“There, you’d never know the difference,” Paul chirped as he scattered a handful of leaves over the makeshift grave.

“Unless you dig six feet down and uncover the slowly decomposing corpse,” Gina chided, wiping the back of her hand across her forehead.

“I never thought of that,” Fenny gasped. “What if there’d been heavy rains and then a family used this spot for a picnic? The kids might uncover Bernie there and be traumatised for life.”

“Especially if he had maggots crawling out of his eye sockets,” Paul grinned and used his fingers to mime the appalling image.

“That’s vile,” Gina cussed and thrust the shovel in his direction. “Dispose of this.”

“Oh right, I’ll just hunt out the bin for used burial tools, shall I?”

“Stick it down a rabbit hole or something,” Fenny suggested as she headed back toward the car. Paul shrugged and noticed several large holes in the area. He jogged over to one and crammed the shovel inside it, ignoring the squeaks and squeals of whatever lived inside.

“I think we should abandon the car,” Gina sighed as she and Fenny clambered over a fallen tree.

“I agree. There’s no way in hell I want to use anything that’s had a corpse inside it.”

“Yeah, the blood stains are a bit off-putting,” Gina nodded as Paul reappeared by her side. “You get rid of the shovel?”

“Of course I did, woman,” Paul nodded.

“We’re going to leave the car,” Fenny piped up.

“Right, so how do we save the others?” Paul asked, confused.

“There’s got to be a farm around here somewhere, or a town. We can get another car, we’ve still got plenty of money from Beven.”

“Great, more walking,” Paul huffed as they approached the road, the car clearly visible.

“So, do we head left or right?” Fenny asked, looking both ways.

“I think I caught sight of a farmhouse not far from the way we came, so that’d be right,” Gina replied.

“I’m rescuing Troy,” Paul declared and hurried back over to the car to retrieve the stuffed mongoose.

“I wish he wouldn’t,” Gina shuddered. “You realise he’s going to take it home and I’m forever going to be left with the memory of that damned corpse?”

“At least Paul collects dead stuffed animals and not ex-lovers,” Fenny shrugged.

“Good point,” Gina nodded as she felt something on her shoulder, she let out a squeal and then realised it’d just been Troy.

“Sorry,” Paul sniggered, making the mongoose wave a paw as Gina glared at him.

“I’m so cold,” Ritza shivered as the five found themselves at a crossroads. Darkness was beginning to set in.

“Just think, if we don’t get killed or maimed by Don, we’ll die of hypothermia,” Greg sneered.

“We need to do something to take our minds off it,” Danny declared as he wrapped his arms tighter around himself.

“Oh yeah, that’s so easy when it feel like my nipples are about to drop off,” Ritza cussed. The four men looked at her curiously. “Obviously you wouldn’t understand.”

“We have our own problems,” Brad and Greg said together and managed a snigger.

“Come on, someone cause a distraction,” Ritza pouted.

“What type of distraction would you like?” Brad asked.

“Should it involve balloon animals and clowns?” Greg added.

“Anything,” Ritza pleaded as she started bouncing on the spot.

“Can you be more specific?” Brad queried.

“Would you like a few suggestions?” Greg mused.

“Does it need to be a big distraction?”

“Could it be a small distraction with maybe some expressionist dancing?”

“Or would you prefer Beven here to do a raunchy stripping number?”

“Does the idea of Brad and Dan beating the shit out of each other titillate you?”

“Who do you think would win the fight if we did?”

“Is it wrong to say Dan?”

“Do you like the current arrangement of your face?”

“Does it bother you that both Daniel and I have gone down on your wife?”

Brad’s mouth fell open before he quickly regained his composure. “Would you be offended if I removed your testicles with my bare hands?”

“Would it bother you if I said I’ve gone down on your ex as well?” Greg sneered and looked cautiously at Ritza. Brad’s face fell deeper into annoyance and he leapt toward Greg with the purpose of throttling him. Beven and Danny pulled him back as Greg beamed even more.

“I think we should stop Questions Only now,” Beven sighed.

