“Who’s ringing?” Ritza asked as the group walked back toward the hotel.

“Oh, it’s me,” Fenny mused and pulled her phone from her bag. “Hello?”

“Fenny, it’s me your mom,” was the reply.

“Yeah, I know it comes up on the…why are you calling me?”

“Isn’t a mother allowed to call her daughter?”

“Of course you are. It’s just you rarely do? Is something wrong?”

“It’s your father.”

“Dear God, what’s daddy done now?”

“He bought a new camera. Some fancy thing with a 10X optical zoom lens, effective sensor resolution, image stabilisation and I even believe it’s waterproof.”

“So, he’s bought another new toy he wants to show off?”

“Well no, he thought he’d try and get a few nice pictures to show your grandma and as he was stepping back he misjudged the amount of room he had and fell down the porch stairs.”

“Is he okay?”

“He broke his arm and sprained his ankle.”

“But he’s okay?”

“Your father has never been okay.”

“Well relatively speaking, he’s okay right?”

“I don’t know, they were doing some other scans, they were concerned he might have hit his head.”

“Like it would matter,” Fenny mumbled. “Do you want me to come down?”

“Oh no, don’t be ridiculous. No, you have your life with Brad and his, er, child. Besides, your brother and sister are here.”

“Oh yeah, like Addie and Sully are even vaguely useful,” Fenny sighed. “I’ll catch the next flight out and be there by the evening, okay?”

“You don’t have to…”

“I’m coming, you can’t cope with Dad when he’s incapacitated.”

“Actually they slipped him a Valium and he’s quite tolerable.”

“MOM!”

“You won’t ever mention I said that, will you?”

Fenny closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’ll see you soon, tell Daddy I’m coming.” She ended the call and let out a frustrated scream.

“Problems?” Brad asked as Lilly who was perched on his shoulders covered his eyes with her hands.

“I’m catching the next flight back to LA. My dad’s managed to injure himself in a particularly stupid way and somebody has to help my mother before she starts stealing his Valium.”

“Gee Fen, I love your family,” Greg teased.

“But we were going to be the best husband and wife performing act since…” Brad paused. “Next flight, you say?”

Gina stepped into her new house and was greeted by the overwhelming stench of paint. It wasn’t surprising, but still quite pungent, and she hurried into the kitchen to open the window and breathed in the fresh air. She’d woken snuggled into Paul and been angry with herself for giving in so easily the night before. The only upside was that he hadn’t woken as she’d slid out of bed and left. Gina wandered back into the hall and then noticed something strange in the living room. She wandered over to the door and nearly died — the walls were covered with words.

“What on earth has he done?” Gina gasped and stepped into the room. Troy and Archie were in the centre of the room, an empty whisky bottle between them. She then glanced around the room and started reading. The words turned out to be a written apology from Paul that seemed to go from the coherent “I’m sorry please forgive me,” to “It’s not the children’s fault, Troy and Archie had nothing to do with it.” And the totally incoherent, drunken babble of “I love you like ducks love water and fish love hooks and worms and stuff.” There were also several skeletal cherubs amongst the ramble. Gina sunk onto the floor and grabbed Troy who she wrapped in a hug. Paul might be a complete and utter moron with a serious infidelity problem, but she loved him and his different approach to apologies.

Paul hadn’t been surprised to wake up alone. He hadn’t been able to stomach breakfast, and had decided to risk going to his apartment and attempt to pack some of his stuff up. So far he’d put a couple of CD’s into a box and then uncovered a coaster with the words, “Is it supposed to be green?” on it and spent an hour trying to work out what it meant and why he’d kept it. His concentration on the coaster was broken when his phone rang; he grabbed it from the couch.

“Yeah?”

“You love me like fish love hooks and worms and stuff huh?”

“I was a bit inebriated.”

“A bit? You started quoting Cliff Richard songs.”

“Am I in trouble?”

“No, but Troy is grounded.”

“He’ll never forgive me, you know.”

“Make two of us then.”

“Right.”

“Where are you, anyway?”

“My place. Thought I’d start packing some stuff. Do you have any idea why I have coaster with ‘Is it supposed to be green?’ on it?”

“No, and I don’t want to.”

“Fair enough. What are you doing?”

