“What does it mean when you meathook someone?” Gina asked as she pored over a pile of printouts.

“I don’t know, but I have a feeling it might hurt,” Paul nodded as he stroked the mongoose’s rough fur. “Is there an ice cream van about?”

“Idiot,” Fenny sighed and slapped his arm as she stood up. “That’s my phone,” she added and pulled her phone from her pocket. “Hello?”

“How are you lot doing?” Beven asked, his voice slightly hushed.

“Not bad. We’ve donated a stack of money to charity, promised deals Don can’t possibly make, and given you a pay raise.”

“Thank Christ at least a couple of you have brains.”

“That’s because we’re women. Paul’s been playing with a mongoose all afternoon.”

“Still more productive than the two dickheads playing cards.”

“Dare I ask?”

“They’re fine when they’re not trying to kill or maim each other.”

“I feel I should apologise.”

“Don’t worry about it. By the way, what on earth is it about popcorn?”

Fenny let out an audible squeak. “How’s everyone else doing?”

“Greg should be here soon, and I haven’t heard from Ritza.”

“Right.”

“How much more have you got to look through?”

“Lots. The man has so much paperwork I can understand the need for logging.”

“Well you’re clear to stay there until you’re finished, you shouldn’t be due any nasty surprises.”

“Okay then.”

“I better get back, I’ll call again in the morning.”

“Right boss.”

Beven chuckled, “Hmm I could get used to this.”

Fenny ended the call and dropped her phone onto the desk. “That was Beven, says we can stay here until we’re done.”

“Excellent,” Paul smiled. “Does this mean we can have a break and chill for a while?”

“Chill, huh?” Fenny teased.

“Keeping up with the lingo of the street, hey?” Gina giggled. “Let’s get groovy, man.”

“I say one word,” Paul declared, “one word and you pick on me.”

“Hey McDermott,” Fenny announced, “make love, not war.”

“Damn and to think I left my extra wide flares and peace sign pendant at home,” Gina chimed in.

“Let’s go drop acid and protest about trees,” Fenny sniggered.

“I hate both of you,” Paul huffed and headed for the door. He stopped, turned around, grabbed the mongoose and left. Fenny and Gina descended into fits of laughter.

Greg arrived in Newcastle and parked the car at the club. He was slightly startled to realize that he wasn’t alone. There were half a dozen familiar dark cars parked there as well. The drivers of the cars, all brutish-looking goons, were standing in a couple of groups sharing cigarettes and booze. Greg gripped the steering wheel tightly. He’d done everything Beven had told him to: flashy sports car and a nice dark suit. Reluctantly he prized his fingers from the wheel and slid out into the rapidly cooling evening air. The heavies looked over at him and then went back to their conversation, Greg let out a relieved sigh and headed across the road to a take away food shop he’d noticed on the way in. He sidled into the shop and found himself making sure he could keep an eye on things through the window.

“Whatcha want?” asked a small man in the strangest accent Greg had ever heard.

Greg looked at the man who seemed engulfed by the counter. “Er, just a burger, thanks.”

“Watcha want on it mon?”

“Everything, the lot,” Greg replied hoping that was the right answer. The man nodded and busied himself while Greg walked to a fridge full of drinks and looked outside again. The heavies were checking out his car and he had a sudden fear that he might loose his hubcaps.

“One pound fifty mon,” the man behind the counter piped up.

“Huh? Oh right. And this,” Greg smiled, pointing out the bottle of coke he’d grabbed. The man tallied the price and Greg paid with a fifty, which looked slightly suspicious, but he hoped the man behind the counter hoped he was just a stupid, rich American tourist.

“Looks like I win again, gentlemen,” Danny perked as he took the pile of money in the centre of the table.

“Well aren’t you just a fucking golden boy,” Brad hissed.

“It’s just a game, Braddles,” Danny sighed.

“Oh, so that’s what you call it?”

“Have you gone completely mental?”

“Me? You’re the one with the obsession with my wife.”

“She wasn’t your wife when we were together. In fact she wasn’t even really with you.”

“Still can’t leave her alone, can you?”

“How do you know it’s me that makes the moves on her?”

“What are you insinuating?” Brad snarled, leaning across the table.

“What do you think?” Danny smiled, his face inches from Brad’s.

“Outside,” Brad ordered, startling the already curious onlookers.

“Fellas,” Beven sighed.

“Fine,” Danny agreed as Brad led the way out of the room. They got as far as the bar when Brad stopped.

