“So, are you two going to explain why you’re here?” Gina asked, finding herself abandoned in the living room with Greg and Jenna. “It’s nice to meet you, by the way,” she added politely as she passed Jenna a mug of coffee.

“There’s plenty of time for us to unload our vast and soul crushing problems on you,” Greg declared a little too bitterly as he glanced around the room. “Oh my god, he’s still got the fucking mongoose.”

“Yeah, he’s been re-stuffed and everything,” Gina mused, sitting herself in an armchair.

“Right,” Greg nodded. “What’s with the gnome?”

“That’s Archie.”

“Archie? You have a garden gnome called Archie in your living room?”

“At least he was invited,” Gina countered. Jenna looked uncomfortable for a moment and sipped her coffee.

“Um, I couldn’t have a bath or something could I? I mean that 16-hour flight has just wrecked havoc with my skin,” she piped up. “I can just feel it drying out as we speak.”

“Uh sure,” Gina perked biting her lip. “It’s just down the hall, the towels are clean.”

“Thanks,” Jenna smiled, grabbed two bags and left the room as quickly as she could.

“She’s a little neurotic,” Greg mused. “Tried to get the flight attendants to give her a pile of those little containers of milk so she could fill the sink in the bathroom and cleanse herself.”

“Greg,” Gina said sharply.

“Did I mention what a gorgeous place you and the mongoose man have got going here? I mean when I first heard you had a house and all I was sceptical. Mind you I would have thought he’d have run off with some two-bit hooker by now, leaving you living with seven kids and a cat with an attitude in a trailer park. But you know, you’ve come through it, Pumpkin, and I for one am so happy for you…”

“GREG!” Gina spat.

“Yes, Pumpkin,” Greg said innocently.

“Why are you here?” Gina asked sternly.

He opened his mouth but found he couldn’t find the words to tell her what was happening back in the States and why his life had predominantly turned to shit. “Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled, sounding like a guilty teen.

“Don’t bullshit me, Speccy,” she said, her voice softer as she moved to sit next to him on the couch. “I thought you worked everything out with Jen?”

“So did I,” he sighed miserably. He felt her hand slide on top of his and found himself nervously looking up and into her eyes. Dammit, she still blew him away, and had the house not been full of people, she not loved her husband dearly, and his breath not been rank from the flight, he just might have kissed her.

“Well?” she asked, suddenly worried by the look in Greg’s eyes.

“She’s fucking Stuart the Hippy,” he declared shakily. “Jen’s sleeping with our marriage councillor.”

“Oh my god,” she gasped. “Did you catch them at it?”

“No!”

“Did she tell you?”

“No.”

“Did he tell you?”

“Well, sort of, not directly,” he shrugged.

“So, what did he say?” she pressed.

“It was more what he didn’t say,” he groused. “He kept pushing the fact that she could seek revenge by sleeping with another man. So I asked him if she was sleeping with someone else and he said I’d have to ask her.”

“And did you?”

“No, but then I just put two and two together, yelled at him and stormed out,” he winced.

“So, technically you don’t know that she was sleeping with Stuart?”

“It was obvious!”

“Really? Because I don’t think it is? You don’t have any proof other than some heated, egotistical, testosterone-driven assumption,” she countered, releasing his hand. “I mean you’re accusing her of something she mightn’t even be doing, Greg. Even if she is, which I doubt, it mightn’t be Stuart she’s having an affair with, but another man, and it mightn’t even be a man, it might be a woman, and in any case, aren’t you just being a tad hypocritical?”

“Whose side are you on?” he groused.

“Hers!” Gina scorned. “Does she even know you’re here?” Greg looked at her bashfully. “Oh god, why are men so stupid?” she groused, getting to her feet.

“What’s he done?” Fenny asked, sauntering into the room calmer, more awake, and dressed.

“Just helped to prove that all men are complete morons,” Gina exclaimed as she stood glaring at Greg with her hands on her hips.

“How much of a moron?” Fenny asked, standing next to Gina.

“He thinks Jen is sleeping with their marriage councillor,” Gina sighed.

“Not Stuart the Hippy?” Fenny gasped. Greg nodded. “Did he catch them at it?”

“No, he has absolutely no proof other than the fact Stuart made a suggestion that Jen might seek revenge in the same way as which he hurt her,” Gina said bluntly.

“So, you don’t actually know she’s cheating on you?” Fenny asked.

“Not specifically,” Greg sighed. “I at least thought you guys would have been more supportive…” Fenny and Gina looked at each other, bewildered.

