“All right, all right,” Danny yelled as he tucked the corner of a blue fluffy towel firmly around his waist. “I’m coming,” he added as he unlocked the apartment door. He paused momentarily, surprised that it happened to be Gina banging loudly when it was her apartment anyway. “Gina?”

“It’s Paul,” she managed to mumble, her whole body far from its usual confident stance.

“What about Paul?” he asked, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her into the room before Moonstar inadvertently had to pop around and chat.

“I went and saw him in Melbourne,” Gina babbled. “Everything was fine, perfect, then he didn’t come home and I thought he might have eloped with Freya but I was wrong.”

“Right,” he said cautiously, wondering why, after several months and the fact he’d nearly pulped her husband, Gina was standing in front of him a nervous wreck.

“He’s been kidnapped, Dan,” she swallowed, and tried valiantly to show him the message on her phone, but her hands were shaking and she ended up calling the vet. Danny snatched the phone and hunted out the one saved message, which he read twice to make sure he wasn’t day dreaming.

“Amy, fucking hell,” he gasped. “What the fuck does ‘as the Japanese say, ohio. shame if such a big name as your hubby died. You’ve got the same name McDermott. work it out yourself,’ mean?”

She speechlessly shook her head and tried to mouth a couple of words but all that came out was, “I’ve missed you, Dan.”

“Aw, you too,” he breathed, wrapping his frantic friend in a quick hug. “But did you have to miss me when there’s a chance I might die?”

“I’ve no one else to go to,” she sniffed.

“You haven’t called Fen?”

“No, why should I?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “Maybe, maybe Brad’s been taken too.”

“I suppose there’s a positive,” Gina chided half-heartedly. Danny tutted and shook his head.

“Look, I’m going to get some clothes on. You just try and calm down, okay,” he ordered and hurried off into the bedroom. While Danny undertook the smell test on his underwear, Gina walked idly into the kitchen and got herself a glass of water. There was a box of her stuff still sitting on the breakfast bar and she decided to rifle through it to take her mind off Paul’s disappearance and Amy’s threatening message, if that were possible. There were a few books, videos and CDs.

“Oh my, the Drew Carey Show soundtrack,” she mused and started humming the theme song rather tonelessly. Then, like a light bulb being switched on in her head, she let out a gasp. “Ohio, that’s it!” she abandoned her glass and dashed into the living room where Danny’s bookcase was. She pulled out a rather large atlas and let out a squeal. Danny raced into the room as he pulled on his Swan’s guernsey.

“What? What’s happened?”

“I’ve worked it out, Dan,” she enthused, jumping to her feet. She shoved the atlas under his nose and pointed. “There.”

“McDermott, Ohio. Well I never,” he nodded. “Not bad, Sherlock.”

When he finally felt the drugs had worn off enough, Greg sat up gingerly and got to his feet. He realised for the first time that the room was extremely cold, and he concluded that he at least hadn’t been dragged to Arizona. He padded across the room, pulled open the closed curtains and was surprised to be greeted by a blanket of snow.

“Great, just great,” Greg groused. “Usually I get sunburnt, but no, this time I’m going to get frostbite and have my feet amputated.” He continued to stare out the window for a while, deciding that the white snow was a change from the atrocious grey colour of his room, and slightly more calming. His attention was averted back into the room when the lock on the door clicked and a rather frighteningly large woman appeared.

“Good…” he paused. “Is it morning or afternoon? Being kidnapped doesn’t give you time to adjust to time zones and Amy wasn’t kind enough to reset my watch.”

“It’s afternoon,” grumbled the woman as she marched over to Greg. “These are to shut you up,” she added and thrust a pack of cigarettes and a lighter into his hands.

“Oh, thank your boss kindly for me,” Greg smiled, not wanting to get himself beaten by a woman who seemed to be the runt offspring of The Hulk. He focussed his attention back out the window and nearly keeled over as a kangaroo hopped past in the distance. “Was that a kangaroo? That was a kangaroo? Holy fuck?” He looked at the hulk woman shocked. “I’m in Australia? I’m in fucking Australia.”

“Yeah, enjoy your stay,” the woman smiled coldly and stalked back out of the room, locking the door behind her.

Greg looked out the window again, trying to comprehend exactly what had happened. He’d been drugged in sunny California and somehow ended up locked in a hotel room in god only knows where Australia. “Since when did it snow in this goddamn country?” he groused and shakily lit a cigarette as the adrenaline started pumping through his body. After several puffs, the nicotine kicked in and he tried to construct some rational thought. “Man, I have to fight off psycho feminists with snowballs,” he whined, leaning his head against the frosty window. “Bet Germaine Greer never saw that one coming.”