“Trying to work out where to start with the house.”

“What did you decide.”

“That it’d be more fun to come and give you hell.”

“Gee, thanks honey.”

“Actually, I was thinking of finishing the bedroom.”

“Will I see you later then?”

“Guess you’ll have to wait and see.”

“Prick teaser.”

“Adulterer.”

“That’s harsh.”

“I’m a hard woman.”

“I’m a hard…”

“Later Paul.”

“Damn,” he mused and chucked his phone back on the couch.

“I still can’t believe you’re abandoning me,” Brad declared as Fenny checked the departure time again.

“No, you can’t believe I’m not taking Lilly with me,” Fenny scorned.

“I could have gone gambling…” Brad pouted and Lilly appeared from behind him, tears streaming down her face.

“Your child is leaking,” Fenny announced, and Brad looked down at Lilly.

“Oh hey, what’s wrong sweetie,” he cooed, pulling her into his arms.

“Don’t want Fenny to go,” she sniffled.

“Fenny’s only gonna be gone a day or two. She’s gonna see her Mommy and Daddy,” Brad soothed.

Lilly pulled away and held her little arms out to Fenny who was trying not to show she was secretly pleased the child was devastated by her departure. She took Lilly in her arms and the child hugged her tightly.

“I wont be gone long,” Fenny mused and dropped a kiss on Lilly’s forehead.

“Don’t wanna stay with Daddy, he’s an ass.”

“Hey!” Brad gasped.

“See, I told you last night would affect her,” Fenny breathed as she brushed Lilly’s tears away. “Now, you be a good girl for your Daddy and I’ll bring you back something nice. What would you like?”

Lilly sniffed a bit but seemed to cheer up at the offer of a present. “Paint!”

“Ah, I think I can manage that,” Fenny smiled and gave Lilly another kiss before handing her back to Brad and giving him a kiss as well.

“Call me when you get there,” Brad demanded as Fenny headed toward the departure door.

“Look after her, don’t gamble, stay away from the booze, and have a great show,” Fenny called back and then disappeared through the doors.

“I’m getting paint,” Lilly declared happily.

“And an afternoon nap,” Brad enthused.

“That’s no fun,” Lilly pouted.

“We’ll make it fun,”

“Ass.”

“HEY!”

Paul sauntered down the hall to his apartment after hurrying a block and a half away to Mikey’s to borrow some packing tape. He stopped to unlock his door when a familiar voice piped up.

“Hi neighbour,” Freya smiled.

“Actually, you’ll find I’m moving out,” Paul scorned as the lock clicked.

“Moving, where are you moving to?” Freya asked, shocked, and followed him into the apartment, much to his annoyance.

“It’s got nothing to do with you,” Paul spat and marched into the bedroom with Freya at his heels. “Why the fuck are you in my apartment, anyway?”

“How am I supposed to rescue you from that awful woman if you move away?”

“Rescue me? I don’t need rescued, you stupid bitch,” Paul snapped. “I love her.”

Gina arrived at Paul’s apartment after giving up on trying to decide what to do. She wasn’t too surprised to find the door unlocked and stepped into the living room. She heard voices resonating from the bedroom and hid in the bathroom, surprised to hear Paul’s raised voice and Freya’s whining.

“If you love her why’d you let me stay with you when you knew what was going to happen?” Freya hissed.

“I didn’t know that was going to happen, and the only reason it did was because I was too drunk and stupid to stop it.”

“You said you loved me.”

“I’ve never said I loved you, Freya, because I never have. I’ve always loved Gina, don’t you get it?”

“But, but we were together, we had plans.”

“No, you had plans, I just wanted to get laid.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying this,” Freya wailed.

Paul looked at her sharply. “Remember when you asked me if I loved her and I said I did? Was that not clear enough for you?”

“But we…”

“Hey, Bill Clinton got away with saying it’s not really sex.”

“But I…” Before Freya could get another word out Paul had slapped some packing tape over her mouth.