“We were playing Questions Only?” Ritza shrugged. “I just thought those two were being fuckwits.”

“There is that,” Danny agreed as Brad focussed his daggers on him instead.

“Let’s change games, yeah?” Beven suggested. “How about, I spy?”

“I spy with my little eye something beginning with,” Brad thought for a second, “Brannigan’s head against the nearest tree.”

Beven tightened his grip on Brad who was trying to jump forward as Danny hid behind Greg. “Or maybe we’ll just wait in silence.”

“Whose stupid idea was this?” Fenny sighed, and winced as her foot caused more mud to splatter halfway up her legs.

“The same person who seemed to think it was a good idea to walk in sub zero conditions,” Paul grumbled.

“I’m sorry, which person whinged about the remnants of the corpse?” Gina countered. “And we’re married so you have to agree with me,” she added, wrapping an arm around Paul’s waist.

“You can’t manipulate him,” Fenny chided.

“Actually, she can and I’ll let her,” Paul nodded.

“You really do think with your dick, don’t you?” Fenny sighed, narrowly avoiding another mud puddle.

“It’s made some of my best decisions,” Paul perked.

“And some of your worst. Shall we discuss that harpy waiting for you back in E-Burgh,” Gina asked, her voice becoming tense and the mere thought of Freya.

“Christ, you’re never going to let that go, are you?” Paul sighed.

“No, mostly because she turned you from the Paul I fell in love with to some tofu eating, tai chi-loving jerk that I couldn’t even imagine having sex with.”

“But you did have sex with him,” Fenny countered.

“I said I couldn’t imagine having sex with, never said a thing about the practical side,” Gina giggled as she nearly fell face first into a puddle with Paul in tow.

“Please God, let us find some civilization soon,” Fenny groaned.

“Don’t bother the lord almighty with such a pissant request,” Paul chided.

“Shut up or I’ll push you into the nearest pile of cow shit,” Fenny pouted.

“Cow shit!” Gina gasped. “Cow shit comes from cows.”

“Wow, you’re smart,” Paul announced sarcastically.

“Anymore startling observations you’d like to share?” Fenny mused.

“Idiots! Cow shit means there’s cows, which means there’s a farm!” Gina explained.

“You should be on Millionaire,” Paul teased. “Oh wait, you did make a smart observation.”

Gina rolled her eyes. “C’mon it can’t be far,” she declared and jogged up ahead. Both Paul and Fenny lost her in the ensuing darkness.

“Genie you haven’t fallen down a bog have you?” Paul called.

“No, skidded into a mud puddle though and narrowly missed a hen,” Gina called back as Paul and Fenny appeared. “Farm, see,” she announced and pointed out the silhouetted shapes of the house, barn and shed.

“It looks abandoned,” Fenny pointed out.

“All the better,” Gina perked as they walked up the muddy driveway and saw there was definitely no one home.

“Great, now how do we get transport?” Fenny sighed and leaned against the shed. There was a cracking noise and the door behind her swung open, sending her falling to the dusty floor.

“You’re a walking disaster area,” Paul laughed as Gina stepped over Fenny.

“Look, a truck,” Gina perked.

“Does it work?” Fenny asked as she got to her feet.

“No idea, I can’t see a thing,” Gina shrugged.

“Wait,” Paul piped up and disappeared into the darkness. There were a few clatters and mumbled obscenities before the room lit up. “Lucky I held onto that lighter,” he perked as held up a gas lantern.

Gina pulled one of the old truck’s squeaky doors open and pulled herself into the driver’s seat.

“Don’t suppose the key for it’d be lying around anywhere?” Fenny said to no one in particular and looked around her immediate area. The engine interrupted the silence as it roared into life.

“Yes, it works,” Gina announced. “It’s got fuel and all.”

“How’d you do that?” Fenny asked.

“She hotwired it,” Paul gasped. “My wife can hotwire a truck. Where’d you learn how to do that?”

“Everyone knows how to hot wire a car by the time they’re 14 where I’m from,” Gina shrugged.