“Well, just like you hon, we’d be hypocrites if we did,” Gina countered.

“She’s right, you should know better, Proops,” Fenny teased as she headed into the kitchen.

Greg looked up at Gina who was now crossing her arms and glaring at him. “And to think I was going to tell you you looked beautiful.”

“Ah well, I have a husband for that,” Gina groused and strode out of the room. Greg let out a heavy sigh and fell back onto the couch in a childish sulk.

Paul paced his dressing room trying to work out what emotion he was feeling the most. Nervousness? Maybe just a little, since there was the potential to stuff up completely in front of the whole of Australia. Anger? No, that didn’t sum up how he felt about Greg and Jenna’s appearance. Annoyance, now that summed it up. He was starting to get sick of people just turning up on his doorstep pleading insanity. For Christ’s sake, they’re Americans, there should be enough therapists to deal with them all instead of ruining the precious time he was trying to spend with his wife. Paul was about to flip through a few more emotions when there was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” he sighed and Mieke appeared in a glittery gold outfit. The tall women was also cruelly sporting heels, which meant Paul would look like a total midget next to her. In fact, he’d be lucky to reach her shoulder.

“Are you ready?” Mieke asked, quickly checking herself one last time. “The audience is nearly settled, but they want you to go in and warm them up.”

“Gee, what topics should I cover,” Paul mused.

“Go for your life, there’s only like one media person here,” she shrugged.

“Probably because Packer paid them all to stay away,” Paul groused. “Know where she’s from?”

“What makes you think it’s a woman?”

“Well they’re not going to get a decent article about sex out of a bloke, are they?”

“Good point. She’s from New Weekly.”

“Gotta love women’s magazines, they’re like intellectual enemas,” he groused and headed for the door.

“Good luck,” she smiled.

“This from a woman who’s going to make me look 4 foot tall!” Paul grinned and listened to Mieke giggling as she headed for the studio.

Brad was looking at a scantily clad Sandra Bullock. She was sporting nothing but a black thong, and for some reason a superman cape as she advanced toward him. Then something else caught his attention: a familiar smell wafted around the room. He couldn’t pinpoint it for a few seconds and then it hit — coffee. Sandra became a blur and Brad wearily opened his eyes.

“Coffee,” he mumbled.

“Freshly brewed,” Fenny mused, creeping onto the bed beside him. Brad rubbed his eyes and propped himself up enough to take the steaming mug of liquid from her. “How’re you feeling?”

“Not as hungover as I thought,” Brad mused. “I think I’m finally starting to grow a tolerance to the amount of alcohol in Australian beer.”

“My, what an achievement,” Fenny teased. “Are you still angry at us for teasing you?”

“Well, I’m not angry at you,” he smiled. “How can I stay angry at you?”

“You’ve had your moments,” she cooed and brushed her lips against his. “Does this mean you’re still pissed at the other two?”

“Of course,” he laughed and quickly caught her in another kiss. “I had this obscure dream that Greg was here, how wrong is that?”

“It’s not wrong,” she mused. “He is here, and so is Jenna.”

“What!” Brad gasped ah he choked on a mouthful of coffee. “Tell me you’re not serious?”

“Have you ever known me to lie?”

“Man,” he groaned into the doona. “Why are they here? Jenna’s nipples didn’t explode and take out of Proops’s eyes, did they?”

“Not that I know of,” she mused. “I’ll let Greg explain his problems to you. As for Jenna, god only knows,” she added, curling up next to Brad on the bed.

“How’s Gina taking yet another invasion into her barely established home?” he sighed, resting his mug on the bedside table and then wrapping his arms around Fenny.

“I think she’d be happier if Greg wasn’t looking at her like a battered puppy dog,” she chided. “And Paul was venomous.”

“I feel a bit guilty about just turning up now,” he breathed. “I feel like we’ve just invaded something special in their life and they’re trying very hard to be polite hosts.”

“I somehow think that rationale is gonna go out of the window,” she said in a hushed voice. “Well the polite hosts bit.”

“Yeah,” he winced. “Maybe we should go out somewhere today, keep out of their hair.”

“Like that’s going to work,” she teased. “You’ll just grumble because you’re hungover, and besides I’ve already got my day planned.”

“Without me?” Brad pouted.

“I expected you to be asleep all day,” she laughed. “Perhaps you can keep Greg occupied.”

“Gee thanks,” Brad groused but gave in when Fenny leaned forward and kissed him deeply, her fingers trailing over his bare chest. “You’re so lucky I love you,” he sighed, making Fenny smile.