“I can’t get a flight for three days,” Gina wailed angrily, throwing her cell phone onto the couch.

“So call Fen, she’s already in the right country,” Danny sighed, wishing Gina would just do the most reasonable thing.

“I don’t need Fen’s help,” Gina spat as her phone burst into life. She looked blankly at Danny. “Oh my god, you answer it.”

“Me? Why me?”

“Because you’re a guy,” she shrugged. “Please.”

He grabbed the phone and pressed the talk button. “Hello?”

“Bambi is that you?”

“Ritza! Fuck.”

“Why are you answering Gina’s phone? Is there something I should know about?”

“No,” Danny half laughed. “She’s scared in case it’s bloody Amy.”

“Oh no,” Ritza gasped. “Not her too?”

“You got a message as well?” he gasped, and Gina practically tore his arm off as she tried to listen.

“Yeah, ‘thought you got rid of me bitch? Me and Greg Greg are having a ball if you want to join us and try again but you won’t be so lucky this time.'”

“Greg Greg?” Gina mumbled and darted off to grab the atlas again.

“What did Gina get?”

“Long story short, Paul’s in Ohio.”

“What? Why? That’s just nuts,” Ritza gasped. “And I speak form experience.”

“Greg Greg, it’s near Kosciusko,” Gina piped up.

“What?” Danny said and then it dawned on him. “So who’s in Greg Greg?”

“Oh gee Dan, that’s a hard one,” Gina scorned. “Could it be Greg?”

“Of course,” Ritza breathed. “We were with Greg when Amy got carted off.”

“Oh Jesus, I could be next!” Danny gasped and slowly sat on the couch.

“What are we gonna do?” Ritza demanded. “I presume we are going to do something.”

“Um, Gina?” Danny said, still in shock. Gina took the phone.

“Ritza, we’re at my old apartment, can you get here ASAP?”

“Yeah, I’ll drop Gussy off at Mum’s and be right there,” Ritza enthused and ended the call.

“She could be after me,” Danny mumbled, dropping his head in his hands.

“Whatever Dan,” Gina breathed, patting him on the head. “Looks like I’ve gotta call Fen.”

“Five minutes guys,” Fenny declared as she walked between the easels observing the work her students were doing.

“And remember to account for how cold it is in this room,” Josh perked.

“Josh, shut up,” Fenny jeered as the ring of her phone filled the room. She hurried over to the desk and grabbed her cell phone, which she’d left out in case Amy tried to contact her again. “Five minutes,” she reiterated and hurried into the corridor. “Hello?”

“Fen, it’s me, Gina.” Her voice came across as edgy, and Fenny was speechless for a moment.

“Tell me she doesn’t have Paul as well,” Fenny breathed, leaning against the wall for support, the thoughts she’d been repressing flooding into her psyche.

“He’s in Ohio.”

“Oh, the poor thing,” Fenny said, feeling slightly amused that Paul should be thrust into that part of America. “I don’t know where Brad is, something about his forest and stealing form the rich and killing the poor.”

“His forest,” Gina muttered. “Rich and poor.”

“I couldn’t figure it out.”

“Like there’s something new,” Gina mused. “I’ve got it, Fen, stealing from the rich to give to the poor. Robin Hood.”

“Oh, it’s just so clear now.”

“Listen, will ya. His forest, Brad Sherwood, Sherwood Forest,” Gina enthused. “Nottingham, England.”

“England? How the hell am I supposed to get there and not get lost, killed or pimped?”

“You don’t have to, hon,” Gina declared. “Ritza or I’ll go.”

“Ritza?”

“Oh yeah, Greg’s in the Snowies not far from here.”

“I’m sure he’ll be thrilled,” Fenny mumbled. “His glasses will fog up.”

“Fen, I can’t get a flight for days, you’re going to have to go to Ohio and save Paul, please.”

“On my own?”

“Well none of us can get there to help you.”

“Us? Who’s us?”

“Me, Ritza and Dan.”

“Oh great, you get buff Dan and a Mafia strong woman,” Fenny groused. “You realise Paul will probably end up having to save me.”

“I don’t care,” Gina spat. “If you save my husband I will be eternally in your debt and will go out of my way to save the man you truly love, while protecting your soul mate and making sure one of our best friends doesn’t become an ice lolly, okay?”

Fenny felt her heart racing and took a few deep breaths. “This is all such a head fuck.”

“Did you just say head fuck?”

“You have no idea how messed up my life is.”

“Things not going well with Brad? Well, before he was kidnapped.”

“I would say him shacking up with a nurse called Bess would be an indication that they’re not.”