“Does your mother know?” Paul queried.

“Can we just go?” Fenny begged.

“Should we ransack the house for blankets, dry clothes, anything? You did say they were wet,” Gina said pointedly.

“I’ll go,” Paul declared and handed the lamp to Fenny.

“Let’s work out how to get this thing out of here,” Gina declared as she slid out of the truck and dragged Fenny to what looked like the door.

“How many times have you peed now?” Greg asked as Ritza reemerged from a thicket.

“Leave me alone, I’m cold,” Ritza huffed and started jiggling on the spot again.

“I’m slightly concerned that you’ve counted her bladder movements,” Danny mused.

“Come to think of it, so am I,” Ritza chided.

“I didn’t count, but eight times seems kinda extreme,” Greg huffed.

“What on earth is that noise?” Beven asked as a muffled vibration filled the air.

“It’s your phone, dickhead,” Brad declared and smacked Danny’s arm.

“Yeah, I figured that one out fuckwit,” Danny scowled as he produced his phone and took the call. “Hello.”

“Dan, it’s Fen.”

“Hey Fen, please tell me you’re coming to save us before Brad totally loses it and all that remains of us is the bits he’s nailed to trees.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard, he’s going mad. Not helped, I might add, by Proops riling him.”

“Let me talk to him,” Fenny ordered and Danny obediently handed the phone to Brad.

“Fen,” Brad cooed down the phone. The others let out audible groans.

“What’s your problem? We’re saving you as fast as we can. Gina hotwired a truck, and if you tell us where you are, we’ll be there, so long as Don’s men don’t kill us first.”

“I hate being stuck here with Danny the dickwit and Proops. Ritza’s peeing for a nation and Beven keeps stopping from me killing everyone.”

“Since when were you all aggressive, huh?”

“Since I’ve barely seen my wife in days.”

“Aww,” Fenny cooed and then stopped herself. “Tell us where you are and we’ll be there ASAP.”

“We’re at a crossroads, the sign reads, Wooler, Doddington, Belford, Chatton…”

“Shat on?” Paul piped up amused.

“CHATTON,” Fenny hissed.

“Haugh Head, Earle, Humbleton and Akeld.”

“Well that narrows it right down.”

“It’s kinda take your pick.”

“Well look, don’t move and we’ll get there as soon as we find a map.”

“You better hurry or we’ll all have frozen to death.”

“Troy found a map!” Paul declared gleefully as he produced the mongoose with a map clutched between its paws.

“It’s still not coming home with us,” Gina scorned.

“Troy?” Brad asked.

“A stuffed mongoose,” Fenny sighed. “Stuck in a truck with those two, it’s like the Beverly Hillbillies on speed.”

“There’s a mental image,” Brad chided. “Better go, the phone is dying slowly.”

“Okay. Remember, don’t move,” Fenny ordered. “And lay off Greg and Dan.”

“But…”

“If I hear you’ve been picking fights, I won’t be happy.”

“Yes dear,” Brad sighed and ended the phone call.

“Well?” Ritza asked, bouncing even more furiously on the spot.

“They’re on their way. Providing they can find us,” Brad shrugged as he leaned against a tree.

“So what? We just wait?” Danny groaned.

“Yeah, unfortunately I haven’t mastered the art of flight yet,” Brad hissed.

“Ah uh, I’ll tell Fen,” Beven teased, Brad sneered at him. “That’s if I don’t knock you out until she gets here.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Brad huffed. Beven stepped forward and Brad took off into the thicket. Everyone laughed hysterically at him and he decided to stay there a while to avoid the humiliation that was sure to greet him.

“If we don’t find them soon I’m going to fall asleep at the wheel,” Gina yawned.

“I can take over if you want,” Fenny suggested.

“If we don’t find them in the next twenty minutes we’ll swap,” Gina agreed.

“Shat on,” Paul announced.

“Chatton,” Fenny corrected.

“Whatever, LOOK!” Paul demanded and pointed to a sign. Gina turned the truck onto the one lane road and turned the lights up.