Gina was washing the breakfast dishes and preoccupied with her own thoughts when Jenna flounced into the room in the tiniest pair of shorts imaginable and what was either a rather small top or her bra.

“Don’t suppose you have a hair dryer?” she asked abruptly. Gina let out a squeal and nearly dropped a bowl.

“Jesus, don’t sneak up on me,” Gina gasped, quickly sticking the bowl back in the rack.

“Sorry,” Jenna shrugged. “So do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Have a hair dryer?”

“Oh yeah, it’s on the dresser in my room.”

“Really?” Jenna mused.

“Yeah, why do you make it so weird?”

Jenna flittered for a moment. “I just, it doesn’t look like you use one,” she shrugged and waltzed out of the room. Gina stood open mouthed a moment before Fenny appeared.

“Don’t think too hard,” she mused as she grabbed her backpack from where it had been dumped near the fridge.

“I think Jenna just insulted me,” Gina gasped.

“Wouldn’t surprise me, she is seriously after your husband,” Fenny chided.

“Oh, don’t say that, I have enough problems with Freya,” Gina groused. “And where are you off too?”

“Out,” Fenny replied bluntly.

“What about Brad?” Gina asked.

“He’s going to keep Greg occupied,” Fenny shrugged. “Can I borrow your car?”

“I want it back by four,” Gina sighed, throwing her the keys.

“Of course,” Fenny smiled wickedly before leaving the kitchen.

“There you are, little fella,” Mikey perked as he finally caught up with Paul during a break.

“Mikey,” Paul perked, stuffing the rest of the croissant he was working on into his mouth and then hugged his friend. “How am I doing?”

“Mieke makes you look tiny,” Mikey chided.

“Yeah, thanks, mate,” Paul groused. “No really, how am I doing?”

“Mate, do you really have to ask?”

“I haven’t done anything too foolish?”

“No, even the ejaculation thing was hysterical.”

“I’m just glad you’re here so I have someone to bounce things off of and make this slightly less tedious than it is.”

“Did you say ‘bounce’ because I’m fat?”

Paul sniggered. “No, but you know, I wish I had.”

“Prick,” Mikey laughed. “Come with me?” he added.

“Oh, not going to try and seduce me, are you?” Paul giggled as they escaped into a quiet corridor. Mikey reached into his jacket and pulled out a hip flask.

“Drinkies?” Mikey grinned.

“Oh mate, I love you,” Paul gasped, taking the hip flask and drinking some of the liqueur it contained. He passed it back to Mikey who sipped its contents and then hid the flask back in his jacket.

“You ready to get back out there, darling?” he asked.

“I couldn’t be more excited if I tried,” Paul chided as they headed back toward the studio sniggering and receiving strange looks from the production staff.

“147, 148, 149, one hundred and…” Danny was about to beat his all time push up record when there was a knock at the door. “150,” he added quickly and jumped to his feet. He opened the door and smiled when he saw Fenny standing there.

“Hi,” she smiled, noticing that he was in nothing but a pair of shorts and a layer of sweat.

“Hi,” he nodded. “Sorry, I’ve been doing push ups,” he added and moved aside to let her in.

“Really? I thought you’d been going ten rounds with a busty brunette named Brandy,” Fenny chided, dropping her bag into a chair and turning to look at him.

“There’s only one woman in my life,” he breathed, running his fingers through his hair. “And her name’s not Brandy.”

“No, you look like a Brandy man to me,” Fenny countered as Danny pulled her into his arms. She let one hand fall onto his rear while the other rested on his chest.

“Yes, you’re right. I harbour a desire to make love like an animal to someone who was named after the label on the liquor bottle her parents drank from before she was conceived,” he jeered.

“Idiot,” she giggled standing on her toes to kiss him. They shared a slow, longing kiss for a few moments before he pulled away.

“I’m gonna have a shower before your clothes are infused with testosterone,” he declared.

“I can take them off,” she mused.

“You could,” he cooed, kissing her again. “But I have plans for us today.”

“Plans, huh?” she said curiously. “What type of plans?”

“You’ll have to wait and see,” Danny teased as he let go of her to head for the bathroom. “So, make yourself at home and I won’t be long.”

Fenny couldn’t wipe the smile off her face as he disappeared into the bathroom. She got herself comfortable on the couch and switched on the television as she wondered what on earth Danny had in store for them both.

By the time Brad finally convinced himself to get out of bed, he found the house uneasily quiet. He’d heard Gina go into her room earlier, but had no idea where the other two were. He found Jenna sunning herself out the back when he looked out the bathroom window while he relieved himself, and then eventually found Greg dozing on the couch.

