“Do you think they’ll let us visit the Louvre?” Fenny asked as the boat’s engine coughed into life.

Paul gave a small laugh. “Yeah, they look like culture buffs.”

“You never know, that heavy you belted with the bolt cutters, he might be the most beautiful painter in oils.”

“Any red specks on his hands are more likely blood than paint.”

“Well that’s just negative,” Fenny chided.

“You are sounding too amused.”

“Well, some people never get kidnapped once in their lives and we’ve managed to get ourselves abducted twice. I think it’s quite an achievement,” she perked.

“I’ll have it added to my next press release, shall I,” he teased. “Paul McDermott, former Doug Anthony Allstar, host of Good News Week and frequent abductee…”

“I’ll have it put on my business cards,” Fenny giggled. “Fenella Grey, professional victim.”

They both started sniggering but stopped just as quickly when the boat lurched. Paul hissed through his teeth. “By jingo, don’t let it do that too often.”

“You vomit on me and I won’t be happy,” Fenny declared.

“If it’s not rough I should be ok,” Paul breathed and took several deep breaths to steady himself.

The boat lurched again and Fenny let out an audible squeak. “If this boat sinks and we die, will you promise to keep me amused in the afterlife?”

“I’d love to, but I’ll be in the fiery pits of hell while you’ll be playing quoits up in heaven with God and Elvis,” he teased.

“I like that image for reasons I just can’t explain,” she mused. “What will you be doing in hell?”

“I’ll probably get sodomized by the horned master, while Hitler and Pol Pot play elastics with the intestines of some poor unfortunate soul,” he sighed.

“We could always stay in limbo?” she shrugged.

“Oh yeah, I love that game,” he enthused and began to sing, “…under the limbo stick…”

Fenny started to giggle and Paul lost it and they both ended up laughing hysterically.

“You realise it’s going to take us longer to get to London than to actually get to France,” Gina announced.

“How long does it take to get to France?” Brad asked.

“Twenty minutes,” Gina mused.

“How long will it takes us to get to London?”

“A couple of hours.”

“How long will it take us to get to Paris?”

“I don’t know, another hour maybe,” Gina shrugged. “What am I? Some sort of train timetable hub?”

“You’re the one who brought it up,” Brad huffed.

“I was musing, I wasn’t expecting to be bombarded with questions,” Gina scorned.

“Children, can we not get into another petty dispute?” Greg sighed. “Gina, you have a tendency to know everything, pumpkin, it’s a compliment.” He smiled at Gina in the mirror. “Sherwood, just shut up and drive.”

“Oh that’s right, stick up for her,” Brad grumbled and fell into a whiny, nasal voice for some sort of pathetic mock up of Greg. “If I stick up for her when Sherwood is around, then she might let me fuck her again.”

“It’s worth a shot,” Greg mused, raising an eyebrow.

“If I wasn’t so concerned about Fen, I’d dump the pair of you right here,” Brad spat.

“Yeah, then who’d save Fen?” Greg scorned.

Brad slammed on the brakes and fumbled with his seat belt. “You know what, I’ve had it up to here,” he gestured to his hairline with his hand, “with you two riding me about what happened. I’m sorry I’m not the type of guy who resorts to violence to solve things or who can selflessly throw himself on the line like everybody’s golden boy, Paul. I’m scared. In case you’ve forgotten, I was shot last time, and that fucks with you, believe me. So, you know what, since you two are so fucking brave, you go to France and save Fen and Paul and you tell her I chickened out. I don’t care anymore.” He threw open the door, jumped out of the SUV and slammed the door shut.

Greg and Gina sat in silence for a moment and watched as Brad started to walk up the road, hands in his pockets, head bowed.

“Look what you did, Proops,” Gina cussed.

“Me!” Greg gasped. “You’re the one who won’t let up.”

“I never said a word just then, that was all you.”

“I was only teasing him.”

“Yeah, well obviously you’ve upset him. Go apologise.”