“See them?” Paul asked.

“No,” Fenny replied.

“See them?”

“No.”

“See them?”

“No.”

“See the…JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH,” Paul squealed as Fenny belted him in the stomach with Tory.

“Shut up,” she ordered.

“Shut up,” Paul imitated and them grinned impishly at her as she shot him daggers.

“OHMYGOD!” Gina yelped as five figures appeared in front of her. She pulled the truck to as quick a stop as the brakes would allow. That still meant the five figures had to dart out of the way. Fenny leapt out of the car and straight into Brad’s still soggy arms.

“I’ll get you wet,” he declared.

“I don’t care,” Fenny breathed as she held onto him as tightly as she could.

“You look blue,” Gina mused as she helped wrap a blanket around Ritza.

“I’m totally frozen. No thanks to the four big men I’ve been stuck with,” she grumbled.

“Is that the best you could do?” Greg asked, looking at the beat up truck.

“You should be glad we found something that could transport us all,” Paul replied and thrust a blanket at him.

“How bad was Al?” Beven asked.

“Al?” Gina said blankly.

“The body you disposed of.”

“Dead,” Paul shrugged.

“He’d been shot in the head and chest,” Gina corrected, shaking her head at Paul.

“So what now?” Danny piped up as he pulled his blanket further around himself.

“We find somewhere to stay the night and for you guys to dry off, I imagine,” Paul said, looking at Gina for her approval.

“I agree. I’m ready to hit the sack,” she nodded.

“Do you think that pair will last until we get somewhere?” Danny asked, looking over at Brad and Fenny who were trading delicate kisses and longing hugs.

“Excuse me?” Greg piped up as he appeared at Brad and Fenny’s side. “Do you two want to have a quickie in the thicket, or can you hold out until we find somewhere to spend the night?”

“Are you opposed to the thicket?” Brad asked, smiling at Fenny.

“This Los Angeles girl is not having sex in a bit of foliage,” Fenny replied.

“But an airplane toilet is fine,” Gina piped up and received an amused look from Fenny. “Who’s driving, I’m whacked?”

“I will,” Brad offered and they all dispersed onto and into the truck. Fenny slid in next to Brad and refused to let go of his arm even when he had to change gears. Paul hopped back in next to Fenny and Gina found herself on his lap again. The others were forced to sit in the trailer, much to their chagrin.

It was over an hour later when Brad pulled the truck to a stop outside a bed and breakfast. Fenny was nearly asleep and let out a yawn when she realised they’d stopped. Paul was still awake but he’d lost the feeling in his legs after Gina had dozed off.

“Let’s see if we can’t organise some rooms,” Brad smiled and dropped a kiss on Fenny’s head. He then slid out of the driver’s seat; Greg, Beven, Ritza and Danny were already out of the trailer and looking even colder. A few seconds later Fenny appeared, as did Paul and Gina, who was still half-asleep. They approached the door and were greeted by a young couple who had two doubles, and two rooms each with two single beds. They took the lot, much to the couple’s joy, and all traipsed wearily upstairs to avoid an explanation of why they were beaten, bloody and wet.

Ritza chose to share with Beven, declaring that he had the fewest issues for her to deal with. She took a long hot bath and then, in a borrowed nightie and towelling her hair dry, joined Beven back in the bedroom.

“Brad tells me you have a little boy,” Beven smiled as he leant back in the antique chair he was sitting in.

“Yeah, Gus,” Ritza sighed. “I miss him like crazy.”

“You should call him,” Beven suggested.

“It’s the wrong time of day. I wasn’t supposed to be gone this long.”

“Ah, you’ll be home soon.”

“I hope so. I was getting worried there for a moment,” Ritza breathed and dropped the towel into the dresser. “Have you got any kids?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a boy as well.”

“I bet he looks up to his Dad.”

Beven gave a short laugh, “He might if he saw him.”

“Oh, his mother like that is she?”

“Oh yes. She never lets him have anything I send him, she just throws it out.”

