know,” Adele shrugged as Joaquin’s bedroom door closed. “So was he naked?”

“What?” Joaquin asked, her head reappearing around the door.

“Aidan,” Adele queried. “When you walked in on him in the bathroom?”

“No, of course he wasn’t,” Joaquin scorned. “Why would you even think that?”

“I don’t know,” Adele shrugged. “I’m just trying to establish why you screamed like someone just told you Michelangelo was better as a turtle or something.”

“What?” Joaquin said blankly and then narrowed her eyes. “Sometimes I find it very hard to remember how we ever became friends,” she added, slamming her bedroom door. “Oh and by the way, Michelangelo is better as a turtle.”

“Right,” Adele nodded slowly to the closed door in front of her. “I’ll add ‘leaving Jo’s lust objects in the bathroom unexpectedly’ as things that make her go mental.”

By mid-afternoon, the only glimpse Adele had gotten of her friend was the flash of robe as she dashed to the bathroom and back. She decided to leave Joaquin to her neurotic fit and instead sat on the couch with October and read all the interesting bits of the newspaper. Adele was just reading the finer details of the old people who’d attacked each other with tomahawks in Queensland when there was a knock at the door. She nudged October onto the floor and padded across the room.

“Why Adele, you’re looking just lovely,” Ben chirped, grinning like a moron and eyeing off the tracksuit pants Adele was sporting.

“And you’re the biggest wanker that ever lived to crawl out of a cave,” Adele replied with a frown.

“I’m glad we can share moments like these,” Ben nodded. “So, is Jo around?”

“Well unless she flung herself from the window, she’s currently sulking in her room because she inadvertently found the object of her lust in the bathroom this morning.”

“So is that a yes?”

“It’s not a no,” Adele shrugged and went back to the couch.

“Remind me never to piss you off,” Ben remarked as he stepped into the apartment, closing the door behind him. “Jo’s room would be…”

“First on the left,” Adele replied not even looking up from the paper.

“Your help is ever so appreciated,” Ben chided and then hurried up the hall before Adele could throw things at him. He stopped outside Joaquin’s bedroom door and knocked.

“Go away, I hate you,” came Joaquin’s reply.

“But it’s Ben,” Ben called.

There was a moment of silence before the door flew open and Joaquin stormed out and marched into the living room. “Why did you let him in?”

“Excuse me?” Adele asked, looking up from her newspaper confused.

“You let that Neanderthal into our home,” Joaquin snarled. “How could you?”

“I thought…I mean after last night…wait,” Adele said completely baffled. She grabbed Joaquin’s wrist and dragged her into the kitchen. “You wanna fill me in a bit here, hon?”

“What do you mean?” Joaquin replied in a whisper. “I told you about last night.”

“No, you screamed and yelled at me about Aidan,” Adele replied in the same whispered tones.

“Oh,” Joaquin said blankly. “Long story short, Benji was being very sweet up until the moment he groped my butt and tried to proposition me.”

“Oh,” Adele mused. “He’s not that bad looking,” she added.

“DEL!” Joaquin scorned and slapped her friend’s arm. Adele giggled. “I want nothing to do with him, he’s a sleaze.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Make him leave.”

“But you’re the one offended by him.”

“But you don’t like him either.”

Adele rolled her eyes. “Fine, go back into hiding and I’ll deal with the octopus.”

“Thank you,” Joaquin breathed. “You’re so good to me.”

“Yeah, tell it to the jury,” Adele replied as they both went back into the living room. Joaquin scurried past Ben into her room and Ben just stood there looking confused.

“Am I in trouble?” he asked, looking from Adele to Joaquin’s door and back again.

“Ben,” Adele smiled sweetly as she walked toward him. “Jo wanted me to tell you to leave and never darken our doorstep again because of your sleazy and presumptuous nature last night,” she paused and smiled rather wickedly. “However, I think the miserable cow is being unreasonable and I demand you go in there and drag her out to do something more fun that inhale charcoal dust.”