“I’m looking forward to this, you’ve been riding me since I met you.”

“I’ve belted you once and I’ll do it again,” Danny threatened as Brad laid the first punch in Danny’s stomach. Danny, who was physically stronger than Brad, instinctively gave a right hook to Brad’s face. Brad staggered backwards, got his bearings and charged at Danny. They wrestled, smacked against the bar, broke several glasses and then, just like that scene with Hugh Grant and Colin Firth in Bridget Jones’s Diary, went flying through the window.

“What the fuck?” Greg gasped and ran out of the take away shop. “Jesus,” he added as he saw his two friends on the ground.

Danny was first to his feet. His hands and face had been cut, but he pulled off his jacket and chucked it on the ground. “Come on, yank,” he spat.

Brad pulled himself to his feet. “That hurt,” he whined, but before he could do anything Danny laid another punch into his stomach. “Bastard,” he hissed and leapt at Danny. They laid a few more punches into each other as a crowd had started to form.

“Oi, stop it, the pair of yas,” Beven ordered.

Danny pushed Brad away and turned around, breathless and bleeding.

“She doesn’t love you, she never has,” Brad panted. Danny turned around quickly and decked Brad who fell onto the road, dazed but not unconscious.

“I don’t think she’s the problem,” Danny breathed. “I think it’s you.”

“On that note, let’s go back to happy thoughts,” Greg chimed in, looking at Beven for help.

“Me? She’s my wife,” Brad gasped, trying to sit up.

“Doesn’t mean you love her,” Danny replied, pushed Brad back down with his foot and looked at Greg. “Open the car.”

Greg did so obediently and slightly scared of Danny. Danny fell into the back seat and tried to wipe some of the blood from his face.

“Nothing to see here, folks,” Beven piped up and escorted the crowd back inside and away from where Brad was sprawled on the road.

“You remind me of my Mum,” Paul smiled as he ate a mouthful of soup. Gina had whipped up a pot after a search for food produced nothing but a few vegetables.

“Okay, that’s slightly creepy,” Gina mused.

“Yeah, you kinky freak,” Fenny added.

“I didn’t mean…not like…you two are filthy,” Paul huffed. “I mean, I don’t know many other women, other than my mother, who could find a few veggies in a kitchen and make a meal.”

“It’s really not that challenging,” Gina shrugged.

“You talk about your Mom a lot, yet we’ve never seen her. I’m starting to think she doesn’t exist,” Fenny jeered.

“I’m gonna chain you up outside with those fucking dogs soon,” Paul grumbled.

“Oh, speaking of which, I noticed a couple of cans of dog food in the pantry,” Fenny perked as she got to her feet. “I’m going to feed them.”

“Oh, you want a hand?” Gina asked.

“No she doesn’t,” Paul replied.

“Right, well,” Gina shrugged. “Good luck.”

“If you hear screams, don’t ignore them,” Fenny chided as she bounded into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to hear her screams,” Paul mused.

“Excuse me?”

“Let’s go explore,” Paul perked and pulled Gina to her feet. He led her from the living room, up several flights of polished wooden stairs, along a shadowy hallway.

“I hope there’s a reason for this,” she mused.

“Course there is,” he smiled as he stopped outside one of the humongous oak doors. “I found this,” he added and opened the door. Inside was obviously the master bedroom: an extravagant four-poster bed set off a heavily draped room with countless pieces of antique furniture.

“Wow, this must be Don’s room,” she gasped as she sauntered inside.

“I hope so,” he perked and moved behind her, his hands sliding onto her waist.

“Did you know Billy Bob Thornton has a phobia of antiques?” she announced and pulled away from him a little.

“Do you really think I care?” he asked as he attempted to drop kisses on her neck.

“Paul,” Gina breathed and turned to look at him. “This room is gorgeous and the gesture is sweet and all but, well, it’s a tad predictable.”

“Predictable? We only didn’t do it last night because I was in pain, but I have pills now,” he pouted.

“I know hon, but this is hardly romantic,” she said sheepishly. “Let’s have a quickie while Fen’s with the canines.”

“You want romance?” Paul sighed. “Bloody women,” he added and pulled her into his arms. She smiled and wrapped her arms around him, he swayed gently and they started to slow dance and then he started to sing.

“Oh, My love

My darling

I’ve hungered for your touch

A long lonely time”

“Paul,” Gina giggled as he backed her toward the bed.

“And time goes by so slowly

And time can do so much”

They tripped over a moth bitten rug and landed on the bed. Paul let out a hiss of breath but managed to continue.