“Bitch!” Ritza gasped. “I’d do anything for Gus’s dad to even give a damn about his son.”

“He’s not interested?”

“He stopped being interested the second I told him I was pregnant.”

“Prick.”

Ritza giggled. “Hey, I’ll bump yours off if you bump mine off.”

Beven laughed. “Yeah, that’d help. Getting 25 to life for murder.”

“That’s what my sister is doing,” Ritza sighed. “I hate my past.”

“I hate my future,” Beven agreed. They looked at each other with quiet understanding, before Ritza pulled back the covers and settled herself.

“What type of world are our kids gonna grow up in if their parents are fucking criminals, hey?”

“The same one we’re stuck in, unfortunately. The one dominated by people like Don McIver.”

“I’m not sure which part of me aches the most,” Brad sighed as he sprawled out on the bed.

“Can you handle a bit more?” Fenny smiled as she placed her hands on his thighs as she crawled onto the bed and over him.

“As long as you don’t damage any vital organs, I don’t care,” Brad breathed as Fenny brought her lips lustily to his. Her body pressed against his as he let his hands roam over it. It felt like so long since he’d touched her. One of his hands slid under her t-shirt and felt the lacy fabric of the sexy undergarments she’d not had a chance to replace.

“What have you got under there?” he asked.

“Have a look,” she purred as she sat up, still straddling him. He pulled her t-shirt over her head and was nothing short of delighted with the red underwear.

“Where on earth did you get that?” he gasped as she worked on the buttons of his shirt.

“I’ll explain later,” she breathed between dropping kisses on his cold bare flesh. She trailed the kisses to his belt and undid it quickly; his pants came off even quicker. He looked disappointed when she stood up to remove her jeans but cheered up when he saw the garters.

“You’re like a present. The more you unwrap, the better it gets,” he grinned and pulled her back into his arms for a heated kiss. “Or a Tootsie Pop, if you suck long enough…”

Fenny stopped his stupid, yet endearing comment with a kiss, her hands creeping up his back and holding him closer.

“You know, if you hold me much tighter I might burst,” Brad smiled as he dropped kisses on her neck, one hand groping at her stocking-clad thigh.

“Isn’t that the point?” she mused and rolled over so she was on top of him, her fingers moving to take handfuls of his hair. “I was so worried about you.”

“I was worried about me,” he agreed as he took a cheeky look at her cleavage.

“My face is here, you,” she chided as they fell into another kiss, His fingers finally working out how to unclip the stockings,

“Have I mentioned that I love you recently?” he asked, sliding one of the stockings from her leg.

“Yes, I think you have.”

“Have I mentioned that I love you in sexy underwear?”

She giggled. “Have I mentioned I love you out of yours?”

“Mmm, no, but feel free to demonstrate,” Brad smiled as Fenny’s fingers found the waistband of his boxers.

“Out of all the zoo animals, I had no desire to be stuck between the monkeys and the mongoose,” Greg huffed as he pulled the blankets around him.

“Well as long as I don’t have to hear Fen moan Brad’s name, I don’t care,” Danny sighed.

“I made Gina scream my name on several occasions all in Paul’s aural range,” Greg perked.

“Congratulations, and now she’ll be screaming his name in your aural range,” Danny countered.

“I’ve heard that before and all.”

“So, what’s the great plan? How are we going to get out of this and have a fairytale ending, huh?”

“There’s never a fairytale ending. It’s just a brief interlude before more shit happens,” Greg sighed. “Collectively we’re an entropic system, man. Wherever we go, chaos ensues.”

“So how’d I get dragged into it?”

“Our entropy is catching.”

Danny and Greg fell silent as there was a unilateral squeal of “Oh god yes” from one of the adjoining rooms.

“Fen and Brad,” Greg yawned. “Makes a change, them being first.”

Danny poked his head out from beneath the covers. “It stopped.” There was an earth-shattering cry of “Brad” and Danny quickly pulled his head back.

“Next time I’m demanding a room further away,” Greg grumbled. “Like another hotel.”

