“I spy with my little eye something beginning with ‘L’,” Danny announced with little enthusiasm as he made circles in the dirt with his fingers.

“Light bulb,” the others said in unison and followed up with a loud chorus of sighs.

“Christ, if we must continue to play this fucking game can we try and find other things other than the damn light bulb,” Paul groused.

“I spy with my little eye something beginning with ‘M’,” Fenny piped up, her chin against Brad’s knee as she doodled with a stick in the soil floor.

“And not fucking mongoose either,” Paul countered, sighing loudly.

“Dude, no one is gonna fuck that mongoose,” Greg chided and Paul shook his head and moved Troy closer.

“Surely we could have a discussion about something,” Danny suggested, looking hopefully around at the others. “Couldn’t we?”

“How about how we’re all going to die horrible, painful deaths in the near future?” Greg perked sarcastically.

“I know,” Gina mused as her head rested on Paul’s shoulder. “How about Fen and Brad tell us all about how they fucked each other stupid last night.”

Brad and Fenny both looked mortified at the suggestion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Fenny pouted, looking up from her dirt drawing.

“I think she’s talking about the rosy glow on your pale skin, the twinkle of hope in your eyes and the fact you haven’t been able to keep your fucking hands off each other all day,” Paul declared and smiled wickedly.

“Still doesn’t prove we had sex,” Fenny retorted. “Maybe we’re just seeking comfort in each other.”

“So did you screw her?” Danny sighed, looking over at Brad, obviously bored with the conversation.

“Yeah,” Brad smirked in a way only a man who recently got laid can.

“Thanks,” Fenny breathed, patting his leg.

“What? I didn’t say it was bad or anything,” Brad said defensively.

“Was it?” Fenny asked, sitting up to look at him properly. “Was it bad?”

“Oh, oh,” Paul giggled into the side of Gina’s head. “The shit is hitting the fan, prepare to be smothered in the faecal matter that is the Sherwood relationship.”

Gina sniggered into one of her hands and squeezed Paul’s hand in her other in an attempt to hush him.

“No, it was lovely,” Brad replied. “ I’d forgotten what making love to you was like.”

“Oh great, I was that memorable,” Fenny gasped, looking offended.

“I remember if it’s any consolation,” Danny piped up as he shrugged.

“So do I,” Greg agreed. “How could you forget, Sherwood?”

Brad was speechless a moment. “Well I didn’t forget as such…”

“Come on mate, dig yourself outta that hole,” Paul laughed and mimed shoveling.
Brad narrowed his eyes at Paul. “I’m not discussing this in front of everyone.”

“Tosser,” Danny coughed into a clenched fist.

“Wanker,” Paul added in his own mock cough.

“Wow you two have caught the same masturbation slang cough,” Gina mused. “Says a lot about you really.”

“Excuse me?” Paul chided. “I’ll have you know I haven’t masturbated in, oh, hours.”

“Yeah, thanks for that image,” Fenny winced and leaned back against the wall.

“You realise if we stay down here long enough we might actually kill each other,” Greg declared with a wry smile. “I have dibs on McDermott.”

“Hey!” Paul gasped.

“Aw, I wanted him,” Brad pouted over dramatically.

“No way, I’ve known him longer than you,” Danny chimed in.

“I’ve been the brunt of most of his jokes and tantrums, I should get first go,” Fenny added through giggles.

Paul’s face fell into a pout. “Gee, nice to know I’m so loved.”

“Yeah, mean bastards,” Gina scorned, patting Paul’s cheek. “Besides he’s my husband so if anyone is going to kill him it should be me.”

“You’re all horrible,” Paul huffed, getting to his feet. “I hope when Amy kills you and you die that you all come back as cockroaches so I can torture you.”

“Is that before or after you’ve run screaming from the room like a girl?” Gina asked, brushing the dirt from the back of Paul’s pants.

“After,” he breathed and then averted his attention to the ceiling.

“So, how do you think Amy is gonna kill us?” Greg piped up cheerfully. “I’m personally not bothered so long as my corpse is taken back to the States.”

“Could you imagine being stuck in hell together for eternity?” Brad sighed. “I don’t think I’d suit horns.”

“Paul would fit in really well,” Gina giggled. “I think he’s enjoy eternal damnation.”

“Yeah, married you didn’t I?” Paul grinned, still looking at the ceiling. “I wish I’d kept the flick knife I stole from one of the heavettes,” he added to himself.

“Yes, well, I didn’t really feel like being branded an international terrorist,” Fenny groused. “Or being strip searched with you.”