“Wait,” Ben said wryly. “You want me to take her out against her will?”

“Yeah,” Adele nodded.

Ben grinned. “Seeing as you scare the bejesus out of me,” he walked back up the hall and put a hand on the doorknob of Joaquin’s room. “Sure.”

Ben disappeared into Joaquin’s room and Adele listened as there was a scream, and then Ben reappeared with Joaquin draped over his shoulder.

“Put me down, you jackass!” Joaquin wailed, her arms and legs flailing about. “Adele, help!”

“Don’t bring her back until she cheers the hell up,” Adele giggled and Joaquin glared at her.

“Will do, ma’am,” Ben chuckled, saluted Adele and strode out of the door. Joaquin’s screams and protests could be heard all the way down the stairwell.

Once they’d been gone long enough to assure her that there was no chance Joaquin was about to return, Adele changed into her jeans and did her hair, just in case anyone else cared to turn up. Then she got herself comfortable on the couch with a mug of tea and a packet of chocolate biscuits. She was just about to take a bite from her first biscuit when there was a knock at the door.

“See, it always takes to be prepared Occy,” she mused, ruffling the fur on October’s head as she headed to the door.

“Do you know how this stuff works?” Aidan asked, thrusting a box into Adele’s hands. She looked down to see that it was a box of black hair dye.

“Are you unable to read an instruction booklet?” Adele asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well no,” Aidan said pouting. “But you’re a woman, that kind of information is implanted in your brain. It’s knowledge you’re born with.”

“Wow, I’m genetically programmed to dye hair,” Adele sarced. “I feel so gifted.”

Aidan cocked his head to the side. “Will you help me or not, Del?”

“You think I should after last night?”

“Probably not, but seeing as how I can’t even remember last night…”

“How convenient,” Adele groused and headed toward the kitchen. Aidan assumed he was to follow, and closed the door as he stepped into the apartment.

“I really am sorry for anything offensive I said,” he sighed. “But you’ve gotta remember I’d had a bit to drink.”

“So that makes it all right then?” Adele asked, tearing open the box in a manner that made Aidan flinch. “Sit,” she ordered.

“I’m not condoning my behaviour…”

“Good,” Adele remarked as she disappeared and then returned with a towel, which she draped around his shoulders.

“Would it help if you told me what I said so I could apologise properly?”

“I don’t know that I want to repeat it,” Adele breathed, pulling on a pair of latex gloves that came with the hair dye. She then started to squirt the dye onto Aidan’s purple locks.

“That’s really cold!”

“You said I was frigid.”

“I what?”

“You heard,” Adele countered as she rubbed the dye all over his head. “You said there was no point in staying at the gallery because I went all frigid.”

“Oh,” Aidan said guiltily. “You are a bit though…”

Adele stood back, her hands covered in black dye and her look very much the same colour. “I’m not.”

“I don’t mean it in the way you’re thinking, Del,” Aidan said, trying to soften the blow. “You’ve been hurt by men or a man in the past, I can tell, and I get the impression you’re absolutely terrified of letting our species get close to you again, ever,” he announced. “Apart from Steve.”

“Steve?” Adele said blankly as she wrapped some cling film around Aidan’s head. “His name’s Joel, he’s a friend, and I’ve known him a long time.”

“What’s with making me into a sandwich?” he asked, bemused.

“It’s what they do in salons, keeps your head warm,” Adele replied as she snapped off the gloves. “Although technically I don’t think it does anything logical.”

Aidan nodded. “You’ve been hurt though, right?”

Adele sat herself in a chair opposite him. “Let’s just say I’ve come to the conclusion that’s it better to just rely on myself and use men purely for that four minutes of sexual gratification when I’ve run out of batteries.”

“Are you serious?” Aidan gasped and Adele nodded. “What about all the good stuff that comes with relationships?”

“You mean there’s more than heartbreak, pain and suffering?”