“Hey buddy,” Brad perked.

“Hey,” Greg yawned, sitting up.

“How you doing?” Brad asked, getting comfortable in an armchair.

“Oh you know, I made the assumption my wife has been fucking around with our therapist without actually asking her. So, now I’m on the other side of the planet and I haven’t even told her. Not to mention the woman I adore seems to hate me for reasons I don’t know. And to top it off, I’ve run out of cigarettes.”

“There’s a store two blocks away,” Brad suggested.

Greg raised an eyebrow at him. “Thank you for the kind words and advice.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Gee, I don’t know? How about, ‘everything will be all right, Greg,’ ‘things’ll turn out just fine Greg’…”

“That sounds like the lead up to a song in a musical,” Brad mused.

“Fuck you, Sherwood,” Greg grumbled, falling back onto the couch.

“Well, I tried to help with the cigarettes. Only you can deal with Jen, and as for Gina, she’s in her room, go talk to her if you’re that worried,” Brad huffed, getting to his feet. “Jeez Greg, show some initiative.”

“Show some initiative,” Greg mocked and received a bemused look from Brad. “I’m going,” he added, getting to his feet and heading down the hall. He knocked tentatively and tried to stop his mouth going dry.

“What?” Gina called.

“It’s me, can I come in?” Greg called back.

There was a brief pause. “Sure.”

Greg opened the door and looked gingerly at Gina who was sitting on the mattress bed with her legs crossed. She discarded the book that was in her hands and looked at him blankly.

“Are you angry at me?” he asked. She cocked her head to the side and patted the bed beside her. Greg hesitated a moment and then sat down.

“It’s not that I’m angry with you,” she sighed. “I love having you all here, it’s hysterical but…”

“I hate buts,” he winced.

“Now Greg, you know that’s not true,” she mused and then fell serious. “Paul and I have been having some problems, namely Freya, and it’s very hard to deal with everything with a house full of fucked up Americans.”

“You’re right, we intruded, and I’m really sorry,” he sighed. “I just wasn’t thinking, and as usual you’ve pointed out what a jerk I am.”

“You’re not a jerk,” she breathed, gently squeezing his shoulder. “Just a bit messed up.”

“You’re too nice to me,” Greg whispered and lay down, resting his head in her lap. Gina gently stoked his hair. She knew he was feeling despondent and couldn’t help herself but comfort him.

“It’ll sort itself out, hon,” she soothed.

“Like the whole Freya thing?” he asked.

“No, I may have to bump her and her ‘sunny morning’ dress off.”

“Sunny morning dress?”

“It’s a long story that goes along with her many attempts to totally destroy my life.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Greg declared. “That’s what friends are for, right? Sharing problems?”

Gina laughed. “I’ve missed you Speccy.”

“Not as much as I’ve missed you,” Greg breathed and kissed her knee, making her laugh more.

Jenna rubbed some more sun tan lotion into her skin as she leaned back in the banana chair. She was interrupted by some loud squawking and hissing and lifted her sunglasses to see Lewis doing his best to throttle a native parrot.

“CUT THAT OUT!” Jenna yelled, getting to her feet and marching down the garden to investigate.

Vicki, who had been hanging out some washing, crept over to the fence to see what was going on and who belonged to the voice she didn’t recognise. She was greeted by the sight of some pert buttocks poking out of the tiny denim shorts of a blonde woman she’d never seen. Vicki raced inside to call her husband about her fear her neighbours were running a brothel.

“Are we there yet?” Fenny jeered as Danny parked his car outside an older looking building in a quiet part of the city.

“Just about,” he perked as they got out of the car. He slid his arm around Fenny’s shoulder and she wrapped hers around his back.

“This is all very mysterious,” she continued as they walked into the building. The first thing they were greeted with was a large black and white photo of that very street. “Wow!”

“It’s a photography exhibition by a friend of mine,” Danny announced. “I know it’s not really your thing, but I figured you might be able to explain to me why they’re interesting,” he added as they stepped into the main room of the gallery.

“They’re fantastic,” she declared, breaking away from him. “Usually I don’t take much notice, but your friend actually has skill. The lighting is perfect and the images are just amazing.”

“What about the subject matter?”

“Some are fairly common, but I love the one of the little girl,” Fenny perked, studying the photograph. “So does you friend do this for a living?”

“No, more a hobby,” he replied.

“He doesn’t have a desire to pursue it as a career? I mean these are some of the best I’ve even seen, and I dated a photographer in collage.”

