“I didn’t hear much from Gina and Paul after they were arguing last night,” Fenny declared as she dropped some bread into the toaster.

“That’ll be because you were asleep,” Brad mused. “And snoring like a yak.”

“How do you know yaks snore?” Fenny countered as she leaned back against the sideboard.

“Because when I was in high school we got drunk and broke into the…Oh look, it’s Gina!” Fenny looked at her husband curiously for a moment and then turned to Gina, who looked tired and sullen.

“Morning,” Fenny smiled, hoping her friend might suddenly perk up.

“Yeah,” Gina muttered. “Sleep well?”

“Wonderfully,” Brad perked. “Apart from when me and Fen noticed you and monkey boy were fighting.”

Gina looked at them both blankly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Fenny and Brad eyed each other a moment but decided not to push it. The toast popping up broke the silence for only a moment.

“So, what are we gonna do today?” Brad piped up. “Sightseeing without a gun to our heads?”

“Sure,” Gina shrugged non-committally as Paul appeared looking as bad, if not worse that his wife.

“Morning Paul,” Fenny chirped. He grunted something that sounded like ‘get fucked’ as Gina sauntered over to the radio and turned it up.

Yeah it seems to me this is going nowhere, baby

Spending all my time just looking for you, lately

It’s been a short, sharp shock living with you, baby

It’s been one hard knock knock living without you, lately

“God, turn it down,” Paul grumbled as he turned the volume down.

“No, I like this song,” Gina scorned and turn it back up.

Everything just seems so unkind to us, baby

And I don’t know why but I’m still here with you, baby

It’s been a short, sharp shock living with you, baby

It’s been one hard knock knock living without you, lately

“It’s too early for loud music,” Paul huffed and turned it down again.

“It’s just one song,” Gina spat, turning it back up. Paul responded by turning it down again and Fenny leapt up before they started attacking each other with kitchen appliances.

“Let’s just turn it off, huh?” She smiled feebly as she switched the radio off.

“Fine,” Gina breathed.

“Suits me,” Paul sneered, grabbing his mug from the sideboard. Gina grabbed her own mug and joined the others at the table. Brad and Fenny looked at each other, sharing the same uncomfortable look.

“Any ideas on where we should go?” Brad yelped as Fenny kicked his shin under the table.

“I fancy a picnic,” Fenny perked. “All of us together. We could catch up properly and see a bit of the country from a non-bullet-ridden car.”

“I’ve got things to do,” Paul announced unconvincingly as he sat at the table.

“Like what?” Fenny asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ve got that ‘Am I Good in Bed Thing’ Tuesday. I’m still learning my lines,” Paul shrugged.

“You have an autocue,” Gina cut in.

“I’m sorry, you’re the expert now, are you?” he groused. “You’ve stood up in front of Australia live on a regular basis, huh?”

“I was just saying…”

“Hey, here’s an idea,” Paul exclaimed, cutting her off. “Why don’t we get Giles to do it?” Gina glared at him a moment before she fled the room looking more upset than angry.

“Right, that’s it,” Fenny declared, getting to her feet. “We’re going on a picnic, and you, McDermott, are getting some pants on and coming with me to buy food.”

“No I’m not,” Paul spat.

Fenny grabbed his mug and tipped the contents down the sink. “Oh yes you are!” He sat speechless as she walked defiantly from the room.

“Have I mentioned she’s grown a spine recently,” Brad mused, sipping his mug of coffee. Paul shot him daggers, pushed his chair back forcefully and stormed out of the room.

“Dude, do you fancy me, or is there a reason you’ve just been staring at me for like the last half hour?” Greg asked as Stuart the hippy therapist leaned against his desk just looking intensely. “Is it the shirt? I mean I know I’m not usually a vertical stripe kinda guy, but…”

“Greg, why do you think you do it?” Stuart suddenly asked.

“Do what?” Greg asked blankly. “Do you want an overview of everything I do, or is there something specific?”

Stuart cocked his head to the side. “Let’s sit down for a moment,” he breathed and got himself comfortable in the lotus position on the floor.

“Man, my hip locked last time we did this,” Greg huffed as he tried to get himself comfortable on the Indian rug, his bones creating an orchestra as he did.

“Tell me Greg, are you aware of the reasons why Jennifer called me?”

“Well Stu, let me think,” Greg mused. “I haven’t tried to kill Aunt Jean, who I might add has decided to stay longer. The sex has been fantastic, I’ve discovered ways my wife could bend that I was never aware of. And we’ve been getting on better than we have in a long time.” He paused a moment. “Did I push the showgirl outfit thing a bit much?”