“Oh Fen,” Paul smiled sweetly. “I wouldn’t want to have gloved fingers inserted up my rectum with anyone else.”

“Are you sure we can’t kill him now?” Fenny sighed and buried her face into Brad’s shoulder.

“Oh,” Gina suddenly squealed and jumped to her feet.

“What?” everyone yelped, fearing attack by any number of deadly Australian creatures.

“I just remembered something,” she perked and reached down to her bandaged ankle. Gina started unwrapping the bandage until a hint of silver glinted in the pale light.

“What the fuck…” Paul gasped and crouched down to inspect the metallic object. “My scalpel!”

“It was in your bag,” Gina shrugged as she replaced the bandage. “Which actually begs the question how you got it through airport security.”

“I’m a celebrity,” Paul smiled wickedly and refocused his attention back on the ceiling. “Brannigan, can I borrow your rippling muscles for a bit.”

“Why?” Danny asked, getting to his feet and making his way over. Paul turned Danny away from him and made him kneel, then he positioned himself on Danny’s shoulders. “Oh mother of god.”

Danny stood and Paul found himself with much easier access to the ceiling. The stone was battered and well worn and Paul began to chip away at it with the scalpel. Within moments a large chunk came away and fell to the floor.

“Yes,” Paul cackled. “The back of your neck is warm,” he added cheekily and started working on some more of the stone.

“What are you hoping to achieve?” Fenny asked, getting to her feet to inspect the crumbling stone.

“Other than destroying national heritage?” Danny grunted, glad Paul was a skinny little man.

“I’m hoping that if this place is built like I think,” Paul puffed, “that we’ll be able to escape.”

“How do you know Amy isn’t directly above us?” Brad queried as more stone fell to the floor.

“Layout of the house dude,” Greg sighed. “While the cellar covers the entire bottom of the house, the various noises above tell us her majesty is at the other end.”

“MOVE!” Paul yelped and Danny darted to the side as a large chunk of stone crashed to the floor, kicking up dust.

“I really hope she didn’t hear that,” Fenny sighed and kicked the stone. “Shit, ow.”

“Go stand in the corner Fen,” Danny chided. “Before you do yourself more damage.”

“Oh hush,” she groused and made her way back to Brad.

“Listen,” Paul perked and tapped his scalpel on the roof above him. It made a hollow knocking nose. “We’ve reached floorboards.”

“How are you planning to move those?” Gina asked, squinting through the dim light to see the wood.

“I figure they’ve got to be pretty rotten,” Paul announced as he pried out a couple of nails and then gave the boards a push. They creaked and cracked. And sounded like they were ready to give in.

“And you’d be right mongoose man,” Greg chided, surprised at Paul’s ingenuity.

“My arms are killing from all the scraping though,” Paul sighed. “Oh, I’ve an idea,” he added and slid down Danny’s back to the floor. “Stay there,” he added and moved back to back with Danny where he linked their arms together. “This is something Fen actually taught me,” he grinned. “On my word leaned forward yeah.”

“Ok,” Danny said, slightly unsure.

“Now,” Paul announced and as Danny leaned forward Paul kicked the exposed floorboards as hard as he could. They cracked loudly and light flooded in through the hole. “McGyver eat yer heart out!”

“You’re so much sexier than Richard Dean Anderson,” Gina gushed. “Although you’ve almost got a mullet…”

“Get fucked,” Paul pouted, dropping to the floor and running his fingers through his hair, vowing to get a haircut once they reached civilisation.

“Now what?” Brad asked, looking at the hole. “Surely she’s gonna notice?”

“Which is why we need to move quick,” Gina announced, her instincts finally taken over. “Someone should go and check the coast is clear first though.”

“My hole, I’ll go,” Paul enthused, grabbing Troy. “Guard Troy,” he nodded, handing Gina the stuffed mongoose and then went over to Danny who gave him a leg up.

Paul’s head poked out of the hole and he was glad to find he’d burrowed into a disused bedroom. He placed his arms on either side of the hole and hoisted himself through it.

“Well?” Danny called from the cellar.

“Give me a sec,” Paul whispered and tiptoed to the door; he gently opened it, pleased to find it didn’t squeak, and glanced up the hallway. There was muffled talking from the kitchen but the rest was quiet. He walked back to the hole and crouched down. “All clear.”

“Is there an easy escape from up there?” Gina asked, standing next to Danny.

Paul looked over his shoulder and smiled before looking back. “A big fucking window,” he replied. “So come on up.”

“Who’s next then?” Danny asked, getting ready to help the next person up.