“This is hell. Do you have any idea what it’s like to hear the woman you love cry another man’s name in a moment of passion?”

“Why yes I do.”

Danny let out a frustrated yell from beneath the covers and Brad made a noise usually reserved for large, flatulent zoo animals. “HURRY UP AND COME, I NEED TO SLEEP,” Greg yelled, belting the wall. In return Fenny jokingly started crying Greg’s name and Danny dragged the pillow beneath the sheets to try and block out the noise more successfully.

“I don’t know why that had to come in here?” Gina sighed as she sat in the bath looking disgusted at Troy who was perched on the sink.

“He might get lonely on his own,” Paul breathed as he leaned back into her arms.

“It creeps me out,” Gina pouted. “By the way, when did we decide that you got to lean against me?”

“I had a unanimous vote with myself and we decided that your breasts are more comfortable than tiles.”

“Remind me to have words with you later,” she mused, “You do realise I only wanted a quick bath to remove the smell of death?”

He stuck one leg over the edge of the bath and grabbed the soap dish. “You’ll not move me.” She gently tickled his sides and Paul squealed and pulled away. “Okay, so maybe you will.”

Gina squeezed out from under him and out of the tub. “Please tell me Troy isn’t sharing our bed?” she remarked as she wrapped herself in a towel.

“No, that would be disturbing,” he agreed, grabbing his own towel. They didn’t bother redressing and tiptoed down the hall to their room in only their towels.

“I’ll let Troy look out the window. He doesn’t need to bear witness to any animal-like activities that may go on,” Paul declared as he placed Troy at the window as Gina ran a comb through her hair.

“Sounds like Brad and Fen are making up for lost time,” she mused.

“Why is she screaming Greg’s name, then?”

“There’s an image I didn’t need,” Gina mused as her bottom suddenly felt cold. “PAUL!” she yelped as he dumped her towel on the floor along with his own.

“What? It’s not like you were going to wear it to bed,” he chided. “Besides I think Brad and Fen need some competition,” he mused as his arms wrapped around her waist, and he dropped soft kisses on her neck and back.

Gina looked up into the mirror. “You do realise we are re-enacting a scene from Eyes Wide Shut?”

“Baby did a bad bad thing, baby did a bad bad thing,” Paul whispered.

“Mmm Chris Isaak,” Gina mused.

“You ever love someone so much you thought your little heart was gonna break in two?

I didn’t think so.

You ever tried with all your heart and soul to get you lover back to you?

I wanna hope so.

You ever pray with all your heart and soul just to watch her walk away? ”

“What disturbs me most is that this indicates you’ve actually seen that movie,” Gina smiled as Paul gave up and climbed into bed.

“I’m going to add that to my list of things that aren’t romantic,” he sighed as she climbed into bed after him.

“It’s not that it’s not romantic. I just prefer Chris Isaak singing it,” she shrugged.

“Bully for Chris Issak,” Paul huffed. “Wild thing, you make my heart sing, you make everything groovy,” he sang quietly.

“More,” she ordered.

“Wild thing, I think I love you but I wanna know for sure,” Paul purred as Gina straddled him. “Come on hold me tight, I love you.”

“Oh yes,” Gina gasped as she smothered him with a passionate kiss.

“Great, now monkey boy is singing,” Greg groaned and shoved his head between his pillows.

“What did we do in our previous lives?” Danny whined.

“Obviously we fucked over the wrong people,” Greg sighed.

“Maybe we should go to confession or something?”

“That’s not a bad idea. Perhaps if we repent our sins, the almighty lord might prevent us from having to endure the orgasmic and slightly scary sexual practices of friends and ex-lovers.”

“Is there a bible in the room?”

Beven pulled himself up from his chair and grabbed Ritza’s gun from where she’d left it on the bedside cabinet. He quietly crossed the room and slid out the door. He made his way through the dark and eventually found his way outside. It had started to rain and he found the driver’s side of the truck still damp from where Brad had sat. Beven looked miserably at the bed and breakfast and then started the engine. It was time to go.