“Jennifer told me you talked about your affairs together,” Stuart breathed. “While she was aware of Fenny and Gina, the shock of finding out about Ritza has greatly affected her.”

“She asked,” Greg shrugged. “And to be honest, that whole thing is a bit of a blur anyway.”

“She feels not only abused by mistrust, but her self-confidence is at an all time low. The women you have described to me are all very beautiful. Jennifer feels like she can’t compete, like she is the reason you’re turning to other women.”

“What? That’s insane,” Greg gasped. “I had my reasons, however implausible they are, for sleeping with those three women.”

Stuart shook his head. “Greg, you’re getting worked up again,” he warned.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just found out my wife thinks all I’m after is a piece of ass. I’m a tad upset,” Greg sarced.

“You should really do more of those breathing exercises I taught you,” Stuart sighed as he untangled himself from the lotus position and got to his feet. “Have you ever thought about the type of things Jennifer might do if she felt the need to get back at you, seeking some sort of revenge maybe?”

“No, why would she?” Greg shrugged, pulling himself to his feet. “Jen’s not like that.”

“People do out-of-character things when they’re distressed, Greg. They might overindulge with alcohol, hurt themselves physically in some way, or in the case of a spouse being unfaithful, they might to be unfaithful in an attempt to inflict similar pain on their loved one,” Stuart declared.

“Do you know something I don’t?” Greg asked as Stuart’s words seeped into his psyche. “Has my wife been sleeping with someone else?”

“Greg that is something you’ll have to ask her,” Stuart replied.

Greg looked at Stuart curiously and turned toward the door before turning back. “Wait a second. Jen never made this appointment, did she?” He gasped. “You called me.” He paused a moment before his eyes went wide. “YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING MY WIFE AND INVITED ME HERE TO GLOAT!”

“Should we get chips?” Fenny asked as she stopped to look over the shelves of the different flavoured potato products.

“I don’t care,” Paul huffed, leaning miserably over the handle of the trolley.

Fenny slapped him over the head. “Well you should care.”

“Hey,” Paul yelped and glared at her. “No need to get violent over my disinterest in fucking chips.”

“You’ll find that’s not why I hit you,” she scorned.

“Was it because I made you gag over at the mayonnaise?” he mused and was hit again.

“Why are you being horrible to Gina?”

“Why are you being horrible to me?”

“Because you’re a man and deserve it after you and your kind have kept women oppressed for so long, and in fact still do because you’re all idiots.”

“Gee Fen, when did you get so bitter?” he pouted, rubbing his head.

“Since I came here for a nice holiday and you ruined it by upsetting my friend.”

“I’m your friend and she upset me!”

“Oh grow up.”

“She kissed Giles.”

“So? She screwed a guy three months after you were married and you forgave her. She did the horizontal polka with Greg right under your nose and you forgave her. And now she slipped and kissed a guy who was there for her when you were off boffing Freya who, unlike Giles for much longer, is still very much in Gina’s everyday life.”

“You’re as bad as her,” Paul snapped. “It’s not fair. It’s never Gina’s fault, it’s always mine.”

“Well you’re the one having a tantrum over it,” Fenny snapped back. “You should be grateful she felt she could be honest with you. And you know why she feels that? Because — and this might come as a surprise to you — she loves you insanely.”

“If she loves me why’d she kiss Giles?” he groused.

“It’s no different to you letting Freya suck your dick,” she said bluntly.

“Fen we’re in a supermarket!” he gasped. “You can’t say that.”

“I just did.” She raised an eyebrow, smiled at on old lady who was standing there shocked and turned back to the brightly coloured packets of chips. “I think I’ll just get plain.”

“Is there a reason that you have a hole shaped like a roller in your ceiling?” Brad asked, sauntering out onto the back verandah where Gina was sitting.

“Paul was possum hunting,” she sniffed, wiping her eyes. “We haven’t had a chance to fix it.”

“I’ll give it a go if you like,” Brad smiled, sitting beside her. “My dad put his foot through our ceiling once and I was roped into fixing it.”

“How’d he manage that?”

“No idea. To this day we don’t know why he was up there,” he shrugged, making her giggle. “You okay?”

“Ecstatic, can’t you see my tears of happiness?”

“He’ll come round,” Brad soothed, putting a comforting arm around her. “You know you two are incapable of fighting.”