“Are you still mine?”

She tried to crawl up the bed but he grabbed her and pinned her to the duvet.

“I need your love

I need your love

God speed your love to me”

She started to giggle and he dropped kisses on her neck. She tried to pull him into a kiss but instead he sat up, straddling her and belted out the next verse.

“Lonely rivers flow

To the sea, to the sea

To the open arms of the sea, yeah”

She pushed him back onto the bed and started to nip at his chest as she worked the buttons on his shirt. But still, he persisted.

“Lonely rivers sigh

Wait for me, wait for me

I’ll be coming home

Wait for me”

“You can shut up now,” she giggled once all the buttons of his shirt were undone.

“Oh, My love

My darling

I’ve hungered, hungered for you touch

A long lonely time

And time goes by

So slowly

And time can do so much

Are you still mine?”

Gina started trailing kisses up his chest but ended up in fits of laughter and gave up.

“I need your love

I, I need your love

God speed you love me.” Paul hit the final high note and winced

“You okay?” Gina gasped.

“Never better,” he lied. “Was that romantic enough? I can go into a verse or two of something else if you like?”

“That was beautiful,” she smiled as she fell back onto the bed. He rolled onto his side; he pulled her close and brushed his lips over hers.

“Sorry I broke your heart,” she sighed.

“You and a couple of goons,” Paul smiled as Gina’s fingers moved over several of his bruises. “You were all I thought about, you know, stuck with Claudia, walking the streets of Amsterdam, trapped in that truck. I thought if I could get back to you, everything would be okay.”

“Aw Pauly,” Gina gushed and held him as close as she could as they kissed.

“I hope Fen’s distracted with those dogs for a while,” he breathed.

“Fen who?” she giggled as she kissed him again.

Fenny had been pleased to find that the dogs were placid when you approached them with bowls of food. Feeling quite the animal activist, she also found a container big enough to give them water and the dogs seemed very much appreciative for it. She went back to the house and was surprised to hear the final notes of “Unchained Melody” somewhere in the house. Fenny had a fair idea what Gina and Paul were up to, and decided to try and find something to occupy herself, although the stark Edwardian house really had little to offer in the way of entertainment. There was no television, stereo or DVD player. In fact, she couldn’t even see a battery-operated radio. In the end she grabbed a dusty book from one of the shelves, got herself comfy in an armchair near the roaring fire, and started to read, glad it was a big house so she didn’t have to listen to the other two.

“I hope you two are proud,” Beven hissed as he frog marched both Brad and Danny into a hotel room.

“He started it,” Brad huffed as he dabbed Greg’s hankie at his nose.

“He won, too,” Greg smirked and copped daggers from Brad. “Very convincingly.”

“It’s not my fault Sherwood can’t handle the truth,” Danny shrugged. Brad leapt toward Danny but Beven stopped him.

“Can you two try and be nice to each other for just a few minutes, huh?” He scowled. “You nearly cost us the fucking game, and the entire plan almost went to shit.”

“What did you use as an excuse? Stupidity?” Greg mused.

“Something like that,” Beven sighed. “If either of you even think about giving a snide remark to each other again, I will crush both your kneecaps. Understand?” he added.

“Yes sir,” Brad and Danny breathed together.

“Good. Now Greg, take Dan into the next room and help him clean up,” Beven ordered and threw a set of keys to Greg. Danny followed without being asked.

Beven turned to Brad and shook his head. “I think it’s broken,” Brad declared, motioning to his nose.

“It’s not broken,” Beven growled. “Go and get cleaned up.”

“I’m sorry, you don’t understand…”

“I thought you were better than that, man? You wanted to help your friends, and what do you do? Fight like a couple of fucking children.”

“I had my reasons.”

“What reasons? Who did the girl marry? You.”

“Yeah but…”

“Get cleaned up. With any luck we can pass this off as a drunken brawl.”

“I do love her, you know,” Brad called from the bathroom. “Despite what that…Dan…says.”

“Yeah, shame you’re a shit fighter.”

“I got a couple of punches in,” Brad huffed, poking his head out from the bathroom.

“Like a girl,” Beven teased as he flopped down on one of the beds.

“That was really funny when you decked him,” Greg perked as Danny chucked him his shirt.

“Stupid prick, he doesn’t get it,” Danny huffed as he ran some warm water and hunted out a couple of towels.

“Doesn’t get what?” Greg asked.