“Listen to me. I’ll say it again, okay. I love Gina, I’ve always loved Gina, I can’t live without her. For fuck’s sake, I married her twice. You have caused enough problems in my life, and I’ve had enough of it, right? If I lose my wife I will hold you solely responsible because you’re the one that keeps fucking things up between us. I want you to know, Freya — and this comes from the bottom of my heart — I hate you. I despise your whole fucking existence, and if you ever come near me again I will get a restraining order. Now get the fuck out of my apartment, keep the hell out my life, and by Jesus you better keep away.”

Freya looked like a startled bunny and then hurried from the bedroom and out of the apartment. Paul let out a frustrated yell and fell onto the bed.

Gina had slid to the bathroom floor as she’d listened to Paul. If she’d been angry with him she honestly couldn’t remember. She managed to pull herself to her feet and padded across the hall to his room. He was sitting on the bed trying to go through a pile of stuff he’d tipped out of a drawer in his frustration.

“Hey,” Gina breathed and sat next to him on the bed.

“Hey,” Paul sighed and picked up a plastic Happy Meal toy that he couldn’t remember getting. “What are you doing here?” he added quickly.

“I was going to give you hell, remember?”

Paul’s dropped the cigarette lighter he was playing with and looked at Gina. “Oh, please tell me you didn’t see Freya just leave?”

“Actually, I heard most of the argument.”

“I didn’t invite her in, she just…” Gina silenced Paul by placing a finger over his lips.

“Don’t make me change my mind.”

“Right,” was Paul’s muffled response. “Change your mind about what?”

“That I love you like fish love hooks and worms and stuff,” Gina replied matter-of-factly. “Idiot,” she added and replaced her finger with her lips.

Fenny arrived at the hospital and approached a rather solemn-looking nurse at the nurses station that the volunteer at the front desk had sent her to.

“Hi, could you tell me where David Grey is?” she asked, and the nurse pointed idly down one of the corridors. “Thanks, you’ve been so helpful,” Fenny grumbled as she headed down the corridor. She was getting worried until she saw her sister Addie slumped in a seat, and her brother Sully leaning against a wall, arms crossed.

“Well look who it is,” Addie sneered.

“Oh, fabulous,” Sully grumbled.

“You didn’t bring Brad and his bastard child with you?” Addie asked.

“Life in LA not treating you too harshly, now, is it?” Sully added.

“Well it’s nice to see you, too,” Fenny scowled. Sully had held a grudge against her since she’d escaped to Australia and left him in the lurch. His business had started to falter in recent months and with his reasoning it was Fenny’s fault, even when she knew it was his lack of business skills and chronic bad mood that was doing the damage. Addie, on the other hand, was essentially jealous of everything Fenny had and had always taken the liberty to make Fenny’s life hell. “Where’s Mom and Dad?”

Sully pointed to the room in front of them and Fenny stepped inside. Her father was lying on the bed in a gown with his arm in plaster and his ankle strapped. The shattered remains of the camera were on the table next to him. Her mother was in a chair and they both appeared to be transfixed with the television.

“Hi,” Fenny announced and they both looked at her. “What’s the verdict then?”

“Broken, irreparable…” David huffed.

“You, Daddy, not the camera,” Fenny sighed.

“He’s fine,” Louise sighed. “Apart from the broken arm and sprained ankle.”

“Well that’s good, then…”

“It’s not good, that lens was crafted in the Himalayas, you know. When they discharge me, you can help me find a new one,” David declared and Fenny and her mother looked at each other pained. “Where’s Brad? I like Brad.”

“He’s working in Vegas.”

“Well, when’s he getting here?”

“He’s not. He and Lilly will be going back to LA.” Fenny watched as her mother cringed at the mention of Lilly. Bastard children from one-night stands were not very popular in her family.

“Anyway, it’ll be nice to have the family together again for a day or so at least,” Louise smiled.

“Unless Sully and Addie hack me to death with a pick axe in my sleep,” Fenny muttered and took a seat on the end of her father’s bed.

“We’ll have to get a new family photo taken,” Louise continued.

“Oh that’s right,” David huffed. “Just rub it in that I broke the camera.”

“I’ve just got to make a phonecall,” Fenny said, leaping up and escaping the hospital room and the glare of her siblings. She ended up sneaking outside onto a fire escape and calling Brad.

“Hello?”

“Why’d I do it?”

“Oh, hi sweetie. Do what?”

“Come here, home?”