“I don’t know what he’s angrier about,” Gina breathed, resting her head on Brad’s shoulder. “The fact I kissed Giles or that Giles wears beige pants?”

“I think it’s the beige pants,” he nodded and they both sniggered.

“How’s things with Fen?”

“Oh, like she hasn’t given you a full blown report with pie charts.”

“I find it thoroughly entertaining that you call her Madame Fenella when she’s dressed in ‘Amsterdam Whore’ chic,” she teased.

“She told you that!” he gasped.

“Gives a whole new meaning to plugging the dyke, huh?” Gina cackled, saw the look on Brad’s face and took off up the garden.

“Do you think I got enough potato salad?” Fenny asked as she and Paul arrived back at the house.

“Fen you could feed the entire population of Somalia with the amount of potato salad you bought,” Paul replied as they despotised the bags on the kitchen table.

“Where’s your wife and my husband?” Fenny as they heard the backdoor open and close amongst a lot of giggling and shrieking.

“Put me down, you bastard,” Gina laughed as Brad carried her into the kitchen over his shoulder. They were both covered in grass and dirt, and Brad had several twigs poking out of his hair.

“I don’t want to know,” Fenny declared.

“You told her about our role playing,” Brad announced.

“Oh the Madame Fenella thing,” Paul grinned.

“You told him!” Brad gasped.

“Hello? Can you put me down?” Gina asked and was quickly placed back on her feet.

“I don’t see what your problem is?” Fenny shrugged. “They do a Swedish porn thing.”

“Really?” Brad asked, looking at Gina and Paul curiously.

“Yeah, they have funny voices and…” Fenny’s voice trailed off. “I’m gonna organise the potato salad.”

“Honey, I think we need to talk,” Brad groused as he removed the twigs from his hair.

“I better get cleaned up,” Gina announced, catching Paul’s eye. He tried to fight a smile but couldn’t.

“I’ll hunt out the picnic blanket,” he shrugged and broke into a giggle in the hallway.

“Do we have to pay?” Paul asked as Gina steered the Beetle toward a small tollbooth.

“Yeah,” she replied, smiling at the woman in the booth.

“How are you today?” the woman asked.

“Fine,” Gina replied. “We’re just having a picnic.”

“That’s six dollars then,” the woman nodded.

“You got six bucks?” Gina asked, looking at Paul whose frown only deepened as he hunted the money out of his wallet. “Thanks,” she mused and handed the woman in the booth the money. The woman handed Gina a map of the park, which she passed on to Fenny and Brad.

“Six bucks to enter a national park, that’s ludicrous!” Paul declared. “Why should we have to pay to enjoy nature?”

“You haven’t been on a picnic for a long time, have you?” Gina chided.

“I think it’s bullshit,” he scowled.

“I know, honey,” she teased as she looked for picnic spot. Eventually, after much prodding from Fenny, they chose a spot shaded by several large gums.

“This is stunning,” Fenny declared, taking in the ghost gums, parched grass and mossy rocks.

“It’s called a drought,” Paul jeered. “Everything is dead.”

“And what’s not dead is charcoal,” Gina nodded as they grabbed the food and drinks and wandered over to the picnic table.

“We’ll just put the blanket over the table to cover the bird shit,” Gina giggled, noticing the familiar white splodges on the parched wood.

“Oh my god, what’s that!” Brad gasped, noticing movement in the nearby trees as they started unpacking the food.

“It’s an emu, mate,” Paul laughed.

“Are they dangerous?” Fenny asked.

“Fucking have your eye out,” Paul replied seriously. “Their beaks can shatter a man’s skull in three hits.”

“He’s being an idiot,” Gina scorned as she sat down. “It’s two hits.”

“Oh great, viscous giant birds,” Fenny whined. “Anything else we should be wary of?”

Gina and Paul looked at each other a moment. “Are you going to tell them or should I?” Gina asked.

“I’ll do it,” Paul replied. “I hate to worry you in any way, but just keep an eye out for drop bears, yeah? They live in the trees, and when you’re not looking, they fall on your head and rip your brain out through your nose.”

“Yeah right,” Brad mused.

“It’s true,” Gina nodded and looking cautiously at the branches above her. “Viscous bastards.”

Brad and Fenny looked at each other, trying to work out if they should believe in drop bears or not. The foursome was halfway through their picnic lunch when the emu and four of her friends decided to appear from the bush.

“Oh my god, they’re coming for us,” Fenny gasped and quickly made a mental list of places to hide.