“Me and Fen,” Danny sighed. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be madly in love with a woman who you have a connection with, a connection that no one else would ever understand?”

“Believe it or not, I do. They burst into your life, steal your heart, fuck your brains out…”

“And break your heart every time you see them.”

Greg nodded. “They’re like a drug. The addiction, the highs, the lows, and the painful withdrawals.”

“And you try and pretend that everything is okay, but it’s not,” Danny breathed and clenched his fists. “It’s fucking not.”

“Look, believe me when I say no one will say a word to Brad about what happened last night,” Greg said reassuringly.

“I don’t care what he thinks, I didn’t make a pass at her. She just stripped off…” Danny declared.

“I’ve been there,” Greg nodded with a smile. “It was good,” he added, remembering the man beside him had just pulverized one of his friends.

“How’d you get over Gina?” Danny asked, “She told me once.”

“I didn’t. I mean, I haven’t. I think I’ve sent my shrink to counselling.”

“How can you cope being so close to her? It drives me insane being close to Fen and not being able to even touch her.”

“Denial mostly. Something I learned from Fen. Although, last night I thought maybe, just maybe…”

They fell silent for a moment as Danny dabbed at his cuts and checked out his black eye. “We’re pathetic.”

“I think this calls for some serious drinking.”

“I agree,” Danny nodded. “Ouch, shit dammit.”

“That’ll learn ya,” Greg smirked. “Wouldn’t catch me falling through glass windows.”

“I can throw you through one,” Danny mused with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m gonna check the bar fridge,” Greg swallowed and scurried back into the room, dumping Danny’s shirt on a chair.

“We should go back to Fen,” Paul sighed, nuzzling into Gina’s neck.

“Don’t wanna,” Gina cooed as she caught his lips with hers.

“Neither do I, but we should check she hasn’t been mauled,” Paul chided as he slid out of bed and started hunting around for his clothes in the dark.

“Aw don’t spoil the moment,” Gina grinned as she tried to unbutton his shirt as he tried to do it up.

“Get off, mad woman,” he giggled suppressing her with a kiss. “We should stick together.”

“I thought we had?” she giggled, attacking his belt. He cracked up and was forced to fend her off as he got dressed. She reluctantly got dressed and they headed back toward the living room.

“Pauly,” Gina cooed as she grabbed him from behind on the stairs.

“Yes, my horny little housewife,” Paul mused.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Now calm down or I’m giving you a cold shower.”

“Promises, promises,” she sniggered. They ended up tumbling into the living room in fits of giggles.

“I don’t want to know,” Fenny smiled as she looked up from the book about badgers she’d been trying to read.

“We left a tiny genetic code on Don’s sheets,” Paul chided.

“Already, too much information,” Fenny sighed and set the book down. “Shall I show you what I discovered?”

“Is it Kama Sutra position number 53, the dancing bilby?” Paul mused.

“No,” Fenny laughed and approached the couch. She grabbed the bottom and pulled, it moved a little, but not enough and she fell on her butt.

“Well that’s mighty impressive, Fen,” Gina teased and went over to help her. They both grabbed the couch and pulled it and it folded out into a sofa bed.

“Cool, this means we can bunk together,” Paul chirped and jumped into the middle.

“I found pillows and sheets in the hall,” Fenny added and pointed to the pile on the floor next to the chair she’d been sitting in.

“Well aren’t you just all prepared,” Gina perked and they set about setting up the sofa bed. All three then kicked off their shoes and snuggled under the blankets. Gina wrapped her arms around Paul.

“Come on Fen, snuggle up,” Paul mused and lifted his arm for her.

“You two won’t try anything kinky with me?” Fenny chided and snuggled into Paul.

“Well, Gina might, but my poor body couldn’t take it,” Paul replied.

“You know, if it wasn’t for the fact this place belongs to a guy who’s trying to kill us, it’d be quite fun,” Gina sighed.

“Well at least Paul’s living a fantasy,” Fenny giggled.

“If only you two were butt naked,” Paul grinned, as both Fenny and Gina let out squeals as they felt his roaming hands on their butts.

Fenny slapped his hand. “If nothing else it’s going to be an interesting night.”