“Because you’re a kind-hearted individual who wanted to help.”

“Dad’s pretty much the same, Mom’s in denial that you have a bastard child, and Sully and Addie are on the verge of having me ritually beheaded.”

“Surely, it can’t be that bad?”

“Oh come on, this is my family.”

“I like your family.”

“My father wants me to find Himalayan camera parts.”

“Your dad’s cool.”

“You’re not helping.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. How’s Lilly?”

“Trying to wrestle the phone off me,” Brad giggled. “It’s not Fenny, go and pat Colin’s bald spot again.”

“That’s so mean.”

“It keeps her occupied. Anyway, I have to go, we’re on soon.”

“Okay, good luck.”

“I’ll call you later and tell you how it went.”

“Is this before or after you’ve been drinking?”

“You’ll have to wait and see.”

“Give Lilly a hug for me.”

“Will do. And give your parents my, er, just say hi to them for me.”

Fenny giggled. “Love you, monkey man.”

“Love you too,” Brad replied and then ended the call. Fenny let out a sigh and looked out over the busy hospital carpark wishing she were anywhere but where she was.

“This really isn’t helping me pack,” Paul mused as he realised they’d been making out like teenagers for the best part of an hour.

“You’d rather be packing your CD collection?” Gina asked.

“Are you insinuating there’s something wrong with my CD collection?”

“Of course not. Sure, the amount of disco music is a tad on the sad side…”

“This from the woman who has a Hanson CD.”

“I’ve seen you singing along to it,” she teased as they sat up.

“Maybe when I’ve been very, very drunk,” he countered, getting to his feet then grabbing her hands and pulling her to her feet. She wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed him again. “Sorry I hurt you,” he breathed.

“You should be,” she replied. “But I’m not in the mood to dwell, I’ve got an idea.”

“Should I be worried?”

“Maybe,” Gina said coyly. “I was thinking we should take the mattress from the spare room to the new house so we can stay there.”

Paul thought for a moment. “Okay, that actually sounds like fun, and if I’m drunk and fall out of bed it won’t hurt quite so much.”

“Always thinking, aren’t ya?” she laughed as she led the way out of his apartment.

“Like Einstein mate,” he agreed.

“Woohoo, great show guys!” Drew perked as they all plodded backstage.

“I was especially impressed by how many times your swore during the mouse trap game,” Ryan grinned, and Drew gave him the finger.

“Who’s up for drinking and gambling until dawn, then?” Chip asked.

“I don’t think I could handle it, I might just watch cartoons,” Brad sighed.

“Aw, gonna hang out with your kid, man? That’s cool,” Drew smiled.

“No, I was just gonna watch cartoons,” Brad shrugged.

“I might give it a miss too,” Greg declared. “I should really call the wife.”

“Oh my god,” Colin gasped and quickly felt Greg’s forehead. “Should I get a doctor? Greg doesn’t want to drink and gamble. Do you want to sit down?”

“Thank you Colin, but I’m fine, I’m just not in the mood for fun and frivolity,” Greg scorned and marched out of the dressing room.

“Well I never, Proops is in a mood,” Kathy mused. “Maybe his glasses are on too tight.”

“I’ll check up on him,” Brad said to no one in particular and left the dressing room as well. It took him a short time to get back to his room, surprisingly never running into Greg, and found that Lilly and Ritza were both fast asleep on Lilly’s bed. He decided it was best not to disturb them and left the room again and headed for Greg’s. A hotel worker with a trolley idled toward him and he noticed a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket.

“Oh my god what’s that?” Brad gasped and pointed down the hall. The worker looked and Brad swiped the bottle of champagne and two glasses before he knocked on Greg’s door.

“What the fuck do you want?” Greg grumbled as he was pushed out of the way and the door quickly closed.

“I come bearing champagne,” Brad smiled.

Greg looked at him a moment and shook his head, “Fine.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Brad asked as they both sat on the bed.

“Not really,” Greg breathed. “I called her, you know, and all I got was the answering machine. I’m assuming she’s out somewhere. You think she might want to hear from her husband, wouldn’t you?”

“Did you leave a message?” Brad asked, popping the champagne and pouring them both a glass.

“No,” Greg grumbled, taking his glass.