“Me,” Gina said quickly, not wanting to let Paul out of her sight for long. Danny lifted her and she shoved Troy through the hole before pulling herself into the room. Next was Fenny, followed by Greg, Brad and then Danny.

“Am I glad to be outta there,” Fenny said softly as Paul put the floorboards back as best he could.

“It’s not over yet,” Brad whispered as he gently opened the window, it gave a crack but it seemed the talking overshadowed Amy’s hearing.

The group stepped out into the warm late afternoon air, taking several seconds to get used to the light again. They glanced at each other and discovered that grotty was an understatement for how they were looking. Paul was the worst with white flecks of mortar covering most of his hair.

“Ok, so what next?” Danny asked, looking stunned that they’d escaped yet again.

“Duh,” Greg chided. “We steal a car.”

“And which way do we head to do that?” Fenny asked curiously.

“This way,” Gina perked and started limp-leading the way.

“This is going to be a slow getaway if you lead,” Paul mused and stopped her. “I’ll piggy back you,” he added and Gina giggled as she made the transition from walking to gripping onto her husband as she pointed out the way to go.

They quickly found a selection of ominous black vehicles, three in total, and Gina was adamant they were going to take Otto’s out of spite. As the group approached the cars they noticed there was a balaclava clad heavy leaning against one of the cars.

“Shit, they’ve got a guard,” Brad hissed.

“Now what do we do?” Fenny breathed, sticking close to Brad because, well, because he was a man.

“Take him out,” Brad said, smiling mischievously. He lifted his shirt and showed off the sizeable piece of the stone ceiling he’d stuck in his pants.

“Oh my,” Fenny peeped and watched as Brad motioned for the others to stay back as he crept toward the unsuspecting heavy. When he was close enough he lifted the stone and then brought it down with a crunch on the heavy’s skull. The heavy collapsed to the ground and the others rushed over.

“Well done, you,” Paul perked and slapped Brad on the back.

“Beven taught me a thing or two,” Brad grinned. “What are we gonna do with him?”

“Take him and dump him in the outback somewhere,” Gina suggested as she slid from Paul’s back.

“No, I’ve got a better idea,” Danny announced crouching down to get a closer look at the heavy.

“Another toast to my fantastically persuasive brother,” Amy beamed as she held up her glass of water in a toast.

“Oh shucks,” Otto laughed. “They were like putty in my hands.”

“You da man,” cackled one of the heavies until Otto shot him a disgusted look.

“If you ever refer to me as ‘da’ again I will use your knee caps as ashtrays,” Otto groused and then looked back at his sister. “Shall we go and stir our new friends?”

“Why not,” Amy perked and checked her gun was loaded. “Lead the way, little brother,” she added.

Otto strode proudly from the kitchen and led the way to the cellar door. He removed the chair he’d placed in front of it, pulled open the bolt and opened the door. The small group started down the stairs and the further they got the more Otto’s heart sank.

“Oh fuck,” he breathed and ran a hand over his face. “How…”

“Idiot, you fucking idiot!” Amy screamed and punched him in the arm.

The two heavies quickly hurried into the remainder of the cellar and scanned around for evidence.

“Over here!” one called and Amy and Otto dashed over to see a rather ominous pile of stone.

Otto looked up and noticed the dim rays of light filtering through the cracks in the floorboards. “They got through the fucking ceiling, how the hell…”

“I warned you,” Amy huffed. “Did I not warn you?”

“They’re all the artsy type,” Otto gasped. “They don’t do shit like that!”

“I’m sorry, did you miss the crack in my skull from that bottle of tequila?” Amy spat, kicking the ground.

“Hey, boss look at this,” called the other heavy as he stood looking at the dirt floor.
Amy and Otto strolled over and Amy gave a short laugh. Otto let out a defeated whine as he read the message left in the soil: “Go back to driving the bus.”

“How far could they have gotten?” asked one of the heavies.

Otto and Amy shot each other a glance and then raced up the wooden stairs. They pulled their guns from their holsters, the heavies doing the same as they bolted out into the sunlight.

“They took my fucking car!” Otto wailed, utterly dismayed.

“SEAN!” Amy yelped, noticing the guard heavy lying on the ground in front of her own car. She raced over and dropped to her knees. “Sean, Sean are you ok?” The heavy gave a low groan and then opened his eyes and nodded. “Oh thank god,” she breathed as she caressed his balaclava clad head. “What happened?” the heavy motioned to the stone that’s been abandoned where Otto’s car used to be.

“This just isn’t fair,” Otto huffed. “It’s not supposed to be this way!”

“Oh shut up,” Amy spat. “Take Sean inside will you,” she added, looking at the heavies who quickly got Sean to his feet and led him back toward the house.