“You go apologise.”

“I didn’t upset him.”

“Well I’m not apologising. Everything I said was true,” Greg said poignantly and crossed his arms.

“So you’re hoping I’ll give in and fuck you, huh?” Gina scorned. “Go to hell,” she added and left the SUV, slamming the door behind her.

“I need a piss,” Paul declared.

“Oh that’s just charming,” Fenny mused.

“I’m serious. You should have felt my bladder when I saw Titanic.”

“Now there’s an image.”

“They should have warnings. ‘This movie contains vast amounts of water and viewing may cause the excessive need to urinate’.”

“So, did you pop to the bathroom and avoid Leo’s death?”

“No, I held on until the end and bolted for an alley. The toilets were packed.”

“You’re just full of charm, aren’t you?”

“It gets worse. I didn’t actually run into an alley, I was in the street.”

She burst into giggles again. “Were you caught?”

“Let’s just say several old ladies got more than they bargained for,” he cringed “So, you ever urinated in public?”

“You know, that just hasn’t been an issue for me,” she jeered.

“No, I guess it’s not the done thing in California,” he agreed and gingerly got to his feet.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I told you, I need a piss,” he replied.

“Not in here you don’t.”

“Well where else am I supposed to go?”

“Get Don’s attention.”

“Bloody women,” Paul scorned and tottered over to the door. “LEMME OUT I NEED A PISS.”

The boat lurched and Paul skidded sideways, mumbling obscenities. The door creaked open and one of the heavies looked at Paul menacingly.

“What?” the heavy huffed.

“I need a piss,” Paul replied.

The heavy studied him for a moment. “Hurry up,” he demanded as Paul sauntered past him.

Fenny leaned back against the wall. Her bladder was starting to fill too, but there was no way in hell she was going over the side of some rickety old boat.

“Since when were you so sensitive?” Gina asked as she hurried to catch Brad.

“Gee, I wonder. Maybe since you and Proops haven’t let me forget what a fucking idiot I am,” Brad snapped.

“Yeah, well you act like the only one who has right to be freaking out,” Gina snapped back.

“The woman I love is being held captive by a group of psychos.”

“So is my husband, who could be seriously injured for all I know.”

Brad looked at Gina and for the first time realised he had only been thinking of Fenny’s welfare. He’d never seen Gina show any sign of weakness before, but her eyes were screaming a different story this time.

“Have you noticed that every time we have a conversation it inadvertently leads to something that leads to us getting yelled at,” he said, trying to break the uncomfortable silence.

“Yes, well that does happen when you’re caught naked or certain individuals announce stories about fucking on washing machines,” she shrugged.

“That reminds me, about last night…”

“Hey, it happens…”

“I know, I just don’t want you to think that…”

“You enjoyed it?”

“Something like that,” he mumbled. “Did you?”

“What?”

“Enjoy it?”

Gina gave Brad a wry smile. “We have to get to France.”

“I’m not talking to Proops,” he declared.

“Me neither,” she mused.

“Should be an interesting journey then,” Brad smiled.

“Let’s share stories about sexual conquests. That should get on his nerves,” Gina perked.

“Only if you promise to indulge something really embarrassing about him.”

“Deal,” Gina grinned and held out her hand. Brad shook it and they approached the SUV. Greg was still sitting in the front looking grumpy.

Paul zipped up his zipper and took several breaths of the crisp sea air before an arm was wrapped around his throat.

“The Boss doesn’t like you,” the heavy breathed.

“What a coincidence, I don’t like him much either,” Paul chided as the arm tightened and made him gag.

“He thinks you need to be taught a lesson.” The heavy released Paul’s throat and in one swoop, had Paul held around his lower legs, upside down. He neared the side of the boat and precariously dangled Paul over the edge. Paul was glad he’d had the opportunity to pee beforehand as his head was brought closer to the murky ocean. The salt water sprayed and stung his face. He choked as he gasped for breath.