“Did you try her cell phone? Her parents? What about that aunt you said she was looking after?”

“Yes, thank you for pointing about the obvious flaws in my plan,” Greg huffed.

“I’m sure she misses you, buddy,” Brad soothed before they both sculled the contents of their glasses.

“More,” Greg insisted as Brad poured them another glass each.

“I thought we weren’t getting drunk?” Brad chided.

“That was before you bought the expensive champagne, which we’ve opened and really shouldn’t let it go to waste.”

“No, that would be very wrong,” Brad agreed as they sculled their glasses and he filled them up again. “Maybe we should order room service, get something else.”

“Yeah, let’s get smashed and then call our wives.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Brad cackled and they clinked glasses before drinking the bubbly liquid.

Paul and Gina had strapped the large mattress to the roof of the Beetle and tried hard not to kill anyone as they made their way to the new house. Once there, they undid the ropes, then struggled to lug the mattress, which was significantly bigger than both of them were, into the house and to the main bedroom. By the time they’d struggled to drag it down the hallway, they were both knackered and fell with it onto the floor.

“And to think, that’s only the mattress from the spare room,” Paul panted as they both started giggling.

“I think we’ve done well considering the damn think is bigger than both of us and the car.”

“Must be all the escaping from kidnappers, gets you fit,” Paul breathed and then pretended to hack up a lung. Gina laughed and clambered on top of him. “Don’t even think about it, I don’t have the energy,” he declared.

“I’ve heard that before,” she teased and leaned in to kiss him as the doorbell gave its usual pained attempt at ringing.

“There she squawks,” Paul mused as Gina let out a groan.

“We’re never going to have sex in this house, you do realise that?”

“Oh, can we be at one with nature and do it in the backyard then?” Paul grinned as the doorbell gave another cry. “Go answer it before someone thinks I’m slaughtering animals again.”

Gina rolled off of Paul and trundled out of the bedroom. She pulled open the front door as was surprised to see a familiar figure leaning against the doorframe.

“Danny!” she squealed and wrapped him up in a hug. “What are you doing back?”

“I lost my job, thanks to somebody telling Brian I was off fucking a model,” Danny scorned.

“Who would do such a thing?” she said unconvincingly.

“So this is the new digs, huh?” he mused as she stepped aside to let him in.

“Yeah, we’re still doing up. What do you think?”

He nodded. “I think it’s cool. I’m surprised you got Mongoose Man to agree, though.”

“Mongoose Man?” Paul shrieked from the bedroom. “Did you just call me Mongoose Man?” he demanded as he marched up the hallway.

“Why yes I did,” Danny perked.

“I don’t look like a mongoose.”

“I never said you did.”

“Then why did you call me Mongoose Man?”

“Where’s Troy?”

“Guarding the stereo with Archie.”

“And hence my point.”

“There was a point?” Paul asked, bewildered.

“Who’s Archie?” Danny asked.

“Troy’s friend,” Gina shrugged. “So, what brought you here, anyway?”

“Well, since you lost me my job, you can give me a place to stay,” Danny declared.

“Fair enough,” Gina nodded. “Oh, but we just took the spare mattress from my place.”

“And I’m not sleeping anywhere you and Paul have fornicated,” Danny mused.

“You can use the spare room at my place,” Paul offered and handed Danny his keys. “Just watch out, Freya’s moved in down the hall.”

“Don’t worry mate, I’ll keep my cricket bat by the bed, just in case.”

“You want to stay for dinner?” Gina asked. “We were only gonna get takeaway?”

“Well, as long as Paul doesn’t mind,” Danny replied, looking at Paul.

“I don’t care, just don’t go calling me Mongoose Man again,” Paul shrugged and sauntered into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Short Stuff,” Danny chided and Paul turned and glared at him.

“Children,” Gina sighed, grabbing her keys. “I’m going to get dinner. Behave, the pair of you,” she ordered and left.

Danny shrugged and sauntered into the living room. He noticed the writing on the wall and chuckled. Then saw Troy and who he guessed to be Archie on the floor. He leaned over to grab the gnome by the hat only to hear Paul yell.

“DON’T TOUCH MY GNOME!”

Danny’s hand shot back and he shoved both hands into his pockets.