“They won’t come near us,” Gina giggled as the lead emu stopped to stare at them a moment before dropping her long neck to peck at the ground.

“No offence to your native wildlife, but they are butt ugly,” Brad declared. The emu swiftly lifted its head and focussed its attention on Brad. “Except you, you’re beautiful,” he babbled.

Paul cacked and got to his feet. He walked defiantly toward the emus who looked nonplussed. “Go on, fuck off,” he hissed, puffing out his chest until three emus started moving toward him and he scurried backwards, nearly stacking it on a rock.

“Ha!” Gina laughed and he gave her the finger but she didn’t care. The panicked expression on his face had been worth it.

“Is there a bathroom around here?” Fenny asked as she finished the last of her soda.

“Over there,” Paul nodded, motioning to an unattractive brick building.

“Looks inviting,” Fenny mused as she got to her feet.

“Is it just me or are those beautiful, yet enormous and freaky native birds following my wife?” Brad asked, cocking his head to the side as the flock congregated outside the toilet block.

“Yeah, I’d say they are, mate,” Paul nodded.

“Lucky Fen is peeing before she notices, then,” Gina giggled, causing Brad and Paul to laugh too.

Fenny washed her hands and dried them on her jeans. She was pleased Paul and Gina seemed to at least be getting along now, and was dying to get back and pull out her sketchbook. She headed toward the door and let out a silent scream as she noticed the five pairs of beady eyes that were staring back at her.

“Go away,” she managed to utter at the large birds that just looked at her blankly. “Shoo!”

“Oh this is cruel,” Gina giggled. “We should go save her.”

“You save her,” Paul countered. “Those bastards have already tried to take a piece out of me and Sherwood.”

“You two are so gutless,” Gina sighed. “Not only do I save you from psychopaths, but from birds as well,” she added, getting to her feet and walking toward the toilet block, Fenny, and the birds. The emus, startled by her approach, took off at a jog toward the trees.

“Don’t you dare laugh at me,” Fenny ordered as she peeled herself away from the wall, but by the time Gina reached her, she was laughing hysterically.

“You should have seen your face,” Gina cackled and mocked Fenny’s expression.

“Oh shut up,” Fenny huffed and started walking back toward the picnic table.

“FEN!” Gina yelled. Fenny turned around and before she could reply went arse up over a rock. “Ha, too easy,” Gina giggled.

“I HATE YOU!” Fenny screamed as Gina jogged over to her. “Help me up,” she ordered and Gina took her hand only to be pulled down into the dirt.

“Any idea what they’re doing?” Brad asked.

“No, but I wish they were in jelly,” Paul replied.

“In bikinis in jelly,” Brad grinned.

“Butt naked in jelly,” Paul cackled as they both nodded.

“So, you and Gina on talking terms again then?” Brad asked. “No offence but you’re both just annoying when you’re fighting.”

“I dunno,” Paul shrugged as Fenny and Gina reappeared, dusting themselves off.

“We’ve decided if you two want to do that in the future, you have be naked in jelly,” Brad declared with a stupid grin.

“Was this a combined decision?” Gina asked.

“Yes,” the men replied together.

“And now for a subtle change of subject,” Fenny announced. “Would anyone be opposed to me sketching?”

“Hey, you know what you should do? There is walking trail that starts just over there. It leads to the most gorgeous secluded lookout, it’d be a much better scene to sketch,” Gina enthused.

“Good idea,” Fenny perked. “I’ve gotten quite used to walking. We don’t all need to go,” she continued. “Come on Brad, let’s go and leave these two to catch up.”

“But I…” Brad paused. “Coming sweetheart,” he added as she passed him her backpack and they headed toward the start of the trail. Gina and Paul sat in silence for a few moments until Gina started packing up the picnic things and Paul made people out of twigs, leaves and gumnuts.

“You know, that wasn’t exactly subtle,” Brad mused as they headed down the track.

“They need to talk,” Fenny shrugged as she dodged a low hanging branch.

“So other than the fact our hosts want to kill each other, how are you enjoying the vacation so far?”

“Yeah, it’s not bad,” Fenny nodded. “I’ll be happier if I avoid the wrath of the emus.”

“Never fear, I’ll protect you,” he grinned and wrapped an arm around her and pulled her to his side.

“Yeah right,” she snorted.

“Hey,” he whined, pulling his arm back.

“I’m sorry,” she giggled. “But it’s not really one of your strong points, is it?”