“Wouldn’t take much for me to let you go,” the heavy chucked and dunked Paul to his abdomen. Paul was pulled out spluttering. This was not good. What does a man do when he’s being held upside down? He almost laughed at the simplicity as he pulled himself up to face the heavy, who, caught by surprise, loosened his grip and Paul managed to wrap his arms around the heavy’s neck and his legs around his waist.

“Can I go back in there now?” Paul asked, motioning to the room where Fenny was. “I don’t want to play anymore.”

“Get off me,” the heavy snapped.

“OK.” Paul smiled, gave the heavy a peck on the cheek and released himself before heading back in the room.

Fenny looked up as Paul sauntered in the room looking like the cat who got the cream.

“What happened?” she gasped. “I heard you gagging?”

“Our friendly neighborhood thug thought he’d try to drown me,” Paul grumbled as he unbuttoned his shirt.

“Are you ok?” she asked getting to her feet and wandering over as carefully as she could in the dim light.

“Yeah, just. Got a bit hairy there for a while, though,” he breathed as he wrung out his shirt and passed it to Fenny. “Hold that.” Fenny took Paul’s shirt and attempted to wring some more water out of it as he removed his t-shirt. “I wonder what they call it if you have sex on a boat,” he piped up as he started wringing the water out of his t-shirt.

Fenny, who was enjoying having Paul shirtless more than she should have been, was shocked by the question. “It’s not something I’ve thought about.”

“No? Well, in a plane it’s the mile high club, right? So maybe…ahh…the nautical nookie club?” Paul perked. “Or what about the boating bonkers? Floating fuckers?”

“You are completely insane,” she giggled.

“So you’ve never thought about it?”

“About what?”

“Us, having sex?”

She nearly toppled backward. “No! God no.”

Paul moved forward and Fenny stepped back and cursed as she realised she was literally up against the wall. He gave a small smile as his moved his mouth close to her ear.

“So, the idea of us writhing around together, sweaty and moaning does nothing for you?”

His hot breath on her ear made Fenny tingle and she was forced to swallow hard. His bare torso was almost brushing against her body and she was tempted to reach out and touch it.

“I bet you like having your neck nibbled,” he continued.

She let out a short breath. If he did that, she might just die. “Brad reveal that in a drunken moment?” she managed to ask.

“No,” he replied, moving his head to look her in the eye. “You’re a passionate woman. Passionate women have sensitive necks.”

“I have sensitive feet, yet no one is keen to kiss them,” she breathed.

“So do you?” he asked with a coy smile.

“What?”

“Like your neck nibbled?”

Fenny opened and closed her mouth a few times, and froze as she felt one of Paul’s hands creep around her waist and gently he ran a finger down her spine, making her shiver.

“You want me to do it?” he whispered.

“Do what?” she peeped.

“Nibble your neck?”

“Yes,” she replied in a barely audible whisper.

Paul started to giggle and Fenny didn’t know what to think. He stepped back and doubled over laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Fenny demanded.

“You,” Paul grinned. “That was all bullshit, I was acting.” Fenny felt her tingles fall through the floor and into the ocean. “I didn’t think you’d fall for it. I thought you’d tell me to fuck off,” Paul chided. “Fuck, you actually…”

“No, you caught me by surprise,” Fenny gasped.

“Look, if it makes you happy, I’ll nibble your neck and no one need ever know,” Paul teased.

“Get fucked,” she huffed and crossed her arms.

“Oh hey, I’m sorry,” he sighed and stepped up to wrap her in a hug.

“Oh yeah, course you are,” she sarced and slid her hands from his back onto his butt and squeezed.

“Hey,” he squeaked. “You and your obsession with my arse.”

“Well, since we’re having this get-to-know-you session, I thought I’d join in,” she chided.

“Yes, well that’s the property of my wife,” he mused and removed her hands and started hunting for his shirt again.