“Now what?” Otto pouted, roughly running his fingers through his hair.

“We have a chat little brother,” Amy sighed getting to her feet. “We have a chat.”

“So what’s the plan?” Fenny asked as she slowed the four wheel drive now they were quite a distance from Amy, Otto and anyone else that planned to kill them.

“We all get lattes?” Greg suggested casually as he dusted the grit from his clothes.

“We should try calling Beven and Ritza,” Brad piped up. “Make sure they’re ok.”

“I still want a latte,” Greg chided, making everyone giggle with a sense of relief.

“I think I’ll just thank my husband for being brilliant,” Gina mused and brought her lips lustily to Paul’s. Half a second later she had her belt undone and was straddling him.

“Oh guys,” Fenny groused. “Do you have to?”

“It’s kinda like mating time at the zoo,” Greg teased, catching an unfortunate side glance at the pair. “Except at the zoo you can walk away and not have to watch as the monkeys fondle each other.”

“Oh, leave the kids alone,” Brad smiled. “If I was back there I’d probably be thanking Paul in much the same way.”

“Why Brad,” Paul gasped, giving a quick glance to the passenger seat. “I never knew you cared.”

“That was pretty ingenious of you buddy,” Brad continued. “I wouldn’t never have thought to –”

“HEY!” Greg yelped, shirking away from Paul and Gina. “That’s my thigh man.”

“I know but you seemed so left out,” Paul said with mock serious. Gina started to giggle and slipped back into her own seat, leaving Paul looking ravished.

“As I was saying, that was pretty ingenious what you did,” Brad mused, looking over his shoulder at Paul.

“I think I saw it on McGyver once and the kicking thing was from Charlie’s Angels,” Paul perked, scratching his head. “Whoever said watching TV was a waste of time was a fucking liar.”

“I think we’ve learnt our best survival techniques from television,” Fenny agreed. “It makes all that time spent lazing on the couch seem worth while.”

“We could create our own reality television series really, couldn’t we?” Paul suggested. “Extreme Survivor!”

Brad laughed and then put on his best announcers voice. “We take five contestants, with survival skills only learnt from cheesy American television and set them against the best underground crime gangs in the word.”

“With members from British, American and Australian Mafias, we see just how long a group of whiny assed artists can hold onto their own mortality,” Greg continued.

“Watch as contestants are unwillingly taken in ominous black vehicles and deposited on one of three continents before having their lives threatened in any number of flimsy and unoriginal ways,” Gina added.

“Yes, from the corpse ridden highlands of Scotland, to the whore infested cities of Amsterdam and the harsh gun toting Australian outback, this is Extreme Survivor,” Fenny continued before the giggling group looked at Paul who pondered a moment and then sang.

Running from the Mafia

Trying not to scream

It’s all part of the fun

When you’re going for Extreme.

Don’t get frightened use a level head

And if you’re really lucky

You won’t end up fucking dead.

Running from the Mafia

Working as a team

You’ll visit three continents

If you’re going for Extreme.

Yes, you’ll be just like Stuart Diver

When you’re part of Extreme Survivor!

“Oh bravo to the monkey lover,” Greg laughed as they all gave Paul a round of applause.

“No, bravo to us all,” Paul said graciously. “That was a combined effort there.”

“And now we’ve got that out of our systems can someone please tell me where I’m driving to?” Fenny asked as she pulled the four wheel drive to a stop by the side of the road.

“Oh thank god,” Brad declared and quickly clambered from the car and into a small clump of shrubs.

“Well, any suggestions?” Greg asked, looking at Gina and Paul.

“Why you looking at us?” Gina frowned. “Oh, we’re the Australians huh?”

“My you’re sharp,” Greg teased and Gina swatted his leg.

“Fen, there should be a map in the glove compartment,” Gina declared and Fenny leant over and retrieved it. “Ta, right, we’re here,” she mused, pointing to what was clearly very little on the map.

“Should we head back to Coober Peedy?” Brad asked, reappearing looking much happier.

“God no, Amy will already be on her way there to check for us I imagine,” Gina sighed as Paul studied the map and then started sniggering.

“What?” everyone else said in unison.

“I’ve found the perfect place for us to head to,” he smiled. “Coward Springs!”

“You can’t be serious?” Greg said, raising an eyebrow and Paul pointed out the town name to him. “I don’t know whether it’s insane or genius.”

“Insane,” Fenny and Brad said together.

“Genius,” Gina laughed and patted Paul’s thigh as he looked at the others trying to work out if he was in fact being mocked.