“You serious?” he asked, his voice going from its usual calm to almost disbelief.

“Yeah, your friend has some serious talent,” she nodded. “I’d love to meet him? Is he here?”

He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and studied her for a moment. “How would you feel if I said you’ve already met him?”

“Confused,” she replied. “He wasn’t the guy that took our wedding photos, was he?”

“I hardly think so,” Danny said curtly and wandered to the other side of the small room. Fenny followed him at they both stood looking at a photo of a kitten toying with a dead mouse.

“That cat is so sweet, the mouse is a bit disgusting but…” Her voice trailed off as something dawned on her. “That cat looks a lot like Lewis.”

“It IS Lewis,” he mused.

“Wait, you took these?” she gasped. Danny nodded. “But, I’ve never even seen a camera in your possession?”

“That’s because I had to sell my gear,” Danny shrugged. “I thought if I could hold an exhibition I might raise the money to buy some more.”

“Why’d you sell it?”

“Because I needed money,” he sighed. “After leaving my work in advertising, going to London, losing my job there and getting back here, I’m not exactly rolling in it.”

“Does Gina know?” she asked.

“About what? The photography or the money?”

“Both.”

“She doesn’t know about the money. Paul does and has kindly not taken rent from me. Gina knows about the photography though, well obviously,” Danny half smiled, motioning to the photo of Lewis.

“She’s never said anything,” Fenny said bewildered as she tried to take everything in.

“Ah, she knew I was pretty cut up about selling my gear. Besides, I’m sure she’s never told you about the novel she’s been writing over the last couple of years.”

“Well no,” Fenny pouted. “Gina writes?”

“We’re not just media hacks, you know,” Danny chided as a man who looked a little like Danny appeared in the room.

“Trying to impress another one, are ya?” the man jeered as he wandered over.

“Get fucked,” Danny laughed. “Fen, this is my little brother Aaron who looks after my collection because he’s too lazy to get a real job. Aaron, this is the lovely Fenella.”

“Hi,” Aaron smiled as they shook hands. “I hope Daniel isn’t boring you with his bragging.”

“Actually, he’s being charmingly modest,” Fenny mused, her hand searching out his. “Besides his work really is amazing.”

“You’ve got her well trained,” Aaron teased, nudging his brother.

“I’ll have you doubled over clutching your knackers if you don’t get back to the door,” Danny chided. Aaron jokingly gave him the finger, waved to Fenny and sauntered back out of the room.

“Aussie men are just weird,” Fenny mused.

“That’s why you love us,” Danny grinned, wrapping Fenny up in a tight hug.

The second another break was called, Paul and Mikey hurried back into their secluded corridor for another swig of alcohol.

“You two should be ashamed!”

Paul and Mikey both jumped a mile and were surprised to see Gina standing there, arms crossed.

“Never startle an overweight man,” Mikey declared.

“Genie, what are you doing here?” Paul gasped.

“I took the night off, George’ll manage fine on his own,” she replied, making her way over to Paul. They wrapped each other up in a hug. “Besides, it’s bad enough our house is full of fucked up Americans, I honestly don’t think I could handle Freya and her ‘cloud increasing’ jacket as well.”

“What was Greg’s excuse for bringing chicken woman anyway?” Paul groused as Gina pulled back to look at him.

“Greg thinks his wife is screwing the therapist,” she sighed. “And Fen made some comment about Jenna desperately wanting you. Which is really all I need.”

“Jeez McDermott, you attract women like flies to shit,” Mikey teased.

“Yeah, thanks mate,” Paul grumbled and glared at Mikey until he left.

“There’s also the fact that Fen has once again gone out with Dan. She returned my car only to get back into his!”

“It’s all going to end in tears, and we’re going to be stuck with it,” Paul groaned.

“Maybe we should emigrate to New Zealand,” Gina shrugged.

“We can raise sheep,” he chided. “And mud.”

“That’s mean,” She giggled and hugged him again. “How’s your sex test going?”

“Slowly,” he groused. “So far the highlight has been my attempts to grope the Penthouse pets.”

“My, that must be a thrill.”

“Not as much as you,” he cooed and they went to kiss as one of the production staff appeared.

“Paul, you’re on in 30 seconds,” she declared.

“Coming,” he announced and laughed before quickly brushing his lips against Gina’s. “Excuse me while I go embarrass members of the audience with a game involving large pieces of genitalia.”

“Makes a change,” Gina giggled. Paul looked at her, smiled and shook his head.

“Smutty, smutty girl…” he mumbled as he descended down the corridor.