“Yeah, I can see Gina having her name tattooed across it,” she laughed.

“Like you with Brad, you mean,” he countered.

“Yes, but Brad’s is near his heart. I’d hate to think your arse is where Gina means most to you.”

Paul cracked up laughing and then fell quiet. “Despite what everyone thinks — ‘cos let’s face it, everyone thinks Genie and I are a big joke — I do love her.”

“She worships the ground you walk on,” Fenny teased.

“You don’t worship Brad’s?” he asked as he pulled on his still wet t-shirt.

“I don’t think we’ve spent enough time together for that,” she sighed.

“You think? Because he certainly worships everything about you. And yes, that was a drunken confession,” Paul smiled.

Fenny let out a long sigh and sunk to the floor.

“…So yeah, that was my first time in an alleyway,” Brad perked as the train hurtled through the darkness.

“Trust you to pick a screamer,” Gina chided.

“I know. Would have been ok if she hadn’t scared the cat which promptly clawed my leg,” he sighed.

“The last sex related injury I got was when Paul and I tried to get into the mile high club. Well Paul tried to get into the mile high club. We got hit by turbulence and Paul ended up jammed between the wall and the toilet and I got thrown into the sink.”

“Ouch. So you didn’t do it?”

“Nah, we limped back to our seats and received an amused look from Fen.”

“Can we like change the topic, we’ve been on this since Manchester,” Greg sighed.

“So, what about you and Proops’s first time. Granted we heard most of it,” Brad piped up, copping and annoyed look from Greg.

“Not much to tell really, it was over pretty quick,” Gina mused.

“Gina,” Greg gasped.

“I tell you what he likes, if you hum while you’re…”

“GINA,” Greg snapped.

“A hummer, hey? I like Who songs…but that’s a Fen thing,” Brad mused.

“Paul likes Marvin Gaye, Boney M, or a certain insurance ad,” Gina giggled.

“I used to have a thing for one of the McDonald’s promotions but then they changed it and it didn’t work anymore.”

“You two are seriously sick,” Greg grumbled.

“Have I told you about Tania?” Brad enthused.

“Was she the PA?” Gina asked.

“No that was Chloe.”

“Then I guess you haven’t.”

“Ok, I met Tania at a club, it was late, I was drunk and she was available. She took me back to her place, right, everything was lurid pink, and I mean everything. Walls, roof, beanbag, carpet…pink.”

“Jesus, how did you put up with that?”

“Well, she was also a goddess with a set of handcuffs and frozen desserts,” Brad grinned.

“Guys, please,” Greg groaned.

“Paul does a great thing with a melted Mars Bar,” Gina smiled.

“I’m going to the buffet,” Greg announced, getting to his feet and disappearing up the carriage.

Brad and Gina burst into giggles. “That was brilliant,” Brad grinned.

“Well he could have joined in,” Gina shrugged. “I have a question for you now.”

“Shoot,” Brad perked.

“Tell me all about Ritza.”

Brad gave Gina a wry smile. “OK, but you can’t tell anyone.”

“My lips are sealed,” Gina nodded and leaned forward.

“She wasn’t the psycho that we’ve come to know and love when I fell for her. She was truly beautiful. We really clicked, too,”

“Get to the good bit.”

Brad laughed. “Yes, she was a little vixen in bed. We did things some people only dream about…some people.”

“We’re talking Greg right?”

“Oh yeah.”

“So you loved her?”

“Yeah. Like I say, she wasn’t a monster to me.”

“What if she hadn’t gone mad and Fenny hadn’t hunted you down? Would you have stayed with her?”

Brad nodded. “I never really thought about Fen until she appeared at my door that day.”

“And?”

“I was confused, I was hurt a lot by her sleeping with Greg. You have no idea how much it hurts a guy when his woman sleeps with one of his best friends.”

“Point taken,” Gina smiled. “I know how if feels to be the one doing the cheating. You don’t mean to, but sometimes there’s just a chemistry, and if you don’t explore it, you only drive yourself mad wondering. Not that I condone it.”

