“What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do?” Drew panicked as he paced his hotel room.

Ryan was lying on the bed looking bored with the entire conversation. “Probably get concrete shoes and end up at the bottom of the harbour,” he said bluntly.

“Gee, you’re so helpful,” Drew spat.

“Hey, not my fault the Mafia got you confused with some other guy,” Ryan mused.

Drew paced the room several more times. “Come with me,” he eventually begged.

“Are you insane?” Ryan gasped.

“Absolutely! You can be my bodyguard or something,” Drew suggested.

“Ohh, just like in the movie,” Ryan perked.

“Yeah, I’d like to see you lift me,” Drew scorned.

“Hey, I can rent a bobcat,” Ryan grinned.

“Bastard,” Drew grumbled. “So will you come with me?”

“I’ll have to do some heavy drinking first, then I’ll be at your mercy,” Ryan nodded.

“Thanks buddy. All we need now are suits and something that resembles drugs,” Drew sighed.

Colin arrived at Les Fesses on Oxford Street and discovered that it was a wine bar that resembled an outfit worn by Mimi Bobeck. It was ultimately disturbing, and Colin was sure the lurid colours would never be erased from his mind.

He took a seat at the bar and ordered a drink, something called a “pink princess” with a fluffy feather in it. He sipped the almost toxic drink and scanned the room. There was no doubting it was a gay bar; it couldn’t have gotten any more camp if it had tried.

After what seemed like hours the barman approached Colin. “Darling, are you Colin?” he asked.

“Yes, yes I am,” Colin replied.

“Message for you,” the barman smiled and handed Colin a note.

Colin read it. Something had come up and he was to meet Felicia at her apartment. She’d been kind enough to leave her address and directions.

Colin finished his “pink princess” and made his way back out of the club. He felt woozy when the fresh air hit him and had to give himself several seconds to stop his head spinning. He then stepped forward and hailed a taxi.

By late afternoon, Drew and Ryan were sporting plain black suits. Ryan, to get the whole bodyguard thing right, has taken to wearing dark sunnies, so really he looked like something out of Men in Black. They’d also filled a sports bag with copious bags of flour.

They waited in the lobby until a tall woman in a smart skirt and jacket approached them. She removed her dark glasses and spoke briskly.

“Mr Crispin, I presume.”

“Maria,” Drew replied.

“Who’s he?” she asked, looking at Ryan.

“He’s with me,” Drew replied.

She looked Ryan up and down suspiciously. “Let’s go then. Gino hates being made to wait,” Maria announced.

She led Drew and Ryan outside to her car. It, too, was black.

“Put the bag in the back,” she ordered.

Ryan slid into the back seat and dumped the bag next to him, while Drew took the passenger seat.

Maria screeched out of the car park and said nothing as she drove toward the harbour.

“Nice weather,” Drew announced.

“It’ll rain tomorrow,” Maria grumbled and took a sharp turn.

“But there’s not a cloud in the sky,” Drew chirped.

“I’m not here to have inane conversations with you,” Maria spat.

Drew recoiled and focused his attention out of the window.

A short while later Maria stopped the car in a warehouse car park and ordered both Drew and Ryan to get out. She then led them to a group of men standing nearby.

“Ahhh, Maria,” cooed one man, who Drew assumed to be Gino.

“Gino,” Maria said coldly. “Crispin, hand over the stuff,” she added.

With hands shaking, Drew handed over the gear and prayed they wouldn’t check. As he stepped back next to Ryan, the unexpected happened. Maria pulled out a gun and pointed it at Gino. His heavies backed away.

“Better start praying, Gino,” she hissed.

Colin found Felicia’s apartment easily. It was in a very upper class area and Colin almost felt out of place. He nervously rang the doorbell and waited. The door flew open, and there in a dressing gown, blue eye shadow, and a hair net, was Felicia.

“Colin, darling, come in,” Felicia beamed and almost dragged Colin into her apartment. She insisted he sit on the leopard print couch, poured him a drink and curled herself up in an armchair.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” she asked.

“Oh, uh, the note you left,” Colin said quietly.

“The note? Ohhhhh…you didn’t think…” Felicia gave Colin a warm smile. “Aren’t you sweet.”

“Thank you,” Colin blushed.

“I’ll explain, shall I? We were all a bit pissed that night – it was Mardi Gras, the emotions were high. You and your friends were partying like there was no tomorrow,” Felicia laughed.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Colin mused.

“Anyway, I had the hugest fight with my boyfriend. He’s the jealous sort. He was the reason I couldn’t meet you earlier. Had a huge tanti,” Felicia grumbled.

“I thought we were talking about me,” Colin jeered.

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Well, I was sobbing my little heart out and you came and comforted me. You listened to me ramble on and everything, a total darling. You even made sure I got home,” Felicia cooed.

How drunk was I? Colin thought.

“Anything else I can help you with darling?” Felicia asked, uncurling herself.

Colin thought for a moment. “Is Felicia your real name?” he asked.

“God no, it’s Phil. I have unimaginative parents,” Felicia laughed.

Colin smiled uncomfortably and felt the need to run and never stop.

“Maria, what the hell is going on?” Gino gasped.

“Yeah, what the hell is going on?” Drew demanded.

Maria smile slyly. “I conned you, Gino, you worthless piece of shit. Actually, I conned you all.”

“What?” Drew asked disbelievingly.

“I put that phone in your pocket, fat boy. I chose you cos you looked stupid enough to go along with it. Looks like I was right,” Maria cooed.

“I’d say so,” Ryan chimed in. Drew gave him daggers.

“So I guess you told everyone I was Ritz then,” Drew spat.

“Oh yes. I thought if I shifted my identity to someone else it would give me the opportunity to get rid of Gino,” Maria smarmed, cocking her gun.

“Your identity?” Drew gasped.

“That’s right, fat boy, I’m Ritza Crispin,” Maria grinned, then whipped around and fired at Gino.

Gino slumped to the ground, and then Maria turned back to Drew and Ryan, who were both wide-eyed with shock. “Get out of here, GO!” she ordered.

Neither Drew nor Ryan were willing to argue and ran as fast and as far as they could.

“I hate to think what’ll happen when she finds out there’s only flour in the bag,” Ryan shouted at Drew.

“Oh man, we’ve gotta get out of this fucked up country,” Drew sobbed.