“Better than being a professional hostage,” he countered.

“Least I’m good at it,” she grinned. “In fact I’m thinking of starting a course at the night school. How to be a hostage, a step by step guide for the frequently kidnapped.”

“It worries me you’ve thought that out.”

“Had to do something when you went all chaste on me.”

“That’s right, bring it back to my short comings,” Brad huffed as Fenny hoisted herself over a rock.

“It’s a knack. Like that five degrees of Kevin Bacon thing. Or is it ten degrees? I can never remember,” she mused, stopping to wait for him to get over the rock.

“What?” he gasped.

“You have to find out how many people it takes you to get to Kevin Bacon.”

“Why?”

“I dunno.”

“Well, he thought I was a valet once at a restaurant,” Brad shrugged. “Does that count?”

“That’s one, that’s no fair,” Fenny huffed.

“That makes it two for you,” he perked.

“You’ve just ruined that game,” she pouted. “It used to be 46 for me.”

“Fine, let’s pick someone else,” he declared. “Halle Berry.”

“Why Halle Berry?”

“Because I like her.”

“Why are having this conversation?”

“Because you said something about me being an idiot and linked it to Kevin Bacon.”

She paused to check the trail marker. “Let’s just not talk anymore, okay?”

“Can I stop and kiss you at various intervals?” he asked, wrapping his arm around her as they started walking again.

“Only if you start now,” she replied as they stopped walking and started kissing.

“Can we just stop walking and kiss instead?” Brad breathed.

“Nope,” Fenny grinned, grabbing his hand and leading him further down the trail.

Gina sat herself on top of the picnic table, her feet on the bench as she looked out at the parched scrubland. Since Brad and Fenny had left to walk to the lookout, Paul and Gina hadn’t said a word to each other. She was beginning to feel miserable and uncomfortable and just wanted to go home. She heard the crunching of bark underfoot and looked to see Paul carrying two ice creams.

“Went to the kiosk,” he mused, passing her an ice cream and climbing onto the table beside her.

“Thanks,” she smiled as they fell silent again.

“I hate this,” he announced suddenly.

“Hate what?” she asked, licking her ice cream.

“Trying to hate you,” he pouted. “I’m trying really hard to, as well.”

“You’ve convinced me if that’s any help.”

“Sorry, I feel terrible.”

“You feel terrible? But I’m that one that was unfaithful.”

“Yeah well, as you frequently point out, I’m not exactly the poster child for monogamy either.”

“No, you’re a bit of a slut,” she chided.

Paul giggled and nearly got ice cream up his nose. “We’re a couple of whores.”

“Does this mean we’re cool? Or are we just calling a truce until Fen and Brad go home?”

“Let’s see how things pan out, hey?” Paul smiled and rested his free hand on her thigh.

“Oh please,” Gina grinned and brought her lips to his. “Hmm rum and raisin.”

“It was the closest I could get to a stiff drink,” Paul chided.

“Suppose we should go and find Brad and Fen,” she sighed, averting her attention back to her ice cream, her free hand moving over Paul’s, which was still on her thigh.

“Do we have to? It’s an Australian tradition to lose American tourists.”

“Yes, and don’t worry, I’ll show you a short cut,” she perked, climbing off the table. They headed toward the start of the walking trail still licking their ice creams.

“It should be just up here” Fenny panted, pushing back an overgrown shrub.

“Thank Christ for that,” Brad groaned as they ascended a small rock face.

“Finally we’re…” Fenny’s voice trailed off as she got to her feet. “How the hell did you two get here?” she gasped as Paul and Gina sat snuggled together looking relaxed and comfortable.

“Fucking hell, look at you two,” Paul sniggered, pulling down his sunglasses to get a good look at his sunburnt and frazzled friends.

“How the—? Do you have a secret helicopter pad around here or something?” Brad gasped, falling onto the small rocky lookout and hunting out his water bottle.

“No,” Gina mused. “We bush bashed.”

“You what?” Brad and Fenny said together as they sat recuperating.

“Well, it’s supposed to take families an hour to get here via the walking trail. However, if you go in a straight line through the scrub, you can do it in 20 minutes.”

Brad and Fenny looked at Gina and Paul shocked. “I think I want to cry,” Fenny groaned, falling back onto the cool rocks.

“My wife’s a genius,” Paul perked.

“Yes I am,” Gina nodded.

“When I can feel my legs again, I’m going to push you off,” Fenny declared. Gina and Paul both gave her the finger and grinned.