“So you and Greg have a chemistry”

“Yeah,” Gina nodded. “There’s something there.”

“Have you, I mean since we’ve all been here?”

“God no. well…we sort of kissed in the basement. But he knows I love Paul.”

“See that’s what I don’t get. You say you love a guy but you kiss someone else.”

“I told Greg before anything happened with us that I was still in love with my ex. I don’t think I’ve instigated anything that’s happened.”

“But you haven’t stopped it either.”

“True. I have now, though, and I’m still with Paul.”

“Your point?”

“Shit happens, but if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

“You think Fen and I are meant to be?”

Gina thought for a second. “Yes. When you get over Ritza.”

Brad looked a bit shocked. “Ritza?”

“You still harbour a torch for her, man, you said it yourself.”

“Don’t tell Fen,” Brad breathed.

“I won’t, but you’ve gotta deal with it,” Gina ordered.

He nodded. “How about you dealing with Greg?”

“I think it’s more Greg has to deal with me,” Gina sighed as then hushed Brad as Greg reappeared.

“Have we stopped?” Fenny asked, getting to her feet.

“I haven’t noticed,” Paul shrugged.

Fenny’s thought were confirmed when the door flew open and the two heavies piled into the room.

“Come on, move,” one grunted.

“Shall we?” Paul asked, holding his arm for Fenny to take.

“We shall,” Fenny replied as she took his arm and they walked out of the room. They were moored in a deserted-looking marina. Don was waiting on the dock with a woman and several men in suits. Paul leapt onto the dock and then helped Fenny before they were marched toward the waiting group.

“Put them in the car,” Don ordered.

“Yes boss,” the heavies replied and escorted Paul and Fenny to a silver, sporty car. They were thrust harshly into the back.

“Luxury,” Fenny mused.

“Wow, being kidnapped in France is great,” Paul chided as he reached for his seat belt.

“I wonder who the woman is,” she pondered as she fumbled with her own belt.

“Probably the head honcho. There’s no way a man could have organized such a successful operation.”

“Why you big, hairy feminist,” she teased.

He giggled as they watched the woman depart and Don head toward the car. He looked vaguely pleased.

“Where to now?” asked one of the heavies.

“The hotel. We’ll unload our guests then finish our meeting with Claudia,” Don replied.

One of the heavies slipped into the back, forcing Fenny to scoot over next to Paul, and the other took to driving while Don slumped in the passenger seat.

A while later Fenny, who had been keeping her eyes on the scenery, let out a squeal. “Oh my god, it’s the Eiffel Tower.”

Don turned in his seat to look at her like she was crazy.

“She’s American, give her a break,” Paul scorned.

Even the potentially deadly situation couldn’t stop Fenny from looking amazed at the European city she’d only ever seen on TV.

“Next left,” Don mumbled to the heavy who was driving.

“I can’t believe I’m in Paris,” Fenny breathed, practically clawing Paul’s arm.

“I wouldn’t hold your breath about sightseeing,” Paul sighed.

“I don’t care, I’m in Paris,” she cooed.

The car began to slow and pulled to a stop outside a plush-looking hotel. Don slid out of the car and the heavy in the back grunted at Paul. Paul took this as a sign to get out and soon he and Fenny were on the sidewalk.

“Follow me,” Don ordered.

Paul started following, then had to go back and drag Fenny inside as she took in the scenery. By the time they were inside, Don was chatting to the receptionist. She gave him a key, and he ordered Fenny and Paul to follow him.

“So, what fun have you got in store for us?” Paul asked as they piled into the elevator.

“I have business to attend to, then I shall deal with both of you,” Don scowled as the elevator jolted to a stop and the doors opened. He marched out and led them to the end of a long hall, where he unlocked a door. Paul and Fenny stepped inside and the door closed behind them.