“So is it decided?” he asked, passing the map to Brad. “Are we going to be cowards?”

“I think it’s in a direction she wont be expecting us to go if that’s any help,” Gina shrugged.

“We’ll vote,” Fenny declared and twisted around in her seat. “All in favor?” Everyone put up their hands. “All against?” Everyone out up their hands again.

“We have got to learn to make decisions,” Greg sighed, leaning his head against the window.

“No, you know what,” Fenny laughed. “We’ve managed to escape from a frickin’ cellar today, and I think we can risk going to place called ‘Coward Springs.’”

“Did you just say frickin’?” Paul chided as Fenny put her foot down hard on the accelerator. “Ohh freak burst of dominance.”

“There you go man,” one of the heavies announced as he helped Sean to the bed. “Want us to stay with ya?”

Sean shook his head and the heavies shrugged at each other and left without another word. Once the door had closed, the heavy on the bed sat up and rolled up the balaclava. It wasn’t in fact Sean who had been hogtied and deposited on the side of a barren rode in only his underpants, it was actually Danny who had chosen to go undercover. He realised quickly as his friends took off that he’d never actually heard the guy he was impersonating talk other than ‘oof’ when he was hit in the head. Therefore he was hoping he could mime his way out of just about everything. The other down side was an almost constant wearing of the woollen balaclava which was hot and itchy.

Danny slid off the bed and started poking around the room he was in. After coming across a small bag containing an array of thong underwear it was apparent he was in Amy’s room. He was quite bewildered as to why as he pried through the few belongings in the room. Until he came across a small sports bag, inside were various items of male clothing and a passport which Danny opened to find that Sean was a Texan who put his occupation down as ‘accountant.’ Danny heard footsteps coming down the hall and leapt onto the bed and rolled down the balaclava just before the door opened.

Amy strolled in closing the door quietly behind her. She made her way over to the bed and climbed onto it next to Danny who closed his eyes tightly.

“I’m going to kill them for this,” she announced and gently stroked his arm. “How dare they hurt you.” Danny tried desperately to feign sleep as he felt her fingers clasp the bottom of the balaclava. He instantly grabbed her wrist to stop her. “Oh come on, at least let me have a look.”

Danny shook his head and inched a little from her.

“Oh don’t go being all proud,” Amy sighed and let her fingers retreat and creep down his chest. “Besides, I can help soothe the pain,” she added lifting his shirt a little.

Danny had to hold in a scream and turned over away from her.

“What is your problem?” Amy groused. “Sean?”

Danny winced a moment and then mustered up the best Texan accent he could and muffled it into the pillow. “I’ve got a headache, sweetheart.”

“Aw,” Amy sighed and squeezed his arm. “Well I’ll come and get you when we’re ready to leave, ok?”

“Oh come on, they can’t go far.”

“I know, but Otto is all steamed up and…”

“Well I’ll be no use to you.”

Danny heard Amy let out a small sigh. “Ok, we’ll wait until morning to go after them. Those fuckers won’t get far.”

“That’s my girl,” Danny said quietly and cringed as he reached back to pat her thigh.

Seemingly satisfied, Amy got off the bed and disappeared out of the room. The second the door closed Danny fished the cell phone from his pocket and dialed Fenny’s number.

“Come on, come on,” he whispered.

“Good afternoon you’ve reached the headquarters of Extreme Survivor,” Brad declared.

“I’ve managed to get Amy to hold off searching for you until morning,” Danny breathed.

“Fantastic.”

“Otto is pissed though, really pissed.”

“Well he shouldn’t have imprisoned us,” Brad said matter-of-factly. “Anything else.”

“Oh yeah, you know that heavy I’m impersonating.”

“How could I forget, you know he cried when we let him go.”

“Yeah well he’s Amy’s fucking boyfriend.”

Brad burst into laughter and a few seconds later ended the call with Danny.

“Well?” Gina asked, leaning forward a little. “That was Dan, right?”

“Oh yeah,” Brad beamed.

“And the joke is?” Paul asked.

“That unfortunate heavy we left roaming the outback in his underwear was Amy’s lover,” Brad sniggered, causing both Paul and Greg to crack up.

“That’s not funny,” Fenny gasped, frowning into the rear vision mirror.

“Yeah it is,” Paul laughed, copping an unhappy look from Gina.

“He’s Amy’s bi-atch,” Greg announced, causing even Fenny and Gina to giggle.

“We’re so going to hell,” Fenny groaned as she refocused on her driving.

“Ah well, at least we’re going together,” Brad soothed and patted her knee affectionately as a sign welcoming them to ‘Coward Springs’ came into view.