“Really? Well Dan’s still single,” Gina mused and Fenny heard him swear loudly at her. “If it’s any consolation, Paul ran away because he was happy I might be pregnant.”

“Of course, that figures,” Fenny sighed before they fell into an uncomfortable silence. “I’m sorry about everything that happened.”

“You should be,” Gina agreed. “Seriously, you would have been better going and fucking Dan like you’d planned instead of clubbing with Jenna.”

“Fen, five minutes are up,” Josh declared, sticking his head out of the classroom door.

“Huh? Oh, I’ll be right there,” Fenny said with a weak smile. “I’ve got to go back to my class.”

“Right, of course,” Gina breathed, not wanting to stop talking. “Call me when you get to Ohio.”

“Ditto with Nottingham,” Fenny replied. “And before you ask, I’ll tell him you love him, okay?”

“Thanks Fen, I’ve missed you.”

“Oh, me too,” Fenny pouted. “This is no time to get all girlie. We’re lean, mean fighting machines.”

“Apart from Greg, he’s a bit flabby and whiny.”

Fenny giggled. “Take care, okay?”

“You too,” Gina swallowed and then squeaked. “Oh my.”

“What?”

“When Paul left he took Troy,” she gasped. “I hope he’s okay.”

“It’s a stuffed mongoose.”

“He’s part of the family.”

“Fen!” Josh scowled, stepping out into the corridor this time.

“Josh, for god’s sake, put some bloody pants on,” Fenny mused. “I have to go, I have to change into my superhero outfit and save a man and his mongoose.”

“We’re just like Charlie’s Angels!” Gina perked. “Me, you and Ritz.”

“Does that make Dan Bosley?”

“Makes you Cameron Diaz.”

“Oh, that’s just insulting. I’ll call you,” Fenny laughed as she ended the call and looked bemused at Josh who was still standing in the corridor butt naked. “What?”

“It’s been fifteen minutes, my nuts are about to drop off.”

“Oh well, wasn’t much to start with,” Fenny declared as she sauntered back into the classroom leaving Josh standing there open-mouthed.

Paul had dozed off again thanks to the drugs and alcohol still in his system. He was hoping for nice dreams of fields and bunnies, but instead had nightmares about being eaten by monkeys, airport drug searches, and the rotting corpse of Al he’d had the unfortunate pleasure of burying last time he’d gotten kidnapped by psychos. He would have been almost glad to be woken from his horrendous thoughts had the waker not been a pissed off looking butch woman in tight leather pants and a singlet that showed off her rippling muscles.

“Have you come to kill me?” he asked sleepily.

“Get up,” the woman demanded.

“Not until you say please.”

“I said get up.”

“I said say please.”

“Little fucker,” the woman spat and grabbed Paul off the bed and dropped him on the floor.

“Hey, all I asked was for a bit of politeness, you fucking skank,” he spat, getting to his knees. He was greeted by the butch woman’s foot colliding painfully with his stomach. “Always with the fucking abdomen,” he gasped, dragging himself back to his knees.

“What the fuck is that,” the woman declared, grabbing Troy from the bed. “It’s the ugliest fucking things I’ve ever seen.”

“Hey, you leave Troy alone.”

“Troy?” the woman said, bewildered, then smiled viscously. “I take it you wouldn’t like to see anything nasty happen to your little friend here?”

“I’m warning you, put the mongoose down and you won’t get hurt,” Paul scowled. The woman cackled and pulled a knife from her pocket, she flicked it out and poked Troy with the blade. She ran the dirty blade across the stuffed animal’s neck “Maybe a bit of decapitation is in order.”

“Yeah, you’re hysterical,” Paul mocked. “So tell me, Cruella, because I’m having a mental debate here. You were once a man, right? I mean you still have the testicles tucked away beneath those unflattering leather pants, yeah?”

“I’m all woman,” she snarled, clenching her fists.

“No, really, we’re friends, you can tell me,” Paul chided. “Let me guess, your real name is Ken.”

“Insolent little…” the woman lunged at Paul, he dodged her, grabbed the bedside lamp and with one almighty swipe, cracked her over the head with it. The lamp base shattered and the woman crashed to the floor. With his heart beating a million miles an hour, Paul grabbed Troy and the flick knife, which he folded and shoved into his pocket. He clambered over the bed to grab his bag then fled the room, only stopping to lock the door behind him. He raced down the small, carpeted staircase, trying not to think of what he might do should more freaky women heavies descend upon him. He stopped and babbled some instructions about his luggage to the person on reception, promised to pay her, and dashed into the unfamiliar street. He looked left and right and tried to clear his mind enough to work out the best hiding place. A fading sign caught his eyes. “McDermott’s Finest Fillies,” he swallowed. “If that’s not a fucking omen,” he added and hurried in its direction.