“So much more,” Aidan gasped and smiled warmly. “What about being touched? Kisses, hugs, holding each other after an all night, passionate love making session.”

“You’ve watched too many romantic movies…”

“What about having someone to share your best and worst times with? You can laugh and cry and sometimes just sit in silence.”

Adele looked down at the table, her fingers toying with a duck shaped pepper pot. “That stuff never lasts, it’s all just a romantic myth created by Danielle Steel.”

“So you’d rather let some fucker who hurt you make you live a life of misery, huh?” Aidan scorned and Adele looked up. She was shocked, as she didn’t think he had an aggressive bone in his body. His expression softened. “We’re not all bastards, Del.”

“Is this so horrible?” Ben asked as he piggybacked Joaquin past the elephant enclosure at the zoo.

“It smells like animal poo,” Joaquin replied bluntly. She was being piggybacked because she had refused to walk as she was being taken against her will.

“Are you going to be angry at me all day.”

“Yep.”

“I find that very childish.”

“And kidnapping me isn’t?”

“Why can’t you just enjoy your surroundings,” Ben groused as he stopped at the giraffes. “Don’t you think she’s being unreasonable?” he asked a small boy who was holding his mother’s hand tightly. “Don’t you think the zoo is a fun place?”

“Yes,” the boy nodded, and his mother looked at Ben oddly.

“See, you’re the only one not having any fun.”

“That would be because you brought me here against my will.”

“It’s called spontaneity, woman,” Ben scorned. “You should try it more often.” He leaned back and she dropped to the ground.

“And now you drop me in animal excrement!” Joaquin fumed as she pulled herself up from the floor.

“Poo!” the young boy giggled and pointed at Joaquin.

“That’s right,” Ben agreed. “She smells.”

“You are like the biggest jerk I’ve ever…”

“Bliss, there are children present.”

Joaquin fumed further, her hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed. “What are you trying to achieve?”

“I wanna touch a kangaroo,” Ben replied, his eyes lighting up.

“Ben, it’s a zoo,” Joaquin sighed. “You can’t touch the animals.”

“Course you can,” Ben enthused and headed toward the kangaroo enclosure.

“Benji!” Joaquin gasped and stormed after him. “I forbid you from touching the wildlife.”

“Excuse me,” Ben perked sidling up to a female keeper. “I was wondering, I’m here on holiday with my friend Jo, and we’d really like to pat a kangaroo. Do you think that would be possible?”

“Well we don’t really recommend patting as such,” the keeper smiled. “But I suppose you could feed one.”

“Really?” Ben gasped. “Thanks, that’d be brilliant.” He shot Joaquin a big grin and she frowned in response.

The keeper gave them both a handful of dried food and escorted them into the enclosure. “Now, just hold your hand out flat and they should come up and feed,” the keeper instructed.

Ben eagerly held out his hand near one of the kangaroos, which enthusiastically began to nibble the treats. He gently used his other hand to stroke the top of the kangaroo’s head. Joaquin took a deep breath and approached another kangaroo. She cautiously held out her hand and the kangaroo began to lap up the food.

“Pat her, Jo,” Ben encouraged.

Joaquin nervously convinced her other hand to reach out and pat the kangaroo on the head. She waited for it to rear up and kick her or gnaw off her fingers but instead it kept eating. “Oh my god,” she gasped.

“You’d better go now,” the keeper piped up.

“Thank you so much for that,” Ben said warmly and grabbed a stunned Joaquin by the hand to lead her out of the enclosure.

“Oh my god, I patted a kangaroo,” Joaquin smiled. “I actually patted a kangaroo. I’ve been in Australia a year and never even saw one and now…”

“See, wasn’t that fun?”

“It was fantastic,” Joaquin gasped. “Thank you.”

“Hey, I made you smile, and that’s the main thing,” Ben perked and glanced around. “Whaddya say we try and feed a lion now?”

“Yeah you…NO!” Joaquin wailed as Ben dragged her toward the lion enclosure. “BENJI!”