Ritza sat in her underwear at the hotel window looking out over Amsterdam. She’d gone back to Don’s hotel room with him but was saved having to do any more than share his slobbery kisses. His bullet wound meant his couldn’t have sex even if he’d wanted, and he’d been so drunk he’d passed out by the time she had reappeared from the bathroom. She made several loud movements, door closing, and drawer opening amongst other things, so she assumed it was safe to paw through Don’s things. His wallet contained only a little money, most of it having been spent on alcohol that night, she imagined. Several different ID’s and credit cards, and a piece of paper with a load of phone numbers on it she didn’t recognise but programmed them all into her phone. On the dresser there were a set of keys and a cell phone, which she recognised instantly as Greg’s. She rifled though the messagebank but there was nothing noteworthy. In the drawer closest to the bed she found Fenny’s glasses. She lifted them out and Don let out a grunt and turned over. Ritza let out a low breath and closed the drawer again. She noticed another cell phone on the floor beneath the bed and picked it up. She checked the voice mail and a chill went down her spine.

“Boss, we have a traitor in the midst. Beven is helping those fucking Yanks and Australians. Just give us the word and we’ll silence him.”

Ritza wiped the message, and looked back at Don. She was tempted to put a bullet in his brain herself.

“It’s too quiet,” Fenny sighed, poking Paul in the ribs.

“Doesn’t help this place is creepy,” Gina added and gripped Paul a bit tighter.

A smile spread across Paul’s face,

“Oh, I could hide beneath the wings

Of the bluebird as she sings

The six o’clock alarm would never ring

But it rings and I rise

Wipe the sleep out of my eyes

My shaving razor’s cold and it stings,” he giggled. “Okay, join in the chorus.”

“Cheer up Sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen”

Gina and Fenny started to giggle and Paul looked at Fenny,

“You once thought of me

As a white night on a steed”

“Ha, you wish,” Fenny cackled

“Now you know how happy I can be,” Paul sang as he pulled the blankets over her head and looked to Gina.

“And our good times start and end

Without a dollar one to spend

But how much baby do we really need”

Fenny managed to reappear for the chorus, which the three managed to belt out through giggles.

“Cheer up Sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen”

“Again,” Paul cackled.

“Cheer up Sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen”

They laughed hard until Gina managed to catch her breath. “Are victims supposed to sing bad 60s songs?”

“Oh who knows,” Paul sniggered.

“That was fun. Is it wrong to say I haven’t had that much fun since Paul was radio the time before the last time we were kidnapped?” Fenny asked before descending into laughter again.

“Sing something else, Pauly,” Gina cooed.

“Any requests?” he asked wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes.

“‘Wild Thing’,” Gina grinned.

“Wild thing, I think I love you but I wanna know for sure,” Paul belted out.

“Oh yes,” Gina purred and grabbed him.

“Ohh,” Paul smiled and made a mental note to remember that song.

“No, I think he should sing something else,” Fenny declared and pulled him away from Gina before they started copulating like pack animals. “Something we can all join in with.”

“Okay, you two have to be my back up chicks,” Paul declared.

“Of course,” Gina cooed, still delirious over the one line of ‘Wild Thing’

“Over bridge of sighs

To rest my eyes in shades of green

Under dreamin’ spires

To Itchycoo Park, that’s where I’ve been”

“Ready?” Paul mused

“What did you do there?” Gina and Fenny sang

“I got high”

“Me too,” Gina giggled

“What did you feel there?”

“Well I cried”

“You big girl,” Fenny teased

“But why the tears there?”

“I’ll tell you why

It’s all too beautiful

It’s all too beautiful

It’s all too beautiful

It’s all too beautiful”

“You’re full of bullshit, Pauly,” Gina chided.

“Feel inclined to blow my mind

Get hung up feed the ducks with a bun

They all come out to groove about

Be nice and have fun in the sun”

“You’re both deadshits,” Paul giggled.

“Tell you what I’ll do”

“What will you do?” Gina and Fenny sniggered and they leaned in close, Paul looked at them both wearily.

“I’d like to go there now with you

You can miss out school ”

“You dirty old perve,” Fenny gasped.

“You’ll get arrested,” Gina added.

“Where echoes have learned the words of fools,” Paul sang. “You two being the fools.”

“What will we do there?”

“We’ll get high”

“What will we touch there?” Paul looked at the blankets and had to stop himself laughing.

“We’ll touch the sky”

“But why the tears then?”

“I’ll tell you why”

“Go on” Gina chided.

“It’s all too beautiful

It’s all too beautiful

It’s all too beautiful

It’s all too beautiful”

Paul, Fenny and Gina descended into fits of laughter again. It didn’t matter that they had no idea where the others were or they were in a madman’s house. On the contrary, they were having fun and that was exactly what they so desperately needed.