“Welcome to Paris, Fen,” Paul mused.

“I hope we’ve got a good view,” Fenny chirped and headed toward the window. Paul shook his head and headed for the ensuite.

“I’m tired and hungry and it’s late, can we just go and find the bloody hotel?” Gina whined.

“I thought that’s what we’re trying to do,” Brad declared.

“I’ve been looking for a Starbucks,” Greg shrugged.

Gina snatched the map from Greg and surveyed it. “Never get a man to do a women’s job. The hotel should be round the corner.”

“Round the corner we go then,” Brad perked as the three of them began walking. As they rounded the corner, the hotel lights burst into view.

“Excellent,” Gina chirped.

“How are we supposed to know if they’re staying here?” Brad asked.

“Ask for Dufford?” Greg shrugged.

“No, they might tell him someone’s been asking,” Gina pointed out. “We’ll just have to snoop a bit.”

“Why is rescuing so difficult?” Greg sighed as they entered the lobby. The three of them marched over to the reception desk, but left it to Greg to book the rooms. “Merci,” Greg perked as he led Brad and Gina from the desk to the elevator. They waited for the doors to open and when they did, Don stepped out. Brad froze.

“Bonjour,” Greg perked.

“Bonjour,” Don smiled as he walked off.

“Greg!” Brad gasped.

“What? He doesn’t know who we are,” Greg shrugged.

“Someone should follow him,” Gina announced. “See what we’re up against.”

Brad and Greg looked at each other. “You up for it?” Brad asked.

“As long as you refrain from telling any more stories about your sexual conquests,” Greg scorned.

“Deal,” Brad smirked.

“Ok, I’ll snoop around the hotel a bit, then,” Gina perked.

“Be careful,” Greg ordered.

“Am I ever anything less?” Gina chided and dove into the elevator.

Greg and Brad looked at each other and headed off to follow Don who was currently talking into his cell phone.

“I’m hungry,” Fenny sighed, as she sat at the window scribbling away on the hotel stationery.

“Me too,” Paul agreed from where he was sprawled on the bed.

“Can’t we order room service?”

“I somehow think Don might have asked the hotel not to feed us.”

“I never thought of that,” Fenny sighed. “Gina and I escaped once. When we were in Adelaide and the maid opened the door.”

“Like we’d be that lucky,” Paul sighed and was instantly greeted by a rap of knuckles on the door. “COME IN,” he yelled.

They heard a key in the lock and the door slowly opened. A maid appeared and placed several towels on a chair. As she headed for the door, Paul leapt up and grabbed the handle. “I’ll close it,” he smiled. The maid smiled back and then carried on to the next room.

“Stranger things have happened,” Fenny mused.

“Anything you have a particular craving for?” Paul asked.

“No, not really. Just food.”

“Ok, I’ll be back soon,” Paul perked and disappeared out of the room.

Fenny turned back to her sketching and prayed that Brad, Greg and Gina had found a way to France.

Gina looked blankly around the elevator. If her day had gotten any weirder, she might have the basis of a novel. Still, she was pleased to make some headway with Brad, and at least they shared a common interest: they were both sluts. She was giggling to herself when the elevator doors clicked open. She looked down and checked her room key again. When she looked up again, she froze.

“Genie,” Paul gasped.

“Pauly,” Gina breathed as she rushed forward and threw her arms around him. “Fucking hell, I thought you were near dead.”

“No, just battered, drowned, starved, dehydrated and seasick,” Paul replied, holding onto her as tightly as he could, feeling like he was in a dream.

“Is Fen ok?” Gina asked.

“She’s fine, just hungry,” Paul replied.

“My room’s on this floor, you can order room service,” Gina offered.

“Ok, but I do have to get back to Fen. I don’t want Don finding her alone,” Paul breathed as he reluctantly pulled away.

“You better tell me all. Greg and Brad are following Don,” Gina nodded as she held his hand tightly and led him down the hall to her room.