“Up,” Gemma declared, poking her head into the room where Brad was sprawled on the bed trying his best to be comfortable in tights and green suede boots.

“Ohh, we going somewhere?” he mused, straightening his tunic and clamping his green feathered hat onto his head.

“Just follow me,” Gemma sighed and Brad eagerly followed her, glad to leave the gaudiness of his room and slightly curious as to where he was. His legs were stiff after being confined to a small space for so long, and his head was a bit fuzzy, but all in all this was the most interesting kidnapping experience he’d had so far. Well, unless you counted when he’d slept with his kidnapper, that was pretty weird. Or when he’d befriended a heavy.

“You’ll need this,” Gemma declared, handing Brad a selection of arrows in a carry case, which he slung over his shoulder, and a bow.

“Are you Maid Marian?” he mused as they descended some dark, winding stairs. Gemma ignored him and Brad started to sing. “Robin Hood and Little John walkin’ through the forest laughin’ back and forth at what the other’ne has to say. Reminiscin’, this-‘n’-thattin’ havin’ such a good time Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally golly, what a day.”

“What are you doing?” she demanded, stopping suddenly.

“Singing. It’s from the Disney version of Robin Hood.”

“Right. Well don’t, okay?” she groused and started walking again.

“Never ever thinkin’ there was danger in the water. They were drinkin’, they just guzzled it down. Never dreamin’ that a schemin’ sheriff and his posse Was a-watchin’ them an’ gatherin’ around.”

“What did I just say?”

“Did you have a repressed childhood or something?”

“Just shut up okay.”

” Robin Hood and Little John. Runnin’ through the forest. Jumpin’ fences, dodgin’ trees…”

“Brad!”

“An’ tryin’ to get away. Contemplatin’ nothin’. But escape an’ fin’lly makin’ it…” Brad smiled as Gemma glared at him. ” Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally. Golly, what a day.”

“You’re so in trouble,” Gemma huffed as they stepped out into the sunlight.

“Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally. Golly, what a day,” Brad finished and beamed at Gemma, who rolled her eyes.

“This way,” she declared, leading him through what was clearly a touristy, makeshift Robin Hood setting. There were people in period costume left, right and centre, and Brad found he fit right in. They walked for a while though the tiny little paths that led mazelike through the whole area until they stopped and gave way to a forest path.

“Where the hell are we?”

“I thought you’d guessed?”

“The Robin Hood thing is kinda obvious, but I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto,” Brad sighed.

“Nottingham. We’re in Nottingham. As in Sheriff of Nottingham.”

“England?”

“No, Barcelona? Of course England!”

“My girlfriend is going to kill me,” Brad sighed. “We were supposed to go to dinner.”

“I’m sure you’ll be reunited soon.”

“What? Why?”

“Are you that stupid? You’re bait. Amy’s trying to lure your girlfriend here as well.”

“But she doesn’t…” Brad paused. “Oh, actually, she’s trying to lure my wife, I imagine.”

“You have a girlfriend and a wife?”

“It’s a long story. You don’t want to hear it.”

“Well, we’ve got a bit of walk, you might as well tell me on the way.”

“Maybe I don’t won’t to converse with one of Amy’s henchwomen.”

“I’ve seen you naked, what more is there to hide?”

“I think that’s really unfair, you getting to see me naked and in a vulnerable state.”

“We’re in no hurry,” Gemma smiled, leaning against a tree. “I can even things up if you like,” she added and started unlacing the front of her dress.

“So are you guys drawing straws to see who’s going to England?” Danny asked.

“No need,” Ritza replied. “I’ll go, the scene there is going to be tougher to deal with than the one here.”

“Oh, but what about Gus?” Gina piped up.

“Mum’ll look after him,” Ritza assured her. “And you can take Dan with you.”

“Hey?” Danny peeped.

“Well, you’re at risk, and we’ve got to stick together,” Gina shrugged and then let out a deep breath. “I guess this is it then, huh?”

“Well, Fen should already be heading to Ohio, I’ve gotta get myself on a flight to England, and you two are about to head to the Snowies.”

“Good luck, and stay in touch,” Gina smiled as the two women shook hands.

“You too,” Ritza nodded.

“Group hug!” Danny demanded and pulled both women into his arms. “It’s going to be a disaster, we’re going to get hurt, and I’m going to need so much therapy I’ll have to ask my shrink to bulk bill.”

“I know,” Gina mused. “I can